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|Sat, 09-01-2012 - 9:13pm|
I just found this board for the first time tonight and it is so nice to ready these stories from women who understand the enormity of a loss such as ours.
My beautiful baby girl Autumn was born sleeping May 1, 2012 at 20 weeks. She was my first pregnancy and her father and I were beyond excited. We went in the the doctor April 30th to find out the sex of our baby and as soon as the ultrasound tech called the doctor in I knew something was wrong. Our little angel had no heartbeat. Up until that point everything was fine, normal however you want to put it but we had lost her still.
I went into the hospital the next morning at 7am and I delivered at 8:15pm. It was a long day but I laid in that bed and prayed for the day to never end. I didn't want it to be over, i never wanted to leave that room without her. We did get to hold her and talk with her and the hospital gave us photos, footprints and a few other mementos that I will cherish forever. I have added so many things to her "baby box", flowers from her funeral, ribbons from gifts, the cards we received, I had to purchase a nice larger sized box to hold it all. I will never stop adding to that box.
This Tueday, September 4th, was our due date. Since we lost her, her father and I have broken up as our grief took us down completely different roads. I was ready to just let myself grieve and I don't know if he will ever get to that point. Unfortunately my grief was getting in the way of our relationship but I knew I couldn't push away any longer. He now tells me he has nothing more to say to me.
I have cried the last 22 hours straight just yearning for her. I went to the grocery store today, no bra, my hair wasn't brushed nor were my teeth (I know, so gross) and i just stood in the baby aisle and smelled the "baby smell". I did take her new fall flowers and a beautiful butterfly this evening with my mom and that has made me feel somewhat better but the pain is just so raw right now. I am emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually exhausted. I don't know where to go from here.
Thank you so much for reading the story of my beautiful sweet baby girl Autumn. May God bless us all. Kami