Over a Year

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Over a Year
23
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 11:49pm

So, again, the act of giving advice this past week has made me look at my own situation and think about it more.  That's what I loke about this board.  It seems so black and white when I see someone else's problems, and sometimes I have to actually read my own posts outloud before I realize the very words I am saying to somebody else completely apply to me and my own recovery from my A.

Last week it hit me that as of Sept.  11th, it has been a year since we have been physical.  It's been over a year now.  I think part of me was still waiting for the pause to let up and the A to resume for many months, but something about a full year makes it official.  He's been completely consistent that whole time about not wanting to restart that part of our R.  I had accepted that in part of the past year, but obviously I hadn't fully accepted it.

The craziest thing is there would have been no reason to restart the A.  I know there is no future, and I don't think about a future with him.  But it was almost this tunnel vision...I just wanted him to want me, and I wanted the passion again.  That was as far as emotional reasoning ever got.  Starting it would have led us back to the exact same frustrations and stress, and yet I still had such a pull for it again.  

The year mark makes it hard to ignore.  I feel bad.  I have stopped putting effort into our friendship.  I didn't realize how much of the time and energy I put into it were because I love him in a romantic way.  I don't put that much energy into my regular friendships.  I feel bad because I feel like I am dampered right now.  I guess it comes from trying to put out the love I feel for him.  I feel bad because even if it was not something good, it is very hard to watch a R that I spent so much time nurturing wither away.  It meant so much to me for so long, that it almost feels sacriligious to just let it go, and not it let be the center of my world anymore.  It should feel natural to let if fizzle out, but it doesn't.  I've been fighting so long to keep these feelings afloat that it's like it is a reflex now to keep feeling them, even when every bit of my logic and all of the logic of my smart friends tell me letting go is the most natural, sensible thing to do.  How can it feel draining then to do nothing?  I feel worn out at the end of these days when I have had to mute my enthusiasm for him and my desire to please him and make him happy.  It seems like trying to make him happy would be the tiring scenario, but trying to do nothing is like fighting against something that is pulling at me.

Sorry if this makes no sense or it is disjointed.  My thoughts aren't fitting together right now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
In reply to: janejosie
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 11:28am

((Hugs))  I understand every word of what you're saying.  Hitting the month mark for me was like "wow, there's really no going back".  I, too, find a lot of things I say here apply to me and my own healing, and maybe are things I'm saying to myself more than the person I'm responding to.

I feel sometimes that I hang on more to be "right".  Giving him my heart and soul, the very best of me - it can't all be for nothing, right?  Letting go is logical, and probably way easier, but it's not something you can force.  The more you try to resist the place you're at right now, the more of a hold it takes on you.

My desire to be with xAP again still really has a hold on me.  Yet it's been a few days of not hearing from him, and I'm reminded of all the reasons I should squelch that desire.  All the things he said to me last week, and the kiss, and the attentive calls right after... and now he must be deciding he doesn't want to reconcile.  Why would I want to be with someone who can't make up their mind about me after this long?  You don't want to go back to the early stages of when your A ended.  I know you know that, and I hope you give yourself a lot of credit for what you've gone through & how you've conducted yourself.

My son passed away 8 yrs ago this Saturday.  I walked around over 2 yrs with the intense love I had for him bottled up inside me.  It was intensely exhausting.  I never thought I'd feel alive again; I felt like nothing else could ever get through to me and at the same time just wanted someone I could lay some of that love on.  I know it's not the same thing as a R.  But grief is grief.  The anniversary makes it all so real & intense, and everything you're feeling is important and normal, and it's totally ok to not let go for right now.

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
In reply to: janejosie
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 11:55am

(((hugs)))  I know how hard this is for you.  I went through 3 years of no contact whatsoever.  I was the idiot who contacted him and started this mess up again.

Stay strong!  I applaud you for trying to keep the friendship, even while having feelings. 

 

Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2012
In reply to: janejosie
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 2:53pm
Affairs take up so much of our lives. Im so sorry for the emptiness and grief you are feeling. There really is not enough out there about these kinds of relationships and what they do to our psyche. Its considered so taboo that we are quickly dismissed. I looked at another board recently and was saddened to read the sense of hopelessness some still felt with missing AP and struggling desparately to regai. Anything at all for H. To me that is a sign to move on but i know everyone has their own reasons. I have no answer i just wanted to express sincere sympathy for where you are at.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 4:48pm
Hi Tdalways,

Great post! Haven't seen you comment in a while and hope you are well.

 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2008
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 9:13pm

Create my deepest condolences on the loss of your son eight years ago. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2011
In reply to: janejosie
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 12:58am

Hugs JJ! 

I totally understand what you are saying. I love reading your posts, you are great at expressing confusing and deep thoughts/feelings!

I think your relationship with him has been such a huge part of your life and such a huge part of YOU, that its terrifying to let go. Its like parting with a part of yourself, parting with this way of life that you've been living. Even though it was stressful, frustrating, tiring, and hurtful at times, its what you know. I think hating him and feeling anger or hurt (or feeling anything, really) can be more comfortable than simply sitting back and letting it drift away, knowing that one day he will just be "a person I used to know" and feeling nothing. Its scrary because him being "just a person you used to know", almost makes it seem that this future you, the one who doesnt think about him anymore and has a different life, is not who you are now. She is a stranger at this point. In a way. 

But I think the only way you will ever be able to live your life fully is by really and truly letting him go and letting the hope go. No more looking at him and W trying to decode body language, no wondering why he is still with her, no more investing your free time into being a fun friend for him. Though you have not been physical for a year, I think a part of you still holds out some sort of hope and its preventing you from moving on. You are such a smart and beautiful person, there is so much out there for you, man or no man. At some point, when you are ready, maybe its time to make a final step towards this new future where JJ is the center of your world. She's not such bad company you know! :smileyhappy:

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2011
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 1:43am

Create, I am so sorry for the loss of your son. The last paragraph in post is very touching and brought tears to my eyes. I can only imagine how you are feeling.  Sending you thoughts and prayers in this difficult time of year for you. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
In reply to: janejosie
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 8:08pm

I just read your post on here from today.  How are you doing jane?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
In reply to: janejosie
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 8:56pm

Thank you all so much for your responses!  It means so much to know that I am not alone in this thinking and feeling.  It's so hard to feel crazy sometimes. I think I would have gone off the deep end it it hadn't been for this site and all of the kind people on here who showed me that an A affects lots of us the same way.  So many of you put my feelings into words better than I did, and that helped me a lot.  I get frustrated with myself because I KNOW what the answer is, and I won't do it.  I really appreciate that fact that you all could just give me support and gentle guidance without stating the obvious...lol.  It just means so much to have friends who say we have been there, and it sucks.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
In reply to: janejosie
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 8:58pm

Singlegirl,

Maybe we can fight the memories together!  I have been doing a little dating, but the emptiness I feel after I them makes me feel even more needy for XAP.  I think because it isn't the right guys right now.  But I will keep trying if you do!

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