Been severely depressed and withdrawling :-(

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Been severely depressed and withdrawling :-(
19
Sun, 04-01-2012 - 1:12pm

I have had too many changes and most of them have caused so my stress. I have been thinking of suicide everyday, but I am trying not to do anything. We just moved to Alabama from Maryland on Feb 3 and we have been staying with my fiance's mom, who is a real B--ch. She acts like she is 10 when she does not get her way. We moved somethings to the backroom at her request and we have been watching tv back there and letting her have her tv back, not that she could not watch what she wanted, but we have had NO privacy since we have been here, so it was nice for us to be able to watch some shows we like without worrying about the cussing in them bothering her. In addition, my fiance did about $5,000 worth of repairs and painting in her bathroom and kitchen since we have been here and he got a full time job a month ago and we both have been giving her money and buying food. My fiance is the only child she has that does anything for her and even talks to her on a regular basis, yet he is the black sheep of the family. His sister who is a theif is praised to the highest and she allows my fiance's brother live here without helping with bills, food, or anything, and he lays on his butt watching tv all the time. I am about ready to fip out on the woman and tell her who I feel. I am trying not to because she is his mom and I am trying to show her respect, but her attitude and nastiness towards us is getting to me, especially when we are the only one's helping her. She is sooooo ungrateful. I do appreciate her letting us stay her until we find a decent home to rent here, which is not much around, unless you want to live in a broken down shack.

In addition to all this, I have lost all my medical care and I have severe chronic pain I try to cope with daily, which is getting worse without treatment and all the stress. My depression is at an all time low and my anger level is at an all time high. The only pain management doctor in the area, an hour and a half away, wants me to come to the office 2 times a week to go to a class to learn about emotions with chronic pain. I have worked on this with my counselor, and I have to go another time a week for my prescription. I do not have the transportation and I do not have the money for gasoline. I explained this to the doctor and he said, well this is our program. So, I cannot get the pain meds to help with my pain.

I have been trying to find a counselor down here, but they either do not take my insurance or I cannot get anyone to answer the phone and there is only a few people/places for mental health care. I called the local mental health center and they said they could not get me in for at least 2 months and while I was on the phone with them, it sounded loud, like people were carrying on. Not sure if it was clients or people that work there. Did not make me comfortable in going there for help.

I feel so darn alone and I miss my family, but most of them are dead and my sister is back in Maryland and my daughter is in Texas and I cannot ever see them because none of us have the money to travel. We moved to Alabama because my fiance could not find consistant, full time work in Maryland as a painter, which is all he knows and has done for over 25 years. He has a good job down here now and the man he works with is very nice. Now we just need to find a decent place to rent that is clean and livable. There is also these train tracks near and the trains blow there horns when they pass by and it gets on my nerves so bad. They are only a few streets over, so you definately hear them. I wear earplugs at night to sleep to help block them out and other noises.

I am so unhappy and I wish I could find hope and light in this situation, but right now, with all my pain, physical and emotional, I cannot find it. I am so physically and emotionally exhausted too. I am so exhausted that I feel like taking a nap now that I wrote all this to all of you. I feel like I ran a marathon. I never feel refreshed when I wake up, which I am sure is caused by my fibromyalgia.

Sorry I have not been here and on the suicide board much. I want to be, but I withdrawal when I am in a deep depression. It is hard to reach out when I feel I cannot think straight and I am so overwhelmed.

     ~ Tina ~

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Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Sun, 04-01-2012 - 2:22pm

((Hugs))

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sun, 04-01-2012 - 2:47pm

Hi a-new-me.

Like you I live with family and I can totally relate to what you are going through. It sucks doesnt it? I am about to crack myself and I dont want to live either.. but I think if I keep saying that God might make sure I dont.. I dont know but I am feeling just like you.

Due to the sucky economy and all I think alot of folks are in our situation. I have been living with

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Sun, 04-01-2012 - 6:56pm

Thank you Heidi and Freeatlast,

Heidi, I am glad to be back, but I sure we all felt better. I am glad I have a place to go where people actually understand and know where I am coming from. Sometimes I feel like I am such a mental case that no one will get it.

Freeatlast, sorry you are in the same situation. I know there are things to be grateful for, but when the things that irritate you outway the good, it is hard to stay stable. I am just angry that every time I seem to turn around something else very stressful happens and when things seem like it is going to get better, they don't or they do not for long. However, I am trying to be as calm as possible. Today my "MIL" has been more tame. I guess me flipping out some yesterday changed things a little, at least for a day.

I guess all I can do is take things one day at a time and on very bad days, one hour or one minute at a time.

Love & Light ☼

     ~ Tina ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sun, 04-01-2012 - 8:12pm

Hi;

Hey; Have you ever thought that sometimes we need an excorcism or something. I mean cant we get one break ..

Oh; things just got worse. My sis had a date with a guy and she doesnt even like men . .She thinks they all suck and she is going out with him again.. Sibling rivalry never ends and she smokes and the guy doesnt care. (go figure)

Dont you feel like me that God just takes care of the weak and leaves us strong people to fend for ourselves. Really think about it.God would be there more for us if we were weak so that means we dont need nurturing as much as other people and we can look after ourselves. You are doing a great job looking after you and

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Mon, 04-02-2012 - 12:31am

I am sorry that you are going through this and hope that you are able to find a better living arrangement soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Mon, 04-02-2012 - 12:36am

Free - you mention that God isn't there for the strong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 04-02-2012 - 8:00am

Hi Toby;

No I dont think I said that right.. I do think God gives us strength otherwise I would be so much worse. I was just thinking and maybe I am not making sense so forgive me.. I think maybe God takes care of the weak more and gives them what they need more than us because we seem to be able to handle life more as stronger people. Like God knows what we need but focuses more on the weak because stronger people seem to be able to fend for themselves more..

Does that make more sense??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Mon, 04-02-2012 - 12:34pm

Hi Free,

The reason I say love and light is for everyone to feel love and let the light of Spirit, whoever you believe in as your higher power, shine his light upon you. Also, love and light can mean to shine your light upon others too and love also.

How I feel about God, I believe he gave us all free will and sometimes the free will of others affects us and we are given choices as to what to do with the hand we are dealt. I do not believe God comes down and waves his hand over us and removes any bad thing. However, I do believe in miracles. I believe we have to ask God and the Angels to interviene in our situation because they will not due to us having free will and they will not interfer with our free will unless we ask them too. I know I do not always get what I ask for when I ask for their intervention and that can make me feel abanadoned. I do try and help myself and I have always heard that God helps those who help themselves, but then I see people lay on the butts and whine and they get things handed to them, but me, I fight for what I need and want and I do not get anything easy, or I get nothing....not the result I prayed and asked for. People claim that is because God has something better instore for us when we do not get what we pray for, but I do not necessarily totally agree with that. I think sometimes he is not there for me at all because then something more traumatic will happen. I am grateful I do not have some of the problems that some have, but I also do not want all the troubles I have. I just want a break. I do write down things I am grateful for. I used to do it everyday, but then I started doing it weekly instead, because I started to repeat myself. God to me is a fickle entitiy. I will never understand him or her, but I do believe a higher power does exist. I have personally had angels come and help me in some dangerous situations, so I know me asking the angels to be with me is a fact, so I lean more on asking angels for assistance, since God made them available for my needs and protection, but I ask for the angels help in the name of the Lord first, because without Him there would be no angels. I know I am rambling, but I hope I make some sense in some of this.

I do, however, wish I had a little more assistance and help in my life so I would not feel so exhausted and completely overwhelmed from the stress and so I would not feel like commiting suicide. I know I will never be trouble free, no one is, but a break, some help would be nice. I try and keep my faith, but sometimes it is tested to a degree that I sometimes wonder why I am supposed to have faith in a higher power that seems to not help me when I do ask...ask and you shall receive is not always true....you may receive something different, another test, or you may not receive anything at all. What keeps me from staying around, living, is my daughter and grandson. I do not believe we go to hell when we commit suicide. I believe God is a merciful God and when we are at our wits end mentally and in that much pain, he has mercy upon us, but I do not look at this as an easy way out. I do believe we will have to answer any sin we commit and I do not believe sins are weighed in Heaven to see which ones should be punished worse....a sin is a sin....period. In other words, if God gives a murder a chance to repent and ask for forgiveness from his heart, I believe

     ~ Tina ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Mon, 04-02-2012 - 1:20pm

Toby,

My general doc did give me antidepressants, but she would prefer I find a psychiatrist. I know some will give them and some feel uncomfortable providing psych meds.

My husband did talk to his mom. I think it helped some. We are doing what we can to get out of her home. My husband asked guys he works with to look out for rental homes for him in the area that are decent. We are also going tomorrow after he get off work to the realtors office to get a print out of rentals they have. Hopefully something comes are way soon.

Thanks for your suggestions and support. I hope all is well with you!!!!

     ~ Tina ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 04-02-2012 - 1:21pm

wow; I love your post and its all true..

I think for me God and angels have helped me out of bad situations also.. I think because of my free will I have made some bad choices and yes it does take a long time to make better choices or sometimes we have no control over it; or God has his or her own time table.

For me when I was married to my ex H he was somewhat abusive so I left him after 8 years but I think I did it all wrong but I felt like I had no choice at the time. I just went to a

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