Feeling alone

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2012
Feeling alone
14
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 8:01pm

I really need support and understanding from other women who are struggling with fertility issues. I am feeling very alone and invalidated by others.

My husband and I have been TTC for over a year with no success. We recently saw a fertility specilaist who prescribed me Clomid. I was so hopeful that we would fall pregnant this month as tests showed I had ovulated. However, like every month before I got my period. I even did two pregnancy tests as my period was unusual and I hoped it was breakthrough bleeding. Both came back negative.

Every month I feel like I go through a grief and loss process when I find out I'm not pregnant. I try and try not to think about falling pregnant but it consumes my thoughts. My husband feels like there is excessive pressure on him, so I try not to talk to him about it all. Family tell me to just relax and let it happen - which is easier said and done. I feel like I have no one to turn to.

I'm driving myself crazy and am really struggling to cope with it all. Every month I perceive normal hormonal fluctuations to be evidence that I am pregnant, just to have my hopes dashed time and time again. I am finding myself resentful of people who are pregnant or have babies because it seems so easy for them to have a family. To make it even more difficult, I just found out my sister-in-law is pregnant. They had major fertility issues as my brother-in-law is in remission from prostrate cancer and underwent chemo. I know I should be happy for them, but I cried when I found out. I thought 'how come even they can fall pregnant?" I feel like a terrible person for thinking this way.

I just needed to get this all out...

 

 

 

 

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Avatar for Cmmelissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 2:45pm
Welcome numb181. I'm sorry that you have been struggling with infertility yourself, and that you suffered a miscarriage. Doesn't that just seem like a slap in the face after finally getting that BFP? (((HUGS)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2012
In reply to: numb181
Thu, 11-22-2012 - 10:27am

Hi Ladies!I completly understandy where you are coming from...I have been TTC for 3 years now and all I want in life is to be a Mother and it just gets harder and harder. I have been through all of the testing as well as my husband, I have pcos and my husband has a "decent" sperm count. We just landed pregnant on our own after trying very expensive injections and clomid for a year in a half, we took some time off from those since nothing was working and by some miracle we ended up pregnant on our own. We were so overjoyed and a week later we lost the baby, it ended up being a tubal pregnancy. My fertility Dr. said he thought their may have been two babies. This has been the hardest thing I have had to deal with in my life and I know what you mean when you say you start to have not so great feelings towards friends and family when they tell you their pregnant, Its not that your not happy for them, you just want to be there with them. Four of my friends have landed pregnant during the time I have TTC. My sister in law  who already has 2 got pregnant with her third while I was TTC and he is now almost 2. One of my good friends had to tell me she was pregnant the week I was going through my miscarriage, it took everything I had not to cry and punch someone or something. I feel for everyone on here.

cestca wrote:
<p>You're right...It is "so hard." I always had empathy for women/couples dealing with infertility but now I empathize on a completely different level. I had no idea how emotionally difficult it is. It really, really is.</p> <p>I started out with so much excitement, then started to get worried and dissapointed, then started taking fertility tests which increased the worry/fear, then felt hopeful each time my tests came back fine, then more worry/dissappointment when we passed the year mark of TTC, then husband gets tested and the results weren't very good....suddenly now this week I am a woman that probably will never get pregnant by my husband without going through IVF &amp; ICSI....breakdown. Why us? My deepest desire is to be a mother...and my husband has already been through so much in his life....why couldn't this have been easy?</p> <p>Nice to know I'm not the only one struggling with all of the ups and downs and breakdowns.</p>

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2012
In reply to: cestca
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 1:48pm

You're right...It is "so hard." I always had empathy for women/couples dealing with infertility but now I empathize on a completely different level. I had no idea how emotionally difficult it is. It really, really is.

I started out with so much excitement, then started to get worried and dissapointed, then started taking fertility tests which increased the worry/fear, then felt hopeful each time my tests came back fine, then more worry/dissappointment when we passed the year mark of TTC, then husband gets tested and the results weren't very good....suddenly now this week I am a woman that probably will never get pregnant by my husband without going through IVF & ICSI....breakdown. Why us? My deepest desire is to be a mother...and my husband has already been through so much in his life....why couldn't this have been easy?

Nice to know I'm not the only one struggling with all of the ups and downs and breakdowns.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2012
Thu, 10-11-2012 - 7:40pm

Since joining this group, posting and getting feedback I have felt better. It is so normalising and validating to hear from others going through the same thing.

It is great to hear people are pro-therapy. As I am a Clinical Psychologist, it has taken me a long time to make the decision to seek my own therapy. A support group is a great idea and I will look around and see if there is anything in my area.

Why does it have to be so hard?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2012
In reply to: cestca
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 10:53pm

The support group is a good idea. I just booked a therapy appointment today with a therapist that has experience with people dealing with infertility. I've never been to a therapist before but I'm very pro-therapy and think that it will help me (and my husband) to deal with this. I feel myself withdrawing...not wanting to talk to friends/family because of how difficult this is right now and, from what I've read, many women do the same when dealing with infertility. So, my hope is that therapy will help me talk about it, learn from it, accept things as they are, and make the best decisions for me/us.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 12:35pm
Hey there! I think all of us, at one time or another, could have written this message. Some of us have had success, and some are still waiting. But we know exactly where you are coming from and dealing with. It's so hard to be struggling with IF when everyone around you seems to be PG. You can turn on the tv or go online with hearing about some celebrity being preggo either. And do not get me started on Facebook, that's the worst!! I'm not sure if you have a RESOLVE meeting anywhere close to you, but I have recently started attending an Infertility Support group at my hospital and it's been quite beneficial. It's only once a month, but I really look forward to going. It's the one place I can go and know that these people "get it". Some of us in the group have been trying for quite some time, and others are just starting out....but everyone understands where you are coming from, and that can be a very comforting thing. I highly recommend it. Good Luck to you, and keep us posted. :smileyhappy:

Jemma (35) and DH, (37). Married October 13, 2007 and TTCing since April 2008. Dealing with PCOS, swollen tubes, and also MFI. Committing myself to getting healthy and losing weight in preparation for IVF later in 2012.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2012
Sat, 10-06-2012 - 8:17pm
You are not alone in this battle. I read your post and have the same problems. We have been TTC for 3 1/2 yrs and I hear the "just relax" comment often and would like to smack the people that say it. I would like for someone to just say "that sucks" so that I could feel some validation, but people who didn't have a hard time getting pregnant don't understand what we go through every day dealing with this. I am going to be 33 soon and after another try or two of IUI, I think we are going to spend the bucks for IVF. It's been a real struggle to determine if fertility treatment is the right thing to do. It's a real mind game to weigh pros and cons every day for years when most people only think about getting pregnant for a couple weeks if at all. I don't have a lot of encouragement for you since I'm struggling myself with what seems like no hope in sight. I wish you luck and suggest you see a reproductive endocrinologist because I found my ob/gyn office to be disappointing because even they didn't know what to do or say. It sucks to go through this and I'm sorry!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2012
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 7:03pm

Cestca, your experience is nearly identical to mine, which is very comforting. It is so nice to have someone understand what you are going through. I really hope that fate smiles upon us and blesses us with a child soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2012
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 12:28pm

I get it.

I've also been trying to get pregnant for over a year and it get's increasingly more difficult emotionally as the months go on. It's impossible to not think about it daily because, as the woman, you're the one that has to pay attention to your body, pee on ovulation tests, take prenatal vitamins, get your period, go to the doctor............... And to make matters worse, when you find out you're not pregnant, you're on your period which means you're more hormonal which makes it even harder. It's like a mean joke that nature is playing on us.

I also think that it's normal to feel lonely in this for the same reason...as the woman, you have to do so many things that the man doesn't have to do. It's also not so emotional for the men so they don't understand what it's like for us. We have to really explain it to them in detail.  Without a detailed explanation, most men don't fully understand why we're so emotional throughout the TTC process.

I have also had friends and family members recently get pregnant within 1-2 months of trying. Although happy for them, my sadness for me overwhelmed me. I had to let myself sob.  It's painful. I think the fear of never being a mother is the underlying feeling that makes the process so difficult.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2012
Thu, 09-27-2012 - 8:00pm

Your support and kind words mean a lot. Thank you,

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