Lurker Coming Out to Say "Hello"

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2012
Lurker Coming Out to Say "Hello"
10
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 3:58pm

Hi everyone!  I have been lurking for months and finally decided it was time to post.  I didn’t jump in initially because I wanted to wrap my head around the things that have been going on.  And I also have a very jealous and controlling H (who has been known to check up on me) that I didn’t really want reading anything I might post.  I am to the point though where I really don’t care what he thinks or does anymore.

I also haven’t posted because I have been a little bit afraid of the reaction I will get on here.  You see, I am the one that wants out of the marriage.  He hasn’t cheated (nor have I).  He isn’t an alcoholic and he doesn’t do drugs.  He isn’t abusive and he doesn’t have a mental disorder.  But I would love to find and give some support on this board.  I’m not sure how much of my story to go into because I don’t know how much everyone really wants to read.  For the most part (99.9% of the time) I feel like I am making the right decision (this is where I could post a ton about what has happened in the marriage so far to justify things).  Every once in a while though I feel like I am being selfish and that I should stick things out because of my DS. 

The crux of the situation is this:  We have been together for 12+yrs (friends for a year, dated for a year, married 10+ yrs).  We have a DS (in elementary school).  I don’t love H anymore.  I don’t even like H anymore, and I have absolutely zero respect for him. He isn’t the same person I was friends with, dated and got engaged to.  He changed after we got married.  He became incredibly jealous, controlling and lazy.  The thought of touching him in any way makes my stomach turn over.  I am the one who works and brings home a good paycheck.  He has worked maybe half the time we have been together and when he has worked it has been in commission jobs where he makes maybe one commission during the year.  Even when he wasn’t working, I am the one who, up until I dropped the D bomb, took care of and did almost everything with DS, cleaned the house, did the laundry, bought the groceries and paid the bills.  H has started doing some of those things since the D bomb, but I feel like he is only doing them to avoid a divorce and that as soon as the “crisis” is over he will go back to the way he was (I can already see a waning of some things that he tried to “change”).

I told him I would give him a few months for him to try to change and for us to try and work things out.  There is about a month left of that time, and no matter what we have done, I still feel like I need to get out of this marriage - for myself and for my DS.  I am extremely unhappy and this isn’t the kind of marriage that I want to model for DS.  I don’t want him growing up to think this is ok and normal. 

Not sure where to go from here.  Just wanted to say “Hi” to everyone.

 

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004

Hi,

Welcome to the board. I hope you find it helpful and friendly here. You'll have lots of good advice from a lot of people who have been in your shoes.

Making a decision about your marriage is not easy. Everyone arrives at the point where they decide to stay or go for a variety of reasons. Everyone's situation is different.

Seems to me you've grown weary of being the grown up in your marriage. Sadly a lot of marriages end because one spouse is not able or unwilling to pull their half of the wagon. It's a comfy arrangement for the one being pulled along until the puller says, "I've had it!"

My observations are this (based solely on your post, after all that's all I've got to go on):

1)If you are interested in "sticking it out" for your son, then don't do this alone. Do it with the care and guidance of a really good marriage counselor. Without structure and accountability the likelihood of your husband meeting your expectations is nil. Putting a counselor on the page will also put your husband on the spot much quicker: if he's going to bail, he'll bail faster and give up the good show.

2)If you're not interested in sticking it out and feel you just had to give him "one more chance" before you pull the trigger be sure your legal ducks are in a row. If you don't have an attorney, experienced in divorce, get one. Get an appointment and find out what you need to know about your legal rights and obligations in the event of divorce. Notice I didn't say you file. I said find out what your legal rights and responsibilities are in the event of a divorce.

That includes:

- Gathering copies of all important documents: tax returns, bank statements, paystubs, insurance policies, loans, life insurance, retirement accounts, bills, and an accounting of your incomes. Put these in a safe place where they can be accessed outside your home. A safe deposit box is a good place if you don't have family or friends whom you can trust to hold these for you.

- Understand when you gave your ultimatium your relationship truly became adversarial, i.e. you are now opponents. One of the things that shocks exiting spouses is how vicious and demeaning and outright angry the other spouse becomes when faced with the reality of divorce. You say your husband isn't abusive, but you describe him as jealous and controlling. He IS abusive by that very definition. Don't expect him to be any other kind of person other than the one you know, except angry or angerier. It can get ugly very quickly. That why I advise you gather documents and see an attorney now, and not wait.

- This also means being prepared to protect yourself and your son. Scorned spouses have been known to break into their own homes, take their own children, and beatup the leaving spouse. If you think this is even a remote possibility with your husband, you need to ask an attorney what steps you need to take to protect yourself and your son and do them.

Ending a marriage of any length is hard. It will not be easy to actually say "go" or "I'm going." Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2012
Thanks for the all advice wisdom! I definitely have all the paperwork since I take care of all the bills, insurance, and money matters. I am definitely worried about how this is going to go down.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2008

Hello and HUGS

This decision you have made is not easy and it takes courage to see that you are not in the same place as you husband.  Have you thought of counseling? Or other options before dropping the D word?  If you have always been the breadwinner in the house and taken care of everything then your husband may feel that he doesn´t need to grow up, but at the same time may feel intimidated that you are ¨wearing the pants¨ in the family.  I am asking to see if you want to work on this for you or your family? 

As for staying in this for your child don't.  He knows that things are not well, and hears everything even though you don´t want him too.  My youngest would come to me the next moring after the divorce started cheering me saying I had won the lastest battle.  I had to tell him that it wasn´t his battle and he needed to respect his father.  Very hard to do when he is a jerk and is only planning on his next move to make me suffer.  My youngest has his eyes open to it all.  My oldest preferred to put his head in the sand until his father bought his love with movies and promises.

Did you know that your husband didn´t have the same ambitions as you for moving along in his career? Or did that happen after you were married and he saw he could be comfortable with little effort.  I see some red flags when you mention that he is controlling and jealous.  Was he this way when you dated or did this also come after the marriage?

Hope this helps.  I don´t post very often anymore but still come to the boards to read every day.  It gives me strength and that extra go face the world attitude that helps when there are diffcult days. 

Emom13

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2012
Thanks for the post emom13!

You know, I am to the point where I am just done. I just worry about my DS. I know he probably sees and understands a lot. Eventually he will ask why H and I don't ever hug or kiss. Or why we barely speak to each other. Or why H never comes to anything with us. And I don't want him to grow up thinking that men don't have to contribute to a marriage and a family. I have tried to work on things for years. Hand I did try counseling (that did not go well). H was a completely different person when we were dating. He had a good job and he wasn't jealous or controlling. We were interested in the same things and had fun together. All that seemed to change overnight once we got married. I ended up leaving my dream job that I had when we were dating and first married because of him and in an attempt to compromise and make the marriage work. We stopped going anywhere and doing anything. And he didn't want me going out to do anything with anyone else, even family. I honestly feel like I have been a single Mom since my DS was born.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

wow. I totally get what you are saying.. I had a Husband now ex just like that.. When we dated he was perfect but as soon as we got married he changed into his true self. He became verbally abusive and very controlling. I stayed around 8 years with him like that and then I got fed up and the last straw was when he threw things at me.. I left him because like you I was done and done and done.. I had enough and I didnt love my ex anymore.. Fast forward and we eventually divorced.. Of course he said he would change and he did a little but he always went back to his old true self..

I think they call that a bait and switch.. Its like you meet and date a wonderful person and then they change into their real true selves then they have you ..Its about insecurities on their part.

I am so much more happier and relaxed and free of that drama now for years and I hope you can get to a good place.. I learned through the years to focus on me and what made me happy and stop the insanity wi th the ex.. No more drama for me.

take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2012
Thanks for the reply freeatlast! It gives me hope that I am making the right decision.

How did your ex take things when the reality hit him about the divorce? I have to have a conversation with H in the next month and tell him that nothing has changed, he hasn't changed and I want a divorce? I am 90% sure he wouldn't do anything to me but there is that 10% that makes me worried.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

Oh; wow. I didnt tell my ex I wanted a divorce because he would have tried to kill me.. so be careful with that.. I am going back now to 2006 .. what happened was that I left  home and went to stay in a hotel for two weeks and then I stayed with a friend in another state for one half years.. My ex at the time stalked me and went beserko .. and wanted to destroy me. He almost  did but I survived it all. I remember him trying to make me lose my job and friends and all of it but that never happened.. So after the two years of being away from him he went up and sued me for divorce. He immediately felt that after me telling him its over in a zillion ways he finally got it and so he then slapped a divorce on me.. In turn I had to answer the summons and that was that..

Yes; be careful in that you might have to get your ducks ina  row and maybe get a restraining order.. Go to a lawyer and dont tell your husband.. Go to court and find out your rights and what you can do.. If you are really scared then go to the womens domestic violence shelter.. really? they helped me alot.. dont be afraid because control freaks are unpredictable and the dv agency will help you. Just do not tell your husband what you are doing.. Not a word.. please stay safe.. I do not tell you this to scare you but to make you aware.

take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2012
Thanks! You aren't scaring me. I know I need to be prepared. Thankfully I have a ton of family in the area that I can go to. I am already planning to live at my parents' house when I leave.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

okay good and yes be prepared.. You really need to see that lawyer and you know why?? Not sure but here is what happened to me? I live in NY and at the time since I had left home for one half years I had a huge abandonement issue over my head so I would have lost alot . So after one half years on the advice of four lawyers I returned to the marital home for sale of house and divorce.. Well? I also returned armed with court orders and restraining orders and a bunch of things.. I took a room in the house and I have to admit ex didnt bother me at that time.. My lawyer and the courts made sure of that.. I wouldnt recommend what I did but heck there was money at stake that I didnt want to lose so that is what I did.. I dont tell everyone to do that.. Anyway; So after one half years of the house n ot selling and me and ex living like that.. he had a gfriend and I just went off and lived  my life.. After that time he got tired of me living in house for free so he bought me out and we divorced and then I left again...

There are so many variables when it comes to divorce but now with the no fault states I am not sure how that goes.. Each case is different and I did what was best for me.. Now my ex could have done something crazy but thank God I got out with my life and some money.

Good Luck and make sure you get the ducks in a row..

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2000
I was afraid to file for divorce, too, because after my STBX had spent so much of the previous year being so crazy. My son's were more worried about me getting hurt than I was, and told me not to tell their dad unless we were in public; it's serious when your kids are that concerned. I left it for him to file, because, in the end, I think it's better this way. Yes, I did tell him I couldn't live with him and had no desire to even try anymore, since nothing had changed in the last 15 years, so I had no hope that it would now. If you are truly concerned for your safety, I would suggest talking to him in public, or with some family around for back up; I have some of my big, well-armed biker friends on stand-by in case of an emergency whenever he is in the same state just to be on the safe side. I did, after all, watch him run around my house with a knife threatening to kill me, then watched him hack at his own wrist, not to mention the joy ride at 90mph with him yelling that he was going to crash the truck into an overpass and kill us both because I asked which street to turn on to get where we were going. Yeah. Good times. It's only better now because he's working in another state, and my 12-year-old requested supervised visitations; him, not me. More than likely, he will be angry and hurt, but not violent, but it's better to be safe, you know? Good luck with everything. BTW, why is it that so many men change and become useless babies after they get married? My ex did the same thing, refusing to do any housework, take responsibility for bills, anything. I think the thing he's most angry about now is that I'm forcing him to pay all of his own bills for the first time in 16 years and he hates it. I've supported us most of that time, so it's a shock for him. Too bad.