Im child free but some people disagree...
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Im child free but some people disagree...
| Mon, 03-05-2012 - 7:41pm |
I have never wanted kids, I know I will never want kids. So I definitly consider myself child free. However because my boyfriend has kids that he sees once a month (since they moved) people tell me Im not really child free.
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In our world of "blended families", the childfree distinction definitely gets blurred.
I have never given birth but I married someone who had one child when he was young. She is grown and now has kids so I consider myself a grandma even though I was never a mother.
At work, I'm the youngest person in my department and the only one with grandkids. When I mentioned that to my mom, she said, "Well, but that's by default". I consider them my grandkids so that makes me a grandma!
RoseAnn
See and theres nothing wrong with the way you feel also. A guy at work is also a grandfather but he isnt their bio grandfather.
I just haven't grown to have any feelings for these kids..I don't dislike them, I like them fine..like I like my friends kids. I just don't want to be labeled a parent. To me being a parent is not simply being my boyfriends girlfriend as he just happens to have kids. To me being a parent is someone parenting and being involved in the childs life. I don't parent, its not my job..they don't listen to me anyway unless it has to do with hitting my senior cat or getting into my stuff. I don't take care of them..so I don't want to be labeled a mom. Maybe one day I will grow closer to the kids as they get older, but right now..Im child free and loving it!!!
My friends tell me all the time how tired they are raising their kids, how they wish they could just relax at 5 pm til bedtime like I do everyday after work, how my weekends are mine to do with what I please and that its a thankless and unrewarding job raising kids is. So I feel glad I made the right choice. I don't envy my boyfriend one bit when he has them all weekend and has to take care of them, discipline them, feed them, etc..It looks painful to me.
I am also certain I made the right choice for me! Some days, it's all I can do to take care of my dogs at the end of the day and they're not nearly as demanding as children would be! LOL
Now that my step-daughter is an adult, I find that we can relate to each other as friends and we don't have to worry about any pseudo authority issues between us.
RoseAnn
I think your post makes some very good points, especially with this: "To me being a parent is not simply being my boyfriends girlfriend as he just happens to have kids. To me being a parent is someone parenting and being involved in the childs life." And I respect you very much for being honest about what you can/will handle as far as your boyfriend's kids - as long as he is parenting them, there's no reason for you to do so.
I have two stepsons (who are unfortunately not a part of our life right now), but I don't really consider myself a stepmom. I do hope that someday the boys will be in our life, and I look forward to being a stepmom, even though I still have no desire for my own kids. I think society has the need to label things, and many people probably consider you a "stepmom," and don't really try to understand your situation. Because some people have a hard time understanding why a woman would choose to be child-free, it's much easier for them to label you as a stepmom; that fits their idea of what is "normal."
Bottom line, to me, is that whatever role we take in the lives of children is valid. If we choose to be - or consider ourselves - parents, stepparents, grandparents, or beloved Aunties, that choice is valid, and should be respected by others. It should also be respected if we choose not to accept those labels.
See at first when we started going out and his kids were 3 (daughter) and 8 (son) I thought you know what, I'll try this out and see how it works out.
So even though I helped out a little with the kids, my BF expected too much. He would wake me up at 7 am on a weekend and expect me to make waffles cause his kids wanted it. I wanted to sleep in but they kept waking me up to get up and cook breakfast. Then he'd expect me to watch his daughter the entire day so he and his son could play video games all day long.
And of course playing with a 3 year old was painful for me..for 5 hours! If I wanted a break she'd whine. If I went into my room to take a nap or watch one of my shows, he'd put her in there with me. If I wanted to go to the mall, he'd ask me to take his daughter. Just so he didn't have to take care of her and entertain her. He'd tell me well you're a woman and she's a girl so she wants to do girly things.
Needless to say, by the time monday rolled around, I was so exhausted going back to work!
So I decided this wasn't for me. Here I was enjoying my life and freedom of not having kids then suddenly I am thrown into a situation where I am suddenly taking care of someone elses kids! Not what I signed up for. Just not my thing sorry.
So everytime he had the kids, I would dread it and I was miserable because I knew he was going to guilt me into looking after and entertaining the 3 year old, just so he wouldn't have to.
So I told him this wasn't for me and I don't think we should be together. And he knew it was either he start taking care of his own kids or lose me so he's been taking care of them.
Sorry but just because Im a woman doesnt mean Im maternal and I want to take care of his kids and its my job to do so, simply because..Im a woman.
His ex wife did most of the raising of the kids and he'd go out and pursue his hobbies and hang out with his friends and let her deal with them. He thought it was gonna be the same way with me. Sorry but Im not their mom so don't think you're gonna get to go do what you want while I take care of your kids all weekend long.
So since I am not their parent nor do I parent them, I resent people calling me the step mom and assume I should take all responsibility in helping raise them. For example when his friends ask him to come over for poker and he has the kids, and they tell him well get your GF to watch them. Umm no I don't think so. Not happening. Im not their mom. And please stop acting like I am. I hate the looks of horror on peoples faces when I tell them all this.
They ask, well why date a guy with kids? Well at my age (41) most guys have kids. Or if they don't, they want them. And yes I'd be screwed if he got them fulltime..don't know what I'd do.