He's not in contact like I asked... why does it hurt so bad?
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| Wed, 04-11-2012 - 5:59pm |
A few weeks ago when I said the affair had to stop, I told him it had to be a full break, no contact anymore, ever. And I was serious, but of course I got nosy and looked him back up on FB and somehow I friend requested him by accident - seriously... now it lets you friend people in the search dropdown if they are listed with just one click on the right of their name. I think I clicked it because I certainly did not want to re-friend him. Anyway, he accepted and I felt dumb so I just sent him a brief message wishing him and his family well. He replied and said he was happy to hear from me and hated this, and asked if I'd be up for him giving me a freelance assignment related to his company's website relaunch. I need the extra $ so I said yes - and his boss ended up taking over the assignment. My xap seemed pissed he couldn't handle the contact with me, and that he "messed this one up as well."
I said I guess nothing is simple when the two of us are involved and that I'd get in touch with his boss but that because I wasn't feeling well (I have a chronic health problem that flares up, especially when I am under stress) so not sure if I'd take it. He never responded in any way. That was over a week ago. It's setting in now that he's probably doing what I asked and stopping all contact, but it feels like crap. Part of me thought that if he really cared for me, he'd check in by now. What a fool I am. This is tearing me apart and I miss him so bad. I feel physically and emotionally sick. When does this start to get easier? I feel like I've lost my mind! I'm a smart woman with a husband who loves me, friends, a good job and so much going for me... why am I letting him turn me nutso?
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You are not nutso my friend. You are experiencing what it is.normal to feel given the.circumstances too. I relate completely...things are pretty good around here, I have a job, family and friends so why the heck was I so crazed over this guy. Crazed, but never crazy. It's confusing stuff to deal with and we all understand.
Gypsy.
It's setting in now that he's probably doing what I asked and stopping all contact, but it feels like crap. Part of me thought that if he really cared for me, he'd check in by now. What a fool I am. This is tearing me apart and I miss him so bad. I feel physically and emotionally sick. When does this start to get easier?
Hey Red...don't beat yourself up. I'm only 10 days out. I hit double digits this a.m. for the first time EVER (have tried to go n.c. unsuccesfully for almost 2 months now)..and I awoke this a.m. both feeling greatly relieved and s-l-o-w-l-y f-r-e-a-k-i-n-g o-u-t..that this is really, really it.
Can't quite wrap my mind around it..not sure I'm ready to yet..just sort-of taking a huge sneak peek at what that means for my future. Key word that I choose to focus on is MY FUTURE...the future where I am free of anxiety, panic, depression. The future where I am secure in my own skin again. When I am a stronger, more compassionate, life enjoying version of the person I was before A. Because if I don't focus on that part I want to cling to the comfort of our A...with all it's dysfunction and everything..so I remind myself that this comfort would be at the expense of the future me I want to be. Does that make any sense?
The difference between who you are and who you imagine yourself to be, is what you do.
So here's the thing: You've put him in sort of an impossible situation here, damned if he does, damned if he doesn't. You wanted a full break - and got that - but then you broke the break and made contact again. But now you're not happy with him taking a break (if that is what he's doing).
He can't win - either way. If he respects your original wish for a break and doesn't contact you - then you're upset with him, thinking the absolute worst of him, thinking that he doesn't care, that he's this or that awful thing. But nothing really good happens when he does break NC, either - because you're still upset with him, right?
Can you reframe how you're thinking about all of this? Can you consider the idea that he isn't any more sure than you are about what's best, that he is trying to follow your lead, but that you're kind of zig-zagging around and making that tough to do?
Someone has to be the strong one, here, it seems. One of you will have to step up and stay strong, and be firm, and say what you mean.
So, do you want that person to be you, sweetie? Can you commit to full NC (and that includes blocking ALL avenues of communication completely) for a small period of time - and see if you can do it, and how you feel?
Can you do two weeks?
Hugs,
Kim
Yes, I deleted him on FB again. I wish he'd privatize his account - it's pretty much entirely public and every few days I look him up, see any changes, and feel like crap. He has no way of knowing anything that's up with me because my internet presence is on lockdown mode. Guess I was right - he doesn't care and never did. Otherwise he would have been in touch somehow. I feel so pathetic for caring, but fortunately I am overall doing well, not contacting him, and don't want to. I am just telling myself I am allowed to feel conflicted and grieve this loss, but to move on and keep going one day at a time.
THANK YOU - this makes sense and is quite comforting.
Yes, I am trying. I have deleted all his #s, IMs, and FB. I still have him on LinkedIn but that's just for work and I don't use it. The problem is he's still mostly public on FB so I get curious and look him up and can see any updates. But he can't see any of mine, so technically we have had no contact for about 1.5 weeks now (besides me seeing a new photo he posted on FB and a status update about where he was - he's out of town on vacation). Now, fortunately I have 2 days of work left and then I am on vacation for 1.5 weeks, and will be too excited about all that to be online much nor care about my phone, etc. I am trying hard and every day it IS starting to get easier to accept he is not part of my life. Thanks for the support! I think by the time I get back from vacation, I will be in a much better place - that will be 3+ weeks of NC, but actually 5+ weeks after ending the A.
Time will continue to pass - and that's a good thing right now. By the time you get back you'll have another week plus under your belt. :)
Hugs,
Kim