Over a Year
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|Mon, 09-24-2012 - 11:49pm|
So, again, the act of giving advice this past week has made me look at my own situation and think about it more. That's what I loke about this board. It seems so black and white when I see someone else's problems, and sometimes I have to actually read my own posts outloud before I realize the very words I am saying to somebody else completely apply to me and my own recovery from my A.
Last week it hit me that as of Sept. 11th, it has been a year since we have been physical. It's been over a year now. I think part of me was still waiting for the pause to let up and the A to resume for many months, but something about a full year makes it official. He's been completely consistent that whole time about not wanting to restart that part of our R. I had accepted that in part of the past year, but obviously I hadn't fully accepted it.
The craziest thing is there would have been no reason to restart the A. I know there is no future, and I don't think about a future with him. But it was almost this tunnel vision...I just wanted him to want me, and I wanted the passion again. That was as far as emotional reasoning ever got. Starting it would have led us back to the exact same frustrations and stress, and yet I still had such a pull for it again.
The year mark makes it hard to ignore. I feel bad. I have stopped putting effort into our friendship. I didn't realize how much of the time and energy I put into it were because I love him in a romantic way. I don't put that much energy into my regular friendships. I feel bad because I feel like I am dampered right now. I guess it comes from trying to put out the love I feel for him. I feel bad because even if it was not something good, it is very hard to watch a R that I spent so much time nurturing wither away. It meant so much to me for so long, that it almost feels sacriligious to just let it go, and not it let be the center of my world anymore. It should feel natural to let if fizzle out, but it doesn't. I've been fighting so long to keep these feelings afloat that it's like it is a reflex now to keep feeling them, even when every bit of my logic and all of the logic of my smart friends tell me letting go is the most natural, sensible thing to do. How can it feel draining then to do nothing? I feel worn out at the end of these days when I have had to mute my enthusiasm for him and my desire to please him and make him happy. It seems like trying to make him happy would be the tiring scenario, but trying to do nothing is like fighting against something that is pulling at me.
Sorry if this makes no sense or it is disjointed. My thoughts aren't fitting together right now.