Welcome

Community Leader

Registered: 12-27-1999

Welcome

9	Tue, 01-17-2012 - 11:01am

I'd just like to take a moment to welcome anyone who is reading and hasn't yet gotten the courage up to post.

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kinnerdgirl

iVillage Member

Registered: 01-13-2012

In reply to: nawleansdarlin

Re: Welcome

Tue, 01-17-2012 - 10:45pm

Hi there, I'm visiting from another board...I'be been living on EAS but my abuse issues come up for me a lot there since my A is linked to my childhood SA. I was abused by a family member. I am a co-facilitator for a women's support group and really thought I was way past this, but the unexpected death of my same age cousin ( who may also have been a victim but I will never know) threw me into a tailspin.
I feel, in general, I am in a place of acceptance and pride for what I have overcome, I am close to forgiveness to my abuser and myself. What I find so difficult is the realization that I chose to self abuse through an A and why after all of this time I would need to do that...I am happily M to a wonderful and supportive guy...all survivors should get to marry someone like him. It's just sad to me to have peeled back so many layers thinking I was almost all healed only to find there are more down there. I'm not sure why I'm posting...I would just like to join this community and try to help myself and maybe others.

"No one can make you feel lnferior with out your consent" ~Eleanor Roosevelt

nawleansdarlin

Community Leader

Registered: 12-27-1999

In reply to: nawleansdarlin

Re: Welcome

Wed, 01-18-2012 - 4:06pm

Welcome kinnerdgirl, I'm glad you decided to post. It tells me you are ready to start peeling back the rest of those layers. I'm married over 20 years to one of those amazing men and I couldn't agree more. Your past is what makes you who you are, and I truly believe that. I also believe that we have choices and one of those choices is we can take ownership of our past.or our past can take ownership of us. If our past takes ownership of us it becomes a very painful existence. I've been there. If we take ownership of our past we can actually draw strength from it. I have been given a unique view of life and that helps me understand things that someone who was never abused or raped will never understand. You have a unique view of life as well. Please don't lose sight of that along the way. Do you have any plan on how you are going to start peeling back those layers? I have a question for you. There is no way I can or will forgive my abuser, who by the way is dead. It was actually his death that sent me into a tailspin. How do you forgive your abuser?

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kinnerdgirl

iVillage Member

Registered: 01-13-2012

In reply to: nawleansdarlin

Re: Welcome

Sat, 01-21-2012 - 11:08pm

I have chosen to believe that my abuser ( who was a family member) was as thrown off course as,a person could be when he began abusing me. I do not condone what he did and because I have a ringside seat to his life I have witnessed him suffer....failing in two marriages, almost losing costody of a child, job losses very few friends...he has no-one. I on the other hand have everything. I have a wonderful family, xgildren, many friends and a full life. Yes I have scars and bruises and shame that I do not deserve. I think that perhaps I was meant for this life ( though I am not religious at all, I am very spiritual) and that he unfortunately was the vessel meant to send me down my path. It's a difficult thing to understand. I think the only reason I feel this way is because I do know his life has been a disaster and he knows he nearly ruined me.
Forgiveness is not condoning a behavior. It is just freeing yourself from the burden of dragging the abuse around for life. I have only just begun this thinking so I will let you know how it goes.
I am peeling back layers in therapy, doing some IFS work which is great and I did EMDR which I feel is a must for abuse survivors. Doing the support group and helping other young girls who are where I was at their ages (20s) is helping me see how far I have come. I still have some work to do...mostly on being able to get all of the parts of myself who are stuck in the past and not functioning as,an adult ( and therefore causing trouble in my life) to move past the abuse.

"No one can make you feel lnferior with out your consent" ~Eleanor Roosevelt

nawleansdarlin

Community Leader

Registered: 12-27-1999

In reply to: nawleansdarlin

Re: Welcome

Tue, 01-24-2012 - 3:16pm

Thank you.

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kinnerdgirl

iVillage Member

Registered: 01-13-2012

In reply to: nawleansdarlin

Re: Welcome

Wed, 01-25-2012 - 10:16pm

I am only just beginning to forgive him. It takes a long time. Acceptance is the first part. I accept what he did and I accept that for reasons I don't know or need to know he was not in control of himself. I understand not trusting men. I married the first man I found myself trusting. He is incredible...I don't know where he came from and when I het him I almost let him go because I felt he was too good and undeserving of a lifetime sentence ( which would be marrying my.issues) if you haven't already found someone who earns your trust I hope you do. I think.for me, having the right kind of love in my life has made all of the difference to me.

Get the book the Power of Now by Ekhart Tolle. It will help you tremendously.