getting threw difficult challenges

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
getting threw difficult challenges
9
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 12:40am

My best friend passed away June 24, its been a ongoing struggle, some days are getting better though.  Yesterday, I went to her house for the first time since she passed, I needed to, its was hard though.  Her Son still lives there and he is getting himself into all kinds of trouble since his Mom passed.  I feel for him and want help him and worry about him all the time, I needed to touch base with him, and tell him how concerned I am about him, he is so angry and hates the world right now and doesnt care about much of anything at all.  He is only 20, and has no parents, his Dad passed away 2 years ago, when he was only 18, and he has no siblings.  My friend asked me to watch out for him before she passed, I am trying but I feel like I am not doing enough because her son seems bent on destruction, and I cannot seem to help.  Driving into her driveway yesterday, I though I was going to have a panic attack, I could hardly breath, but I needed to talk to him, I hope somehow, he listened, and knows I care and am there for him.  All I can do is keep trying

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-1999
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 5:45am

Hi, I am sorry for your loss.     After my Mom died May 2010, although my dad had died back 1993 it seems as if suddenly you are an orphan when the second parent dies.

Then my husband dying suddenly Nov 2010 was the biggest shock and don't know if I will ever recover totally from that one.

That is wonderful you promised your friend to watch out for her son but may I suggest you have a plan in your mind of how much help you are comfortable with.  What if he needs money or wants to move in with you later on?   I just think if you have an idea ahead of time of what you are OK with then there won't be any hurt feelings if you help or give him more than you are comfortable with.    

I have worked hard with setting boundaries,  I am doing that with my stepkids,  how much money or stuff am I OK with giving them, but when it doesn't feel right, I set back and regroup.   And this is totally not your situation but my husband's brother that was pushing my buttons at first, I held back from telling him to leave me alone, and so glad I did as now when like the hot water heater doesn't work I feel OK with calling him and he came over and relit it for me and I could honestly say I love him when he left.  

My point is treat your friend's son as you feel comfortable doing yet respect you are still grieving and in shock so how you feel now may settle out a little different later on.

hugs,  Josie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2009
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 1:40pm

Hey,

it is a real kind thing to do, to try and guide your friend's son in the right direction. I am sure you are doing a real good job but please don't be hard on yourself if you are unable to keep him on the right path. At least he will know you do care and he can come to you but he also has to take responsibilities for his own actions. 

Love

Promise



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2009
Sat, 09-29-2012 - 4:23pm

Hey Kathy,

all you can do is pray that he will come to his senses before things really get out of control. Do you think he is acting out more because of his mom's passing?  You are a wonderful friend to his mom in trying to carry out her wishes in watching out for him but please don't make yourself ill in the process as I am sure your friend would not want that.

Love

Promise



Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Sun, 09-30-2012 - 1:43pm

~hugs~

You are such an Awesome friend!

So glad that you are there for her son, don't give up he will need you.

He is Angry right now and probably very lost...:smileysad:...I have a friend to who died recently and I am feeling like you do.

She left behind three children.

You are both hurting.

We ALL deal with it differently.

My sister was around that age when our Mom died it was hard.

I have another friend who was nineteen when she lost hers.

He has no one really but you and his friends.

My friend's son wanted to stay at home and his grand-mother thinks maybe he should come live with her.

I know he wants just to be home surrounded by "Mom"...

I miss her so much but cannot bear to go there either.

<3

 

 

Nightangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2009
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 1:48pm

Hey Kathy,

I am real pleased you have found a support group where you are able to talk with people who understand the pain of bereavement. It can really help being able to share with others, to comfort them and receive comfort in return.

It may be the young man will come around with time.  He is probably working through his own grief. Sometimes people react in ways that don't serve them the best but he has your support and it may well be that you will help him turn himself around in time. Sometimes people have to get to rock bottom before they are ready to move forward. If anyone can help that youn g man, then I think it will be you.:smileyhappy:

Love

Promise



Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Sat, 10-13-2012 - 1:37pm

Hi Kathy,

He will, it might just take a little time...

~hugs~

My friend's Mom is having a difficult time...:smileysad:...

I can't even imagine how hard that must be for her.

It's great about the counselling.

I had an appointment on Friday, but unfortunately they cancelled at the LAST moment but are going to re-schedule.

Lorie

<3

Nightangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2009
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 10:30am

Hey Lorie,

hope you get re-sheduled soon. I hate it when they get cancelled. I get all sorted out in my mind that I am going to do it then it doesn't happen and I have to start building up my confidence again.

Love

Promise