On the verge...

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
On the verge...
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 11:23am
Sorry about the handle. I have to find a way to create a new one. I've learned from lurking here.

Here's why I am here. Married 12 years this weekend. Had an affair when we separated several years ago. Ended it after a tragedy in my family. We have one child. (6). Husband only thinks previous affair was emotional/kissing.

Fast forward to now. I make a good salary (breadwinner) ... He makes decent salary too. But our/his previous spending history means I have to file for bankruptcy. He really isn't willing to move again or take son out of new private school to make adjustments. We have moved a ton (previous issues) and it would be upsetting to our son. However I am the only one holding the bag ... It seems. I'm filing. He isn't. Because of my enabling... HE isn't on the credit accounts.

Anyway... He's not a bad man. But I started finding successful men attractive. I quickly started an emotional affair with one in particular. And he thinks I'm separated. (I thought I would be now). And it's gotten to the point where he wants it to be physical. I am SO drawn to this man. He's smart... Wealthy. A good father (not married).

But I came here because I'm so scared. I just don't feel good about either option. My husband is the father of our son and I shouldn't disrespect that. But I am SO tempted.

I don't know how I will function without this other guy in my life.
Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
In reply to:
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 4:37pm

Welcome to the board.  Yeah, I think you may need to rethink your log in name.  But....first, think about what you are looking for here.  I may be a little slow, I have been gone for a while.  What is it exactly that you want?

Do you want a marriage to the man who fathered your child? Do you want to continue this marriage?

Or......do you want someone new?  Someone with some money.  Someone who will be part time in your life, while draining the life out of you until he meets someone new who can offer more than you can?

Are you looking for help in deciding whether to have another affair or to stop having an affair? 

What and who are you willing to commit to?


We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2012
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 7:01pm

Please do yourself and everyone else involved a HUGE favor and STOP, THINK and stick to one thing at a time. You know the right answer. Figure out your marriage first,,, either work on it or get out of it.

You say you've been reading here,,, then you know all the heartache an affair causes. I haven't seen one happy ending of continuing an affair in all my reading.

Do you WANT to feel like the name you chose? I hope not, but if you do, then start with working on YOU, it will be worth it.

Let us know how you are doing. You are the one that designs your life, what do you want it to be?


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 1:02am


I hope that you are continuing to see your therapist to work this out.  You posted back in August and received responses with solid advice in the hopes of steering you away from this idea.  And you say you have been lurking here...an ending affair board...and so have been reading about destruction and heartache and the difficulties facing the realities of one's marriage because a third party was brought to a party for two.  And you have also seen by lurking here that people do go on to live without their affair partners, even when most had the very same feelings...'how can I ever live without him/her?"  

My advice to you would be to stop your emotional affair, continue with your counseling, work through your own issues, get yourself on solid ground and then reassess your marriage with a clearer head.   


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2008
Thu, 09-27-2012 - 11:23am

Hello Ladies.. Definetly change the name:smileywink:

Read the 2 books Womens Infidelty 1 and 2

They are amazing books and I think you could really benefit from them.

Wish I would have read the before my A. If you want out of your M do it for yourself NOT because OR for someone else