Why can't things go right for us just once in a while?
I honestly feel so bad for you. I HATE that you and your family are dealing with such awful things and that things do not seem to be getting better. I am not going to tell you things will be fine, because I do not know that. What I can say is that things will be different and it is very obvious that you need emotional support. Is there anyway you can talk to a social worker or therapist in your area? Does the hospital there have a crisis center or talk line? You know about the 1-800-SUICIDE crisis number to call. I know they will not make things all better, but you need people around you to help offer some support and advice. I am worried about your safety and want you to reach out for help.
It is important to realize that ending your life would not solve the problems for your family and in addition they would be grieving the loss of their wife and mom. I understand you feel down on yourself and think you do not offer much, but believe me that is the illness talking. Depression sees everything in black and white. You do love your kids, you take care of them and they love you back. They need you and want you. They would be devastated if mommy was suddenly gone. However, I do get that you are feeling so stressed and overwhelmed and you just want the crap to stop, you want the pain you and your family are going through to end.
I do not know why bad things happen to good people. If I knew that answer I would be solving a lot of my own questions about my own life and the things that have happened to me and that are now happening. I too sometimes feel like I am being punished and that I must have done something terrible to have to endure the things I have and do today. All I can do is take things one day at a time and try very hard not to think about the future too much, except I try to think of things changing for the better, or at least praying that my higher power gives me the strength to get through the problem. Sorry if I sound preachy, I am only saying what helps me sometimes.
Sometimes I cannot fight and I lay in bed and cry. I take my klonopin to help me sleep and get extra rest. Sometimes we need more rest to deal with what we are dealt to cope with. Sometimes we have to let go of the things we cannot change, which is VERY hard to do, but if we cannot change it and we fight with it in our thoughts and try and control things we cannot change then we make more stress and anxiety for ourselves.
There are so many people today who lost their jobs, who are homeless, who have kids living on the street and eating out of dumpsters. I do not know why things are like this in America today, but they are. Like I said, a lot of bad things are happening to good people. Knowing this does not make your problems easier to deal with, but it is not just you and your family dealing with financial troubles now. A lot of this has to do with politics, but I will not get into that crap. All I am going to say on that note, is it must be nice to be the reason why Americans are homeless, losing jobs and not being able to eat, but it does not affect your pocket or life in the least.
Please keep yourself safe and go to the ER or call a talk line to get support. The good thing about the 1-800-SUICIDE talk line is it is available anytime, day or night and the people do care. They also can help hook you up with people in your state.
I care about you Jodie, and want you to be safe. I am also here if you need to talk. Post as often as you need to. I will be checking in again later tonight and I will check in tomorrow and over the weekend. Can you try and watch a movie with your dh and try to relax tonight? Get your dh and kids together and do something as a family. It may be curling all up on the couch and watching a movie, but just try and think about the love you all have for each other.
Love and hugs,
~ Tina ~