Would this offend you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2011
Would this offend you?
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 9:54am

Would you be offended if your AP gave you money for your birthday?  No card, no nothing written on a scrap piece of paper?  Just a bill handed to you?  I am so mad right now but I don't know if I have a right to be mad. 

He told me the day before my birthday to be on the look out for a bday wish on my phone right at 1 minute past midnight.  Next morning, nothing there.  Apparently, he had a huge fight with his W and didn't remember/have time/ or whatever for my bday wish.  I don't care but don't say you'll do it and then get sidetracked with "LIFE" and don't do it.

I didn't want to accept the money, I was so mad.  But he begged me to take it. 

He apologized profusely and keeps sending me messages throughout the day but I am not feeling it.  Am I wrong?


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2012
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 10:27am

What are we 10?  Who gives another adult money for their birthday?  I don't know if I'd be offended, but it's a bit tacky.  I don't think his intentions were to upset you though, so be easy on his naive ass.  lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 10:31am

I understand why you're upset.  Not following through because something else was "priority" isn't a good feeling, especially on your bday.  But I don't think he's intentionally disrespecting you.  I wouldn't hold a grudge over it, but would make sure he understood why it upset you, then tell him you're holding on to the cash for him to take you to lunch or whatever else you'd like to have from him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2011
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 11:04am

Yeah, i would be.  Very much so.  I don't want his money, though, (not that he has any to give), just his attention.  And I didn't even get that on my birthday.  All week long, he was talking about it and I couldn't wait to hear from him... and then HE FORGOT... he got busy with life.  He emailed me bright and early the next day and apologized for forgetting, but never told me "Happy Birthday" then, either.   

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2011
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 11:17am

I don't need his money, my God, I am an adult and if I want something I would not need his money to go buy it.  He could have kept his money.  What about a card?  What about a handwritten note on a scrap piece of paper?  Is that too much effort?

My H gives me money all the time because he hates malls and never knows what to buy me.  But he buys a card! 

I am sooooo not feeling it!  I find it so incredibly stupid and pointless.  And he is clueless, truly, truly clueless.  And an idiot.  I told him "thank you for making my birthday nothing special" and I told him I would make sure I spend the money on nothing special as well. 

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 11:18am

No, I would not be offended, considering I haven't received a darn thing in all the time we have been together for any holiday or birthday.  

Things happen, and I know it hurts,   But he did make the effort,


Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2011
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 11:35am


I disagree with Lost, that he 'made an effort'. Sorry, to me, reaching into your wallet is not 'making an effort'.

Backtosan, you are preaching to the choir! I am (was with my Xap) all about 'effort'. Forget the money for a second, I wouldn't be pleased with the "look for a text at one minute after midnight" and then get NOTHING. I have to also say, I'm not sure I'd buy the 'big fight with the wife' storyline. Frankly, he didn't have 20 seconds to send a text? All night? Did they stay up arguing until 7 am and then he quickly left for work? He had no time to walk into the bathroom and send a quick Happy Birthday text?? Give me a break. The things that matter the most (to me) are the small things.  When something or someone matters to you, you take the time. Period.

My Xap was always SO BUSY (so much more than anyone else), he was always late to lunch, etc. had to stop for gas when we only had an hour together, didn't have much money, we went half on most things (we never had sex but we spent one day in a hotel room) and, in the end, just went MIA. It's just selfishness all around.

I don't remember your story so maybe this is a one-time thing. And for some women the lack of birthday text is no big thing, but since you asked, for me, that is something that would truly annoy me and something I would pay attention to in the future. I just do. not. buy. that he didn't have ANY time to send a text. It takes 5 seconds.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 11:40am
I never did understand that whole " I didn't have time to text". Like I've always said...you can go to the restroom and it only takes seconds. I would not be happy about being given money but best believe he would have known this about me anyway. Have you spoken to him and made it clear that this is not your idea of a gift? Have you communicated to him that you are not "feeling this" and upset that he didn't call you a minute after 12am like he promised? You have to tell him this or he will do it again next year. Be vocal about what you like and don't like, so he has nothing to stand on if he tries it again.
To me the little things mean the most. Let him know...


Much peace & Love,



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2012
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 11:44am
Agree! I would be beyond upset if I didn't get a birthday text. I mean I get it if he thought a card might be a bit hard to hide. But a nice text or e-mail followed by a nice rendezvous soon after will be very much appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2011
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 11:48am
PeppermintCandy8769 wrote:


I have to also say, I'm not sure I'd buy the 'big fight with the wife' storyline. Frankly, he didn't have 20 seconds to send a text? All night? Did they stay up arguing until 7 am and then he quickly left for work? He had no time to walk into the bathroom and send a quick Happy Birthday text?? Give me a break.

EXACTLY!!! This is what I said to him in text like 2 minutes ago!  I said "you didn't give me 15 seconds in between your arguements, went to the bathroom and sent me that text that YOU PROMISED, which I DID NOT ASK FOR!"

And then he tried to say he fell asleep on the couch, and I asked if he slept on the couch all night, he said no but he was so tired that he half-asleep went to bed.  I said "I don't care". 

See, the thing is, I don't have to put up with this crap because as I told him, whether we are together or not, no one will know the difference, only the two of us because "we" don't exist.  So, he has to make an extra effort (as do I) to go out of our way for each other because we have absolutely everything against us and we can only make each other feel better in secret.  I don't know if that makes sense to anyone out there.  It makes sense in my head! LOL!!

Quick Example:  sometimes we are able to meet just to say hello before we both have to be at work.  I make him lunch, or bring him fruit or a yogurt, something so he can eat later in the day.  Sometimes when we meet he'll bring me a flower that he's picked from someone's garden, something small.  That makes me smile. 

But for him to hand me a fifty????? Seriously?? And to think that him arguing with his wife excuses him from sending a text that would have taken 5 seconds??? A text that he said he would send, not that I asked for, but would have appreciated a million times more than fifty bucs.

It is the little things.  I am not interested in money. 



iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2011
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 11:52am


Admittedly, I am very black and white. There is not much gray in my viewpoints.

Yes, him paying for the hotels, even though that may be a hardship for him, is making an effort. Although, again, there are some women here, and I believe one of them commented on your "money" thread, who have said up front they would NEVER pay for the hotel. So, that is a 'couples' issue.

It's just that, to me, it's the little personal efforts that mean the most. Many people, myself included, don't really care much about money. I'm not impressed by it and it's just a means to an end for me. However, send me an email/text when I'm upset, nervous or confused about something and I'll melt. I just feel that's more intimate. Stepping up, emotionally, will always win the day for me. TAKING AN EFFORT to do that and I'm over the moon. My husband bringing me a to-go coffee when he's out running an errand means more than the jewelry he's given me. Handing me money will never move me.

The real issue is: the effort that is given has to match up to the effort that is wanted. That's something important in every relationship.