How to deal with M counseling?

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
How to deal with M counseling?
20
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 8:21pm

So, my H has decided we ought to see a marriage counselor. This came up a few weeks ago after weeks of a cold war in our house.

Typically we're both very easy going people and although I've told him many times I'm unhappy, we're both kind to each other and rarely fight. 

Over the summer we started picking at each other more often and had sex a lot less, and after seeing how depressed I was getting - he suggested therapy.

We're supposed to start in the next week or so and I'm not quite sure how to handle it. Clearly I am not going to confess cheating, and yet, this may be an opportunity to at least share some of what I see as being wrong in our relationship. I don't want to hurt him though, so complete honesty isn't an option. 

I guess it's terrible to know that this won't work since I'm not giving it my all, but I feel like I owe it to him to participate and I hope he gets something out of it. 

I was texting with AP this morning and he surprised me (and hurt me) when he said I should give therapy a real shot. I was like, really?! Then he backpeddled explaining he wanted to be ready in case I changed my mind at some point about him, like, say after going through M counseling. I have the same insecurities about him changing his mind about me - obviously this is a situation where there are no guarantees and at times it's crazy making. 

So, have any of you had to go to M counseling while having an active A? What was that like?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2012
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 8:53pm
I did but it was after a dday. I tried to break off the A initially but it didnt last. We went for about a year and im getting a divorce now. I have to say you should figure out what you wqnt out of it. If you genuinely want tot improve your M i doubt that will happen if you are still in an A. If you wish to dissolve your M this may be the route. You may want to know up front if yoyr T shares what you tell him or her during individ sessions. Id discourage telling about the A unless you want to end either it or your M. Honestly it was hell for me to lie and fake ot week after week. :smileysad:
Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 8:56pm
Thankfully, I have not had to. We have brought it up but never committed.
If you can separate your feelings for your marriage and your husband from those that you have for ap and that r, it may be possible. But, which happens to me, they intertwine. Ap ticks me off and h gets the raw end of the stock.

 

Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 8:57pm
Thankfully, I have not had to. We have brought it up but never committed.
If you can separate your feelings for your marriage and your husband from those that you have for ap and that r, it may be possible. But, which happens to me, they intertwine. Ap ticks me off and h gets the raw end of the stick.

 

Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2012
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 9:22am

I think AP wants you to give it a real shot because he wants you to be sure about course that going down.  That's all.  I'm sure inside he's wanting to be with you, but he wants to be certain that you're certain.  :smileywink:

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2012
Sun, 09-30-2012 - 8:13pm
Dont waste Your & H 's time & money by pretending to work on your M while secretly working to damage it
.That's like playing your partner for a fool.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2012
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 2:44am
Well seranita is right I post similar type of commemts and thats because 99% of times the affair stories are same except for some technical details . You just cant see it from inside
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 11:22am

Of course what love_guru said is right, that her clandestine activities are only sabotaging her marriage!

You cannot simultaneously prevent and prepare for war. Albert Einstein

The only thing that she owes her husband IF she wants to work on her marriage is to END the A. Then it will be the time for MC.. but of course 99% of women are too weak for that.

I read the subject of this thread when it was posted, without opening it, and I thought: "what is going on in the brain of a person in an A?!!" and only got curious because I noticed there were some replies!

Of course 99% of As are the same, you just can't see it from inside... unless .... you've been inside a few :smileywink:

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 5:27pm

"My struggle is that I am not passionate about him - he's like a dear old friend rather than someone I wantt to make love to. "

I think that is a good way to put it.  I struggled with this idea, too, before I got a D.  Ultimately, for ME, I decided that I needed to move on from that R if I didn't have that passion I need, or the respect I should have for him.  We did have a good, passionate, respectful M for many years until those things died, so I knew what it should feel like.  There had certainly been hard times, and down times in the cycle of our M, but I could just feel the difference when that special part of the love died.  I still love him and respect him in many ways, but that way that is vital to me to stay committed to a person was gone.  

I think some people continue to stay with a spouse and remain faithful even when that special type of love is gone.  Some people seem to handle it well.  Many others seem to get really resentful and start hurting themselves in some way (overeating, drinking too much, becoming too involved in work or social activities) to try to hide the emptiness that the loss of that love has caused. I do think if I would have stayed in the R, I would have had more As.  Ultimately, what it comes down  is that I want LOVE again.  The whole shebang...not just a trusted friend or a companion.  I want passion and that desire to just be near a man again.  I knew I would keep making the same mistakes if I stayed with XH instead of venturing out on my own.  

I'm telling you all of this because I know how hard it is to try to figure it all out in the haze of the A and the hormones and the drama.  My advice is to take time before you act (I took well over a year to decide).  Also, I got some good advice on here when I was freaking out about making a mistake in my decisions.  Somebody told me that very few decisions are irreversible.  If you leave him and it is a mistake, life will find a way to bring you back together.  It happens.  All you can do is make the best choice you can make, then commit yourself to make the best out of the outcome of that choice, whatever that outcome may be.  Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2012
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 7:32pm
Have you read why good people have affairs? There is a really good section on chemistry. Its broken down on many levels. I realized there were some crucial things missing from the beginning. I have them all and then some with AP. Additionally i think some relationships just change and morph into something that no longer works.