New to the semi-stepmom thing.

Neinta,
I can relate to your post in a sense, so I'll try to explain my situation and see if it helps you out any. My BF as well lives with me and my DD(5) and has for over 2 years now. BF's divorce was so long and drawn out that he did move in before it was final. In his divorce decree it stated that his DD's (8 & 4) could not be around anyone that he is in a relationship with until the D was final. So with that said I was not allowed to see his kids up until a year and a half ago. He spent his weekends with his kids at his parents. His kids have regularly come to my house and spent their time with us for 13 months now. It has been a very trying time for us, but mainly me. My DD was 3 when BF moved in. She took to him like you couldn't imagine. My DD runs up and hugs BF when he comes home from work, will sit in his lap to watch TV instead of mine, tells him she loves him all of the time, asks him for help with something, asked him to teach her how to ride her bike without training wheels, and so much more. I have LOVED every min of it. When it's the 3 of us I feel like a family.
But for me and his DD's, I want the same and I don't get it at all. I'm not here to point fingers or blame, but the 8 yr old has told us for herself that her mom talks down upon us. I feel this has a lot to do with they way I get treated. Ex. ugly looks, name calling, and talking back A LOT. They can come to our house and completely ignore my existence. I cook for them, clean after them, and treat them no differently than I do my own DD. I also buy them things just like I do my DD. I have never hollered at them or really punished them for that matter. I do correct them when needed and BF backs me up. They treat my DD good and they do play well together for the most part. Because of the way they come off to me, I am very hesitant to be affectionate and to say I love you. I can tell them I love them and all I usually get is a stare with no reply. Just like yesterday when I got home from work I went up to give all 3 of the girls a hug and my DD was the only one that accepted my hug. Then the 8 year old started crying that she wanted her mom. It hurts, but I realize they are older especially the 8 yr old and I try to take it with a grain of salt. I do comfort her as much as she will allow without pushing myself on her. After all this time I have had with them I have slowly felt myself pushing away and resenting the time they come over. BF didn't try to help me bulid a relationship with them up until Christmas Eve. I had corrected the 8 yr old and my dd about horse playing around a table that had food all over it. The 8 yr old gave me the most disrespectful look. I looked at BF and told him I had, had enough of the disrespect. That he needed to do something about it. We talked and it helped for 2 days.
Instead of making this so long and drawn out anymore. My only advice to you is yes, be affectionate towards them, try to make small coversations with them and see where it takes you. You may have to force yourself to step up to the plate, but maybe it won't feel so forced if they recipricate the affection. Maybe even take them seperately on an ice cream date or to the movies. Maybe paint nails with the 9 year old, or ask her if she wants to help you with dinner. Try and make that bond the best that you can. Please don't get to the point I am where I would almost rather they go back to his parents on his weekends. I'm trying my hardest to turn my attitude around, but with the way things are still going it's tough. I am very happy to say that BF is now seeing it all (I guess better late than never) and has helped some. Seeing we got them on Christmas day and don't go back home until Jan 3rd.
Hang in there. All I can say is try if this is really what you want. It's never easy blending a family.

I get what you're saying. I care very much for my BF's boys (11, 8) but know that they don't think of me the same way. I let them know when and how I can that I care about them and try to keep up with their lives (they live out of state with BM). My kids have known my BF for well over a year and they really bonded with him and really like him very much - which makes me feel that much worse that his kids aren't attached to me.

I have done some (a lot) of reading and it's definitely much harder to go in as a step-mom than a step-dad. Kids are much more suspicious about someone "replacing" their mom, where as a step-dad is often about fun and good times. Especially with girls who are close with their BM.

i would say for you to just do what feels right for you without pushing them too far. Maybe you should ask their dad if you could maybe take them out one on one and let them know how you feel and let them know that you really hope that you can at least be friends. that you aren't trying to replace their mom but support them and care for them as you care for their dad.

I'm a big fan of family meetings, too, so maybe that would be a good alternative, to voice your feelings and concerns with their dad there, too.