Desperatly need help. He's literally driving me insane and i don't know what to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2005
Desperatly need help. He's literally driving me insane and i don't know what to do?
9
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 7:35pm

Married for over 25yrs with 4 daughters. We've had our ups & downs but lately it's more down & unbearable at times. I need to give a little background info about myself that I feel is very important. I suffer from some mental disorders/diseases. They are: Bipolar nos, ocd, severe anxiety/panic disorder & ptsd. I take several meds for these conditions. I have always had a severe issue with depression & have been suicidal at times in my life. My marriage is falling apart & I don't know what to do to save it or if I should continue to try to save it? The past few years has changed everything in my family's lives. My husband was forced to medically retire from his career. He also began the struggle of fighting for VA Disabiltiy. He was denied that. All the years of sacrificing & working so hard to ensure security for our family and our retirement was suddenly gone. My marriage definatly took a hit. My husband has become someone I don't know anymore, especially lately. I understand that he is in alot of physical pain & is has to take pain pills to help cope with the pain but ever since he started taking the pain meds, his personality slowly began to change. Recently, his personality has drastically changed to the point where I can't talk with him without it turning into a major fight. Our relationship has suffered greatly. We don't have a healthy sexual relationship. We don't have sex at all. I don't want to have sex with him. I don't feel intimate with him anymore. It's more like we are friends. Though lately I can't say that i like him very much alot of the times due to his emotional abusive treatment towards me. We just went through the worst week ever in our entire marriage. The fighting was horrible. He treated me in a way that I never thought he was capable of doing to me. He has become so emotionally abusive to me.So much so that it triggered me into a severe depression where i wanted to end my life. He went to a counceling appt & somehow finally woke up & realized that he was taking out all of his anger towards the government on me. He was incredibly cruel. He convinced me that I was worthless & the family would be better off without me in their lives. After he realized what he was doing, we were able to talk rationally. But that opened up a whole other can of worms. I told him that we were too co-dependant on eachother & we had to work on changing that. He told me that has changed with him. He said he was no longer co-dependant on me. He has always told me that if something happened to me or we divorced, he would never remarry or be in a relationship with another woman because I was the only woman he ever loved or could ever love. But that has changed now. Now he says he can move on without me. He says that he wants a healthy sex life & is not getting it from me. I try to tell him that with all the stress & depression i'm going through, having sex is not on my mind. I'm too stressed out, too exhaused & too depressed to want to have sex. I told him that we need to work on our relationship first & sex will come naturally. I feel like he's always presuring me to have sex but i won't & he gets very mad that I wont. It's like all he talks about is sex. We started talking again but as soon as I disagree with something he says, he blows up or he twists the subject to make me look bad and him good. It's driving me insane. I can't take this being happy for a half day then huge fight situation going on everyday. We have 4 children. 2 are ages 12 & 14. They don't deserve this. Part of me wants to take the girls and walk away but i'm stuck here for financial reasons. I have no way of supporting myself. His answer has been for him to sleep in the camper. We faught last nt & he was going to the camper. I told him that if what he wanted was to be seperate from me & if he slept in the camper then i would take that as him wanting a divorce. I can't take this rollercoaster anymore. I don't know what to do? I want this to end:smileysad:

Kathi Taylor
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

Formygrls, welcome to the board.   This has obviously been such a struggle for you and it doesn't look like getting easier short term.

I'm wondering how much his negative mood is related to your mental illness and lack of sex.   Is it possible that there's a never ending circle of cause and effect with both of you dragging each other down and upsetting each other further?       As much as his moods effect you, I would imagine that your mental illnesses would also be very difficult for him to live with.

I completely understand you not wanting sex with him at present.   I couldn't bear the thought of sex with my ex husband in the last year or two of my marriage.   However, would your husband's mood improve if he got sex?  If so, that would make things better for you, yes?    Again, I understand you not wanting sex with his current behaviour, but I suspect that he's been there for you during your bad times with you and stayed loving towards you.  Would it be fair to say that you owe him?   Now it's your turn to be forgiving towards his behaviour?

You said,I told him that if what he wanted was to be seperate from me & if he slept in the camper then i would take that as him wanting a divorce.   This sounds a lot like an ultimatum or threat to me.   Or perhaps you're trying to push him into saying that he wants a divorce?   At any rate, it doesn't sound like the words of a woman who wants to save her marriage.    What was the result that night?

I strongly suggest the two of you seek marriage counselling to help figure out whether or not you should save this marriage.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004

For,

I think living with mental illness, especially multiple forms as you do, is a great strain for any marriage. You're experiencing extra stress due to your husband's loss of employment AND status as a breadwinner. It's a great blow to a man's ego to lose his profession and his health in one swoop. The added stress of dealing with an unhappy spouse is also a great burden. So, it's little wonder you feel as if everything will fly apart in a minute.

My sister-in-law suffers from multiple mental illnesses. In addition to medication she has been under the care of a Psychiatrist for many years. If you are not receiving counseling, I encourage you to do so. Medication can help with physiological aspects of mood but its not substitute for therapy. I'd also encourage you to attend sessions together so you can attack the problems before you as a team instead of adversaries. Check your yellow pages for a Community Mental Health Service. Many offer free or low cost counseling services.

You also can't expect to resolve all this stress immediately. I have no doubt your husband is choosing to sleep in the camper because it gives him relief from the stress in the household. Right or wrong, it's better than facing a blowup every moment of every day. Counseling can help the whole family deal with the stress of your situation.

I also wonder if you've ever received services from your state department of human services? Have you tried to get social security disability for yourself? Have you investigated what services may be available to you in terms of food stamps, housing assistance, child care, medical care? All this information is free for the asking at the department of human services. Look in the blue pages of the phonebook under your state.

Your husband will probably have to hire an attorney to successfully apply for disability through the VA or SSN. Many will take cases on a contingency basis, i.e. when your case is approved they take their fee off the top of the first payout.

Here are some other resources that you may find helpful in gaining help for your situation:

The National Alliance on Mental Illness: http://www.nami.org/

Legal Aid – under “United States” Legal Aid in the blue pages of your phonebook

Social Security – www.ssa.gov

National Foundation for Credit Counseling: http://www.nfcc.org/

What you both need is help coping with your circumstances and a plan. Access the help that's available to you and find people who can assist you in dealing with your situation. Your children need you to take care of yourselves so you can take care of them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2005

Thank you for all the replies. To answer a few of the questions that were asked of me, let me give y'all a little more info. Yes my husband has stood by my side through things I've done to hurt him and we worked through them. Atleast I thought we did. He is seeing a counselor right now. I have seen many counselors, including the one he is seeing right now. In fact, my Psychiatrist whom I've been seeing for a long time knows what is going on and he told me to tell my dh counselor that he would like me to be in the session so I would know what is being said. He said that because he wants to protect me. My dh has been to almost all of my psych appt and always adds his observance of how I was doing. So, my psychiatrist knows both me and my dh very well. The bottom line is during a counseling appt my dh realized he was taking all his anger out on me. I'm walking on eggshells around him scared to death of something I might say will set him off. When he gets angry and starts acting cruel to me, he starts talking about everything I ever did during our marriage that hurt him. He lumps it all into one huge tirade. It's incredibly crushing to me. I have been working on getting better but everytime he decides to snap it sets me back to the beginning of my progress of getting healthy. He takes something I say and turns it into something totally different. Last night I really thought it was going to be the end of me. I couldn't take feeling happier then I've felt in a long time then bam, I say something he takes the wrong way & the blow up begins. This has happened a few times recently within a day of eachother. Last night I sent a txt msg to my adult children and to my mother, sister & one of my brothers asking them if something happens to me, please take care of my young children because my dh is too unstable and he can't. My dh takes several narcotic pain meds and it has changed his behavior. Anyhow, we fought some more and I told him that if I wasn't able to take care of the kids, i didn't want him taking care of them in his state of mind so I asked some family members to care for them. He asked who? When i told him who, omg, he blew. He said there was no well in he** my mother would care for them. He said he would shoot her before he let that happen. As far as financial help from the state goes, we don't qualify for any. We have my dh's retirement checks plus his ssdi checks. As for the camper, well, it was already discussed when he 1st moved into the camper that it was to seperate us. When we worked things out he came back to our bed. So, the night he wanted to go to the camper i told him that i would take that as him seperating from me and wanting a divorce. I said I couldn't take this back and forth anymore.

Kathi Taylor
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2005

No, we haven't told the pain mgnt dr about the changes in personality. The meds are for pain and he has to take something for pain. I do not currently go to the counseling appts with my dh. I have gone to see the same counselor for mariage counseling and also on my own for my own counseling. The reason my dh started going to see the counselor again was to establish if he suffers from ptsd. He did realize while speaking with her that he is taking out his anger for the government on me. He has anger issues with me for stuff that has happened way back in our past so he lumped all his anger into one rage and took it all out on me. I don't know exactly what he has said to the counselor in regards to the things he's said to me? The counselor just knows that he's directing his anger towards me. He doesn't show any anger towards the children, just me. I have taken responsibility for my actions in the past and i've tried to improve our relationship but I feel that he has alot of resentment towards me and I thought we had worked out our issues over the past but lately if I disagree with something he says or question anything he does, he gets angry and starts argueing with me. I still try to keep my composure and talk it out with him but it seems to spiral out of control where there is no talking rationally to him when he's angry. Because I have history of emotional issues and the fights we had in the past would get bad, i don't think I will ever be able to outlive the way i use to fight. I'm more in control of my emotions now but once you gain a reputation for acting a certain way, it seems to always haunt you no matter how much you work on change and succeed at it. That's my story anyhow.

Kathi Taylor
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2005
we are not in marriage counseling or counseling together because we can't financially afford to. I really would like to go to counseling together however our insurance doesn't cover it. I might have a solution to that issue soon though? I am going to check into the church we attend to see if they have a group or something for marriage counseling. Our biggest issue is comunication.
Kathi Taylor
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2005

UPDATE: I wanted to post an update about my original post. Since I posted my original post, things have gone up and down but are beginning to improve. My dh has gone to a few more counseling sessions and has had his eyes opened up to what he's been doing to hurt our marriage and me. His behavior towards me has improved. We are talking better. He apologized for the way he treated me and said that he wanted to put our past in the past and work on a happier future. I can see a difference in his daily behavior. We still need to go to marriage counseling to work on our communication skills and I'm working on making that happen. I appreciate everyone's replies to my post. I felt so alone and so scared. Also, he has cut back on his pain meds and did say that he did not like the way the pain meds made him feel mentally. He knows that they do contribute to his personality changes. He admitted that to me. I just pray everyday that the happiness I am now feeling doesn't disappear. I really want our marriage to continue on. After being married for over 25yrs, I've invested all of me into my family and I don't want to lose that. I want my marriage to not only get better but be better then it ever has and beyond. It will take hard work to change years of bad habits and behavior on both sides but I believe that he is my soul mate and we deserve to be happy together.

Kathi :heart:

Kathi Taylor