I desperately need help with my abusive relationship
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|Mon, 09-24-2012 - 5:56pm|
I am writing this post in hopes that someone will read this and give me some advice. I am feeling depressed, confused and quite worthless at this point. This is a long post, so please bare with me. I met my ex boyfriend about a year ago in September 2011. When we first met he seemed very charming & took me on many dates. The abuse with him began gradually. He would make disrespectful comments about my appearance, clothing etc. One day I finally reached my breaking point and responded back with a rude comment about his appearance (this was AFTER dealing with repeated verbal abuse). He actually responded by smacking me on the face. He was very sorry afterward, but ever since that day a floodgate had opened. Over the net several months I experienced many highs and lows with him. The mental, verbal and physical abuse got worse and worse.... but the nice things that he did for me got better and better at the same time. Although he was abusing me he even referred me to my current job and co-signed for a medical loan that I needed. In January he gave me a small black eye, bruised shoulder and legs and smashed my iPhone. Later in January, against my better judgment, he moved in with me. In February I found out that I was pregnant. He bullied me, threatened to move and made cruel comments about the pregnancy that would make you want to vomit. I ended up feeling pressured into having an abortion & I feel regret everyday. The very next day after my abortion he beat me so badly that he ended up getting arrested. Over the course of 2 days he blackned my eye so badly that it did not heal for nearly 2 months. Even after he did these things I took him back. He promised to change and he started anger managment (which he did not seem to take seriously and even joked about). He ended up losing his job as a result of the arrest. For a long period of time right after his arrest he was kind to me and promised that nothing like that would ever happen again. I was very desperate and confused and stayed with him. I probably needed someone taking care of ME, yet I was being there for HIM. Soon he started blaming me for what happened. He told me that I ruined his life being that he lost his job and is now on probation. His anger didn't stop. He continued to cause noise complaints at our apartment, he smashed a dining room chair, threw me into our bathroom door causing it to break and it seem like he went out of his way to upset me. HOWEVER, there were many days where he was as nice as could be and he was really pleasant to be around. He would buy me gifts, take me on the most fun dates, etc. I also found out that he was abusing (and still is abusing) a prescription for adderall. He was also abusing Xanax while living with me. I pieced all of this together after the fact. In May 2012 he ended up "dumping" me and moving out. This made me feel even more worthless because of how hard I tried to keep things together when I should have left him a long time ago. At that point I had taken so much abuse and reached my breaking point. I actually threw out all of his stuff and changed my locks. I am not proud of what I did and he recovered most of his things - I even ended up feeling sorry and paid him money for what could not be replaced. I am feeling completely destroyed. Ever since May he's been coming in and out of my life on a weekly basis. His moods change from day to day. One day he is happy then next he is telling me how I ruined his life. He is so on and off... now last night he told me he is seeing someone else and that "being with me would only make his life dysfunctional where as being with a wonderful new girl would be great". I feel like he said that to make me feel even worse, because I feel like I should have said that to him a long time ago. I don't know how to feel or what to do, I just feel so confused and lost at this point.