Been severely depressed and withdrawling :-(
Find a Conversation
|Sun, 04-01-2012 - 1:12pm|
I have had too many changes and most of them have caused so my stress. I have been thinking of suicide everyday, but I am trying not to do anything. We just moved to Alabama from Maryland on Feb 3 and we have been staying with my fiance's mom, who is a real B--ch. She acts like she is 10 when she does not get her way. We moved somethings to the backroom at her request and we have been watching tv back there and letting her have her tv back, not that she could not watch what she wanted, but we have had NO privacy since we have been here, so it was nice for us to be able to watch some shows we like without worrying about the cussing in them bothering her. In addition, my fiance did about $5,000 worth of repairs and painting in her bathroom and kitchen since we have been here and he got a full time job a month ago and we both have been giving her money and buying food. My fiance is the only child she has that does anything for her and even talks to her on a regular basis, yet he is the black sheep of the family. His sister who is a theif is praised to the highest and she allows my fiance's brother live here without helping with bills, food, or anything, and he lays on his butt watching tv all the time. I am about ready to fip out on the woman and tell her who I feel. I am trying not to because she is his mom and I am trying to show her respect, but her attitude and nastiness towards us is getting to me, especially when we are the only one's helping her. She is sooooo ungrateful. I do appreciate her letting us stay her until we find a decent home to rent here, which is not much around, unless you want to live in a broken down shack.
In addition to all this, I have lost all my medical care and I have severe chronic pain I try to cope with daily, which is getting worse without treatment and all the stress. My depression is at an all time low and my anger level is at an all time high. The only pain management doctor in the area, an hour and a half away, wants me to come to the office 2 times a week to go to a class to learn about emotions with chronic pain. I have worked on this with my counselor, and I have to go another time a week for my prescription. I do not have the transportation and I do not have the money for gasoline. I explained this to the doctor and he said, well this is our program. So, I cannot get the pain meds to help with my pain.
I have been trying to find a counselor down here, but they either do not take my insurance or I cannot get anyone to answer the phone and there is only a few people/places for mental health care. I called the local mental health center and they said they could not get me in for at least 2 months and while I was on the phone with them, it sounded loud, like people were carrying on. Not sure if it was clients or people that work there. Did not make me comfortable in going there for help.
I feel so darn alone and I miss my family, but most of them are dead and my sister is back in Maryland and my daughter is in Texas and I cannot ever see them because none of us have the money to travel. We moved to Alabama because my fiance could not find consistant, full time work in Maryland as a painter, which is all he knows and has done for over 25 years. He has a good job down here now and the man he works with is very nice. Now we just need to find a decent place to rent that is clean and livable. There is also these train tracks near and the trains blow there horns when they pass by and it gets on my nerves so bad. They are only a few streets over, so you definately hear them. I wear earplugs at night to sleep to help block them out and other noises.
I am so unhappy and I wish I could find hope and light in this situation, but right now, with all my pain, physical and emotional, I cannot find it. I am so physically and emotionally exhausted too. I am so exhausted that I feel like taking a nap now that I wrote all this to all of you. I feel like I ran a marathon. I never feel refreshed when I wake up, which I am sure is caused by my fibromyalgia.
Sorry I have not been here and on the suicide board much. I want to be, but I withdrawal when I am in a deep depression. It is hard to reach out when I feel I cannot think straight and I am so overwhelmed.