One of those weeks

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2008
One of those weeks
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 7:32pm
Where DH and I see to be rubbing each other the wrong way. We've taken a step back and a few old behaviors have resurfaced . . He seems stressed and controlling, I feel like working late and hanging out on the porch in the dark (quite nice actually with a candle and night noises).

We haven't had sex in weeks, I'm just not interested, and that leads to a grumpy husband. Oh well. I'm dealing with stuff at work but he doesn't really ask and doesn't understand when I do share something.

I remember how lonely I felt pre-A. I'm not there, but not really thriving either. Money, bills, homework, trying to lose weight, laundry. Rinse and repeat.

But as tempted as I am to call xAP I know that it wouldn't make me feel better at all, so I don't.

~ Songs
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2012
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 7:54pm


I know what you mean about 'one of those weeks". Work is really stressful and life is just really busy this week.

Your last line struck me, "as tempted as I am to call xap, I know it won't make me feel better at all, so I don't"

I'm finally there with you, but it seemed to take forever to REALLY realize that it won't make me feel better. I still have the nagging thoughts which increase as I get more tired or stressed, but logic is finally winning!!

We can do this (((HUGS)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2008
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 8:28pm
It's funny K because I swear I hear Rainie's voice taking to Clarity role playing what a conversation would be like with xAP now . .

Well he said he missed her. Now he wants to know if she's thought of him and wished she could love him again. Oh now she has to let him know they'll be no going down memory lane again. Ok now he will be increasingly eager to get his feel goods and he'll say something like " You're in my thoughts every day, when I bike, when I listen to music, when I wake in the night." And I think Really?? Seriously? So all those times I left a msg first thing in the workday and you either didn't get back to me or waited til the end of the day . . That was me being a priority in your life??? Or more like an after dinner mint. And then I have no desire to call. And my invisible Raine and Clarity remind me only 1 more month till Tweenerville.

I have lost the ability to pick up the phone on impulse. I must weigh the consequences. And I'm a litttle afraid of Clarity. I think she lives near me in New England. Lol!

~ Songs
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 9:05pm very afraid. Female Gangster

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 12:07pm

I must have heard you calling my name.  I've been so busy this week, I have not had much chance to check in.  If you ever need me, just PM.  That is the primary way Goodheart and I communicate, so I do check PMs every day.  Several times.

I am glad I am in your head, LOL.  You know how hard I tried to "be friends".  And unlike most people who try it, xAP and I genuinely did not engage in any A-like behaviour in that 3 months at all.

But the thing is, once that line has been crossed, sadly there is no going back.  The poor guy, there was no winning with me.  I was very clear that the A had hurt me immeasurably and I was not going down that path again.  Yet, I'd say his emails were too "surface" and didn't really say anything about how he was feeling about his new life circumstances etc etc.  And you know, guys relate differently to their "friends" than women relate to their (close) friends.  So I still wanted emotional intimacy, in a non-sexual way, and they just don't do that with their friends.  He just really did not know what to do.  And it was just too painful for me to continue.

It's 9 months next week since I last responded to an email from him.   Things are not always great at home.  H and I both have very demanding jobs and 3 young children.  It's go, go, go 24/7.  I smiled at your description of sitting on your porch in the dark.  I did try that th eother noght, I love my porch!  But It lasted about 23 seconds and then someone needed me.

Once when, our now 10 year old was a baby and I was newly pregnant with our 2nd, things were not awesome at home.  We didn't have sex for about 5 weeks, I jsut didn not feel like it.  So I dragged him to marriage counselling.  After a couple of sessions, she said to me.  Go home and have sex with your husband, that is your homework.  I think she told him to load the d*mn dishwasher.

I didn't want to.  But I did.  and I have recomended it to several girlfriends who were pissed off at their Hs.  Kind of fake it until you make it.  Plus, when my H is grumpy, he really is insufferable.

Anyway, you are soooo right that picking up that phone is not going to help.  It will just remind you that you aren't all that important to xAP.  Not because of you, but because of the circumstances.  You *can't* be that important to him. 

The further out you get, the more stubborn you will get too.

I am jsut not going to break my 9 months of NC.  Not going to happen.  Too stubborn :smileyhappy:

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2012
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 7:18pm

Rain, I love this, perfect for today when those thoughts are nagging me "It will just remind you that you aren't all that important to xAP.  Not because of you, but because of the circumstances.  You *can't* be that important to him."

 It's true, AND he's a jerk... :smileywink:

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Thu, 09-27-2012 - 11:16am


I too appreciated your words.  I received a "sympathy email" from XAP yesterday.  Him just trying to make contact.  And if I broke contact and responded, I would once again be reminded that I'm not THE priority, the only one, in his life.  Any contact with him will remind me of this.  Because of the circumstances.  And, if I am intimate (not just physically) with a man, it does not suit me if its not an exclusive relationship.  XAP did and said many things to make it feel/look like an exclusive relationship.  But, A's are not.  And I think that when we are in the A, we need to fantasize (and lie and decieve) that it is an exclusive relationship.  So that we can rationalize the behavior that we are engaging in for the "feel goods".  Maybe some people that engage in A's are okay with that - I know that it doesn't work for me.  Thus, I had to leave it, end it.

Thanks for a little clarity on this.