This has been going on too long.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2008
This has been going on too long.....
4
Thu, 05-31-2012 - 12:06pm

I have not been on here in a while, but as you can see my problems still have not gotten any better.

The latest and greatest happened when we decided to host the Super Bowl party at our home.  I sent out invites to the people that we wanted to attend and asked them to bring a dish.  We asked for them to let us know what they were bringing when they RSVP'd so we wouldn't clash with food.  But to no avail no one RSVP'd and then they all brought extra guest with no dish.  So needless to say there was not enough food for everyone and we had multiples of the same dish.  That one was not too big of a deal, we just said whatever and kept on moving.  Fast forward one month:  I gave my DH a surprise 30th birthday party.  I told MIL and one of his Aunts when they came to the Super bowl party what I wanted to do for my DH.  I again made invites and put invited guests only and no children (alcohol was being served and food was being catered as to no extras and the party was at our home). I sent invites to his family as I have always done with a request to RSVP since we are having it catered.  Some people did call and ask if they could bring an extra guest and that was fine with me.  I just needed to know how many people to prepare for.

Well once my DH came in the house we all screamed "Happy Birthday" and one of his aunts ran over to him asking where one of his cousins were. Of course he had no idea since he was still in shock from the surprise.  So she continues on telling him that I didn't invite her son.  Let me remind you that I have no idea where her son lives, I have never sent him an invite to anything because I usually send an invite to his moms house and his sisters house and they share it with him when he comes to get his daughter from his mother (she has a day care so he sees her twice a day).  They have always shared invites with him so I was wondering why they seemed to have a problem with it now.  Now this same aunt who says I did not invite her son because his name was not on the front of the invitation, did not call to ask me anything in advance (my phone number was on the invite and I thought we had a pretty decent relationship that if she had any issues she would have said it to me), and she decided to bring an extra guest (not her son) to the party.  That was not a problem since we ended up having extra food.  His family came into our home and talked about me and how I sent invitations and what they said and who I did not invite.  They really tried their best to ruin the surprise and the party.

This is really sad because this is not the first time we have had an event with invitations.  Every time I send something or don't send something to them, they have a fit about it.  Some of them have multiple families living in one house and they expect me to send a different invite to the same address, addressed to different people..That is insane.  So with that being said, most of them did not show up and the ones that did, came with more than one extra guest..They brought several!  Then they tried to have my DH come and have a party with them the night before his surprise party and I really believe they were trying to ruin the surprise.  Well to their surprise we did not attend.  So they decided to have a birthday dinner for him the day after the party.  NERVE OF THESE PEOPLE. 

Easter came by and when we went to MIL house for dinner, none of his family even spoke to me.  It was like 40 people there and only about 5 spoke to me.  It was the worst day in a long time.  None of them talked to me the whole time we were there.  When it was time to go, I had to spank my son for something he did and he was crying.  When MIL saw that she instantly took him into the house and back to her room and was babying him up.  Me and Dh walked into her room and I was livid.  I told my son to come on and we all left.  I told my DH that I thought it was rude and unacceptable for her to undermine me to my son and that we need to talk about that.  So I called her from his phone (she doesn't answer when my number comes up) because her and I needed to talk.  She didn't answer.  Meanwhile I left my cell at her home and Dh went to get it when he got off work and he was going to speak with her about what she did. 

When he got to her home, she started to tell him that she didn't know I had spanked my son....excuse me...how did you know what I did when DH had not even brought it up to you yet. She started explain to him how she had no idea.  So when he tells me, I asked him if he had said anything to her and he said no she brought it up to him.  So now I know she is lying, she just didn't want her son to be upset with her and with me calling from his phone, she thought it was him.  She never answered the phone that day or night and had her story together when she saw him the next day. 

So I decided to call her so that we could hash out whatever problems we have and to let her know how she made me feel.  I had to call from another number because she doesn't answer my calls.  When she answered I let her know who I was and the conversation went like this:

ME:  Hello MIL this is Me, how are you?

MIL:  Hello me I am fine and you?

ME: Fine.  The reason I was calling is because I really did not appreciate you babying our son up yesterday after he got a whipping.

MIL:  So, there are plenty of things you do that people don't like...

WTH??? Is that how you answer someone that is trying to work out an issue with you?  So I preceded to tell her (with an attitude and maybe that is where I went wrong, but I was very upset and could not believe her response) that I did not marry her son to make sure I was pleasing his family, however we are not here to talk about me, we are here to talk about you.  She preceded to tell me that I need to talk to my DH because she already explained to him and apologized to him.  So I told her that I needed to talk to her because she is the one that did something I did not like, and she needed to talk to me.  Now maybe I am wrong for this, but I thought when you did something unpleasing to someone and you felt the need to apologize, you should apologize to them...not to someone else.  I also thought that it would clear some of the confusion (since there is always something being passed from person to person instead of direct communication).  I did not know that she would get smart with me and hang up.  If/When DH is there, she acts totally different with me so I assumed she would be decent to me...guess not.  She thought it was disrespectful for me to call her.......really?

We have been going through this for 4 years and now she wants to go through DH for everything and that is fine with me.  However, every time there is a problem with anything (and everything is a problem) and DH doesn't communicate well (via her words) she wants to communicate through him which only keeps the drama going.  I guess I really don't understand why people would want so much drama in their lives that they would want to ruin it for others.

 I have asked my DH to handle them and he always says to ignore them, don't worry about how they are, and just be with him.  I have done that for 4 years and it has only gotten worse.  They will come up to our family and speak only to DH and ds and DH does not see anything wrong with it.  I feel that he should feel as disrespected as me being I am his wife.  SO...I have decided that it has been enough and our family should stay away.  My DH does not want to take our ds away from MIL, but I am doing what I feel is best for us.  I told him that we will not go over on holidays anymore because they are all rude to me and that is not what family should be like...especially on holidays...all of them.  So he had a convo with MIL to tell her and she decided  to tell him all of the reasons she and his family does not like me.....does she really care about seeing us? NO...she only wants to try to change his opinion of me when we live together and they only see me maybe 5-6 times a year.  You would have thought that she would have said well lets figure out how we can solve these issues and make this work, but she didn't.

Now he wants to send ds on holidays and we stay away.  I just really don't agree...if one of us is not welcome...none of us are welcome.  Any advise?  

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2008
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 3:21pm

Update:

Well it has been 5 months and they still have not changed one bit (not that any of us thought they would).  I was hopeful that this time they would be able to at least try to do something different, but who am I kidding.

Our ds had a birthday party (turning 6) and we were having a party for him at our house.  So as you probably know most of my inlaws were not invited.  We did invite some that had small children via facebook event (didn't get invites in the mail in time), but did not invite those who have issues with me.  So...about 4 days before the party one of his cousins calls my cell phone about 7:00am.  I didn't see the call until about 8 when my husband was there.  So I asked him if she called him too and he answered with a yes. I asked him what she wanted and he said that he didn't know.  So I never called her back because usually when someone calls my phone, they are calling because they have a problem and at this point I really don't care what their problems are.  Plus I figured it was because she didn't get an invite to the party.  A little quick history on this cousin:  She recently got custody of 9 kids, added to her two from another cousin of hers.  Although I think it is a noble thing to do something like that, I am not obligated to invite all of them to our sons party.  That means we would not be able to invite his friends.  Plus, we don't even know any of the children...

As we get closer to the day, my dh informs me that this particular cousin was trying to get in touch with me because she is tired of all this drama going on......really?  Last I checked, she was one of the ones keeping it going....but anyway I told him that I was unwilling to discuss any of our problems with his cousin who has nothing to do with this situation.  Now if his mother wanted to sit down and discuss, then sure I would do it, but I see no reason to sit and plead my case with any of his family members because I owe them nothing.  Inside note:  She really didn't want to hash out anything, she wanted to know why she wasn't invited to the party because she wanted to make another note of something I did to their family. 

So me being as smart as I am (hehe) knowing they really didn't want to come, told my dh to go ahead and tell them they could come.  I know I know...bad mama, bad mama.  Well my poor little dh was so happy that his family was going to be able to come and I was prepared just in case they really showed up.  Guess what?  Not one of them showed up for the party...not even little old MIL who had previously bought our ds a ticket to go to the football game with her knowing full well he wasn't going to get to go, plus it was a family event and I wasn't invited...go figure.  Just always looking for something.  I will say that it really made my day to be able to show him exactly what I was talking about.  We had discussed this previously and I told him what they were really trying to do and that they really didn't want to try and hash out anything.  They were only looking for another something to complain about.

I told him that we had not been around in 5 months and not one of them has called, unless it was to him trying to still get him to turn against me.  So why all of a sudden would they conveniently try 4 days before ds's party?  He was soooo sure I was wrong...until they didn't show up.  Then MIL had the nerve to send our ds his bday gift through a friend at their job (they both work for the same company, but on different shifts).  My dh said that some person walked up to him and gave him the gift card and said it was from his mother.  Then the next day his sister calls and goes off on him telling him that he has turned his back on his family and all this other stuff because his mother is so unhappy that she doesn't get to see her grandson.


Okay..now let me get this straight....

They haven't seen us since April 8, but no one cared to ask US if WE wanted to hash out anything.  But we are family and they want to get to the bottom of things.

They didn't get an invite initially to the bday party when they really wanted one...only so they could not show up and then complain about it.

So I guess I was right..there is no pleasing these people.  I told my dh.."you see, they are mad when they do get an invite because they don't like the invitation and what it says, then they are mad when they don't get an invitation because they really want to come, but then when they are offered an invite to the party in which they don't think they will be able to come, they still don't show up...then they tell you that you have turned your back on them".  So tell me...how does this really work?

He said that they would probably say that they were mad because they got an invite late....SO...every invite they send comes via txt and is at maximum 24 hrs in advance.  So for them to get an invite from us four days in advance should have given them plenty of time to come...especially when that is when they started calling asking to come... WTH/

But anyway, my point was proven and in his face this time so like I told him before, he has to show me that he can do for me when it comes to them what he should or we will not go around again.  I have a duty and that is to protect my family when my husband doesn't.  However I do wish things were not this way, but if they have to be this way because I am me, then so be it.

I am not willing to change who I am just to make unhappy people happy for that moment.  Cause then they will want me to do it every time they say so..not me, not any more.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 12:24pm

Hi Missie,

I'm so glad these lepars showed their spots but did your DH really get it?  I'm just wondering how much crap he is going to continue to take from these people?  You are so very right - nothing you do will ever be good enough.  Their whole existence is based on finding fault with you simply because you are an outsider into their family.  I'm so sorry for you and for your daughter that they did not show.  I've lived through that so much in the past and I know you know that I feel your pain.

 

It really does suck when you try and try and try to  be the bigger person, to turn the other cheek and then you get the calls and the messages and hear the behind your back crap that they say about you.  I'm so lucky now that my DH does finally see it - I just know that at some point they'll wiggle their way back into his life and we'll be left to hash out their stupidity again.

 

I won't budge this time at all - and I hope that you do not either.

 

Your inlaws are just plain trouble makers!  I think that is exactly how to sum them up.  I also hope that you DH told that sister off when she started in on him about the birthday party.  And, as for this cousin - I'd put her phone number on block.

 

I hope your Daughter had a great day anyways! 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2008
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 3:12pm

Hey Summergirl123,

I am glad I made that decision too even though I did not want to.  We have a son..lol. And yes he had a great time at his party..never noticed they weren't there!  As for my DH...well when we talked about it he said that he did see what I was talking about, but I am still not sure if he totally gets it.  I am not budging either, not as long as they want to sit and wait for me to come begging for their friendship..that will never happen.

I kind of feel bad for him because no one should be put in this situation and it is a shame that his mother (as manipulating as she is) would do this to him.  As for his sister...well he just hung up on her and didn't listen to what she has to say other than the 5 seconds he did give her.  She is a trip too!  She also tries to tell him that I am just manipulating him and that I think I run him.  NEWSFLASH honey...I DO..LOL J/K.  I just had to ask him what did she exactly mean by the manipulating part and he said that he didn't know.  So I explained it to him. 

I said "That means I have you under my "spell" and there is nothing mommy and sister can do to get you to do what they say and want.  That is their way of trying to get you to go with them instead of who you sleep with every night".  I told him that  It is very simple..you either continue to listen to them try to tear your marriage apart, or you simply ignore their nonsense as I am.  Why would you want to listen to people basically tell you that you are not a man because they can't tell you what to do?

After that conversation, he has been really hanging with our married friends and asking questions to them.  His father has been in and out of the picture most of his life so he really doesn't have anyone to talk to but mommy.  So sad, but he still has to realize when it is nonsense and when it is not.

I did tell him that if he wanted to get through to his mother maybe he could write her a letter.  He did that Tuesday and still hasn't got a response from her......I will keep you posted...

Thanks for your kind words and encouragement!  I really admire you and your situation and look for your advice often...as well as some others of course. Thanks a bunch!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2008
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 3:18pm

Oh and as for the cousins...all of them have been blocked since that day.  If they want to talk to someone, they should call Tyrone.....lol.  (Tyrone is not my husband either...LOL).

I also had to block them on FB too...they started commenting on my pictures that I tag my DH in.  And the comments were rude too!  Imagine that....