Seeing him in a different (ugly) light

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2012
Seeing him in a different (ugly) light
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 3:32pm

I just found out last month but I have known that something wasn't right nearly since it started a year ago. I have known my DH for 20 years and married for 13. I never thought that he was capable of such a thing. He has always been the sweetest most wonderful and caring man in the past. I just don't understand how he could do this to me. He has cut off all contact with the AP and has done everything possible to show me he regrets what he did and wants to make it work with me. We have always had an extremely strong relationship in the past and this occurred only when we had a few very big life stressors and we stopped communicating like we should. We were angry at each other and she came in at a vunerable time in our marriage. I want to make it work. We are talking all the time now, going on dates again and seeing a therapist. However, part of me just can't get over that he is not the man I thought he was. I am deeply heartsick over his lack of morals. If he was that unhappy during our stressful period, why couldn't he just ask me for a divorce rather than cheat on me. We could have talked out our problems and consulted a therapist then instead of turning to someone else. He says he never wanted to lose me and that it just happened (the AP was a friend of his who wanted more and he responded). He regrets it all but I'm having trouble moving on. How do you get past seeing that your husband was not who you thought he was?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2012
Sun, 09-30-2012 - 11:31pm
I totally understand your question. When I found out my whole world was shaken. With everything that always went wrong in life, I held onto "knowing" we loved each other and wanted to be together. That was the one think I thought I could always bet on.

My H always says to me now that he is a different person today. He can not change the person he was or who "I" thought he was. It is clear we were both wrong about who we thought he was.

All he can do is show me and assure me of who he is now. Sometimes it is hard to beleive and he understands, saying he will spend any chance I give him to show me this new him. And be better than he ever was and to be everything I always deserved. Hope this helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2012
Sat, 09-29-2012 - 12:50am
You don't, happened to me 27 years ago, and we were not even having problems, you never get over it. I was the perfect wife. He is selfish and took me for granted. I should of left.