Feeling torn and scared
Find a Conversation
|Tue, 09-25-2012 - 10:14am|
Hello everyone, my name is Kristen and I'm 22. On sunday morning, I found out that I was pregnant. My boyfriend (who lives about 2 hours away from me) was up for the weekend. I had been having some period-related symptoms, thinking I was going to get it but was just late, as my period is inconsistent as it is. So we decided I should take a test just incase...and in a matter of seconds, my life changed. I have already made an appointment to get the pill on saturday morning. I'm wondering if I'm making a rash or hasty decision without really thinking but at the same time I know it's the right thing to do.
At first my inital thought was "no, it can't be real, there's no way I can keep/have this baby." We both discussed it and came to a mutual agreement that we're just too young and aren't financially stable enough to support a child. Not only that but we have so many plans for our future together...we want to get married in a few years and have children by our 30's or so. but this is just a curve ball i was NOT expecting. I feel so selfish that I'm thinking that way...that I can't have a baby because there's so much I want to do (especially since we got ourselves into this situation to begin with). But I feel guilty to not let our child grow and live a full life either.
All the sudden I feel like I'm still a child myself, how can I have a baby when I'm struggling to make ends meet (and my boyfriend was just having financial issues himself). It just doesn't seem fair to bring a baby into this world like that. On top of that, I had NO idea I was (figuring I'm somewhere between 5-7 wks along...we'll see when I get the ultrasound), so being a 22 year old college student, I've been going out and drinking with friends. I feel terrible that I've suscepted my child to that and could possibly alter his/her development, even though I had no idea. It's not fair to do that either. But then comes the womanly - and i guess instant motherly instinct - that this IS our child. a part of both of us...i have another living thing growing inside of me. It breaks my heart to think about what I am planning on doing and I've always been pro-choice, every situation is different and i've always thought, "if this ever happens to me, i'm getting an abortion without a doubt." but now i'm IN this situation, which i never knew i would be, and i'm having mixed thoughts. I feel like I'm going to be a murderer. and it's really bothering me. I know we'll have kids later in the future, but it will never be our first child or my first pregnancy.
even though it hasn't been long since I found out, I can't stop crying and it's killing me inside. I care about this fetus, this baby, whatever you want to call it more than I initially thought I did. I want to be a mom, but I don't feel i'm ready yet...how can I have such mixed emotions? Am i doing the right thing? I have never known any one in my situation and desperately need to talk to someone. I feel so alone and scared and while my boyfriend is being supportive and said he will be there for me no matter what my decision (he thinks we should abort him/her)...he's a guy. He is trying to understand but I need another woman's support. i feel completely lost.
Sorry this is so long, not even sure if it makes sense as I am just opening the floodgates of all the thoughts and emotions running through me. Thanks