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| Sat, 03-24-2012 - 9:08am |
Hello all,
This is my first post here - my first post anywhere - about the alcohol use in my family. In fact, I've only ever talked to one other person about this issue but when I woke up this morning to the distinct and overwhelming smell of burnt metal and food, I knew that I had reached MY breaking point. I need help and I need to know how to help.
My husband is a wine drinker. In fact, he considers himself quite the connoisseur of wine. He studies wine, he teaches and runs a wine club at a high end restaurant, and is the go-to person for many of his wine collecting friends and acquaintances. He enjoys the "subtleties" of wine and is very passionate about everything that goes into wine. He does not drink any other type of alcohol (except the odd beer during a football game). He also does not think that his use of wine is a problem.
On top of this, my husband is also an academic. He is highly intelligent, having several university degrees (in applied physics and also in psychology). He also has a graduate degree and is very close to finishing his PhD. He specializes in mathematics and statistics for the social sciences, a very specialized field. He is in demand in his field and this adds to his feeling of invulnerability. He also has the ability to talk his way out of anything and to win logical arguments. This makes it near impossible for me to discuss his drinking as a problem.
We also have an 18-month old daughter.
My husband's drinking is a problem. We have talked about it on many occasions and every time, he agrees that he needs to "scale back". He can easily drink two bottles of wine in an evening. Last night, he drank three. When my daughter and I got up this morning, he had obviously passed out on the couch, with the TV still going and all the lights on (and the burnt smell lingering in the air). This is not the first time he has burnt something on the stove while drinking. When I was pregnant, I was away for awhile, and I later found out from our building superintendent that the superintendent was called to our apartment because of a strong burning smell and smoke. He told me he banged loudly on the door and there was no answer. He used his key to get in, and my husband was passed out on the couch. My husband has NEVER admitted to this.
I've started keeping a written record of the number of empty wine bottles. But I don't think this will help. It might help for a week or so (but he has rarely, if ever, gone a full week without having a glass of wine), but he always finds a reason to have a glass. Ususally it's because his professional life is so stressful that he feels he deserves a glass to unwind, or because he has something to celebrate (always needs a glass of "bubbly" to celebrate even the smallest of things).
I also know that he is sneaking/hiding/lying about wine. He always tends to downplay the amount he has drank the night before when I ask about it (hence the reason for the written record).
His father was an alcoholic, a genius, an overworker. His father died at 65.
I don't know what to do. I am afraid for my life and my daughter's life, afraid my apartment will burn down around us in our sleep. If I tell my husband this, he will laugh it off and tell me that I'm overreacting.
Please help.......I just am at a loss.
Thank you.
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I also must mention that his drinking has not yet affected his work or professional life. He only drinks in the evening, and usually waits until I go to bed to polish off the extra bottle. He doesn't drink every evening, usually drinking three or four nights out of the week and always at home. He doesn't go out and get drunk. However, he always brings home at least three bottles (a sparkling wine to start, then a white, and a red).
I am considering telling him that I do not want any more alcohol in the house at all. That if he wants to drink, he'll have to do it elsewhere. I'm also considering telling him that if he doesn't respect this, that our daughter and I will go and stay with family for a period of time. I am not sure if this is the right thing to do. I've been reading about setting boundaries and I don't want to come across as threatening him.
I should also mention that I have no experience dealing with alcohol abuse. I grew up in a family where there was never any alcohol allowed in our house, so I really don't know how to deal with this.
Thank you for trusting us.
Ah, we academics are such snobs. I am certainly not in the same league with your husband, but I am an intellectual. It takes us so long for our inflated egos to come down from the ivory towers and see that we are as human as everyone else.
And wine, WINE, why it is healthy, right, you hear that all the time. And life, life is so difficult unless the edge is taken off. Yep, we feed ourselves a lot of bull.
Your husband's drinking is dangerous. The very first thing I would do today is go out and buy really, really sensitive smoke detectors. Then install them. I would also check out the nearest AlAnon meeting. AlAnon is for the family and friends of alcoholics. Bring the 18 month old...my girls went to their first AA meetings when they were 7 days old.
The one thing you cannot do is make statements of what you will do and then not follow through. If you don't think you can do it, dont threaten to do it.
Keep us posted.
Welcome.
Thank you Beth, Leslie, and Brenda for your kind, friendly, and supportive words. I do really appreciate knowing that I can actually talk about this and someone will / can listen. It's hard to talk about with anyone close to me because I'm afraid they won't really believe me or that they will think badly of my husband. The only person I've talked to is actually my husband's mother (my MIL). Her and I are very open with each other and she is as cognizant of his potential for alcohol abuse as I am. She lived it with his father (her late husband) and she is all too familiar with the stress, frustration, and tears that come with loving an alcoholic. She had already mentioned Al-Anon to me, and I am considering going.
As an update, I talked to my husband very frankly this afternoon. I told him that I could no longer be around his drinking and that I would no longer tolerate any alcohol consumption in the house. I asked him to remove any wine that he has currently and to also put away any stemware. He, for once, did not really argue or protest. I think he was very aware of how serious I was. I am VERY cautiously optimistic, but I also know that we have had similar conversations before that have had an effect for approximately one week. However, I have never before banned alcohol completely from the house. In the past, I've always just asked that he keep it to either a) one glass a night or b) one night per week.
And yes, academics are snobs.....and egoistic. And all of the self-aggrandizing and culture of inflated intellect creates an illusion of impenetrability and self control. "We are too smart and too important to be infected by the diseases of the weaker mind", thinks the academic alcoholic (especially the wine drinking type). I have come to detest, to hate, the language and the culture of the wine drinker. It is a culture that idolizes alcohol in a very accepted (and even celebrated) way. The snobbery of the oenophile is beyond comparison. My husband describes wine in terms that are so reverential, so passionate, so lovingly descriptive that if I did not know better, i could assume he was talking about another woman (and in reality, I guess wine really is his other lover). I hate that the educated wine lover truly believes that they have some sort of special connection to this liquid and to the land and the grapes it was made from. My husband thinks that he has a palate that is somehow more discerning and superior to the rest of us. And it is unfortunate that he has surrounded himself with people that encourage that belief.
Anyway, this is rambling
Hi, I'm Beth.
You know, I just read the other posts, and I feel compelled to comment.
Hey Beth, it is Beth....there are intellectuals....and then there are intellectual snobs.
The former are good, kind people who want to learn for learning's sake. The others want to gain knowledge to impress and demote others to the rank of lesser humans.
I was not denigrating any person for seeking knowledge.
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