Feeling torn and scared

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2012
Feeling torn and scared
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 10:14am

Hello everyone, my name is Kristen and I'm 22. On sunday morning, I found out that I was pregnant. My boyfriend (who lives about 2 hours away from me) was up for the weekend. I had been having some period-related symptoms, thinking I was going to get it but was just late, as my period is inconsistent as it is. So we decided I should take a test just incase...and in a matter of seconds, my life changed. I have already made an appointment to get the pill on saturday morning. I'm wondering if I'm making a rash or hasty decision without really thinking but at the same time I know it's the right thing to do.

At first my inital thought was "no, it can't be real, there's no way I can keep/have this baby." We both discussed it and came to a mutual agreement that we're just too young and aren't financially stable enough to support a child. Not only that but we have so many plans for our future together...we want to get married in a few years and have children by our 30's or so. but this is just a curve ball i was NOT expecting. I feel so selfish that I'm thinking that way...that I can't have a baby because there's so much I want to do (especially since we got ourselves into this situation to begin with). But I feel guilty to not let our child grow and live a full life either. 

All the sudden I feel like I'm still a child myself, how can I have a baby when I'm struggling to make ends meet (and my boyfriend was just having financial issues himself). It just doesn't seem fair to bring a baby into this world like that. On top of that, I had NO idea I was (figuring I'm somewhere between 5-7 wks along...we'll see when I get the ultrasound), so being a 22 year old college student, I've been going out and drinking with friends. I feel terrible that I've suscepted my child to that and could possibly alter his/her development, even though I had no idea. It's not fair to do that either. But then comes the womanly - and i guess instant motherly instinct - that this IS our child. a part of both of us...i have another living thing growing inside of me. It breaks my heart to think about what I am planning on doing and I've always been pro-choice, every situation is different and i've always thought, "if this ever happens to me, i'm getting an abortion without a doubt." but now i'm IN this situation, which i never knew i would be, and i'm having mixed thoughts. I feel like I'm going to be a murderer. and it's really bothering me. I know we'll have kids later in the future, but it will never be our first child or my first pregnancy. 

even though it hasn't been long since I found out, I can't stop crying and it's killing me inside. I care about this fetus, this baby, whatever you want to call it more than I initially thought I did. I want to be a mom, but I don't feel i'm ready yet...how can I have such mixed emotions? Am i doing the right thing? I have never known any one in my situation and desperately need to talk to someone. I feel so alone and scared and while my boyfriend is being supportive and said he will be there for me no matter what my decision (he thinks we should abort him/her)...he's a guy. He is trying to understand but I need another woman's support. i feel completely lost. 

Sorry this is so long, not even sure if it makes sense as I am just opening the floodgates of all the thoughts and emotions running through me. Thanks

Avatar for cmkarla
Registered: 01-03-2001
Fri, 09-28-2012 - 8:44am

Hi Kristen. Welcome to iVillage. There are several women here who are in similar situations so hopefully they will be around soon to talk with you.

Community ModeratoriVillage.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Sat, 09-29-2012 - 11:28pm

Hi, and welcome to the board. I'm sure it is a scary and emotional time for you. First off - I think it's perfectly normal to have a range of emotions. After all, you are pregnant, and that by itself brings up a lot of feelings. Scared, happy, wishing that it was under different circumstances. Not to mention trying to figure out how your boyfriend will react to the news, and whether how he reacts is really how he feels or just how he thinks you want him to feel.  It's a lot of stress.

It's already Saturday, did you go through with the procedure? 

Even when it is the right thing to do, it doesn't mean it is an easy thing to do. It's almost impossible not to imagine being pregnant under more ideal circumstances, when keeping the baby would be a better option. It's almost impossible not to wonder what would have or could have happened if you kept the child. Accept those feelings, but do not let yourself dwell on them. They're normal.

Also, the more time that passes usually the better it is for you. For a while the experience and emotions will be raw. Eventually with some time and work they tend to recede into the backgound more and more. At least that was my experience.