need insight about jealousy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
need insight about jealousy
17
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 1:42am

Hey everyone I need some points of view about something that happened yesterday that made me jealous but I'm not sure if I'm overreacting.

Last Saturday night my hubby went to 10 yr graduation dinner and dancing after. None of the spouses were invited as they wanted to celebrate alone. I also went  out with some friends that night and we both came home very late. He said that he had a good time, that they danced a lot. Last night one of his friends send him photos and on these photos there is my husband dancing with one woman on a chair and they were very close. Here where we live in Italy, when you are celebrating something like this, it is very common for people to get on a chair and sing and dance. But why is this woman on the same chair with my husband? Like there are no other chairs in this bar!

Anyways, I got very jealous and asked him about it right away.He said that he was dancing on the chair and she just came on it but he didn't think it was anything wrong because they were just having fun and he knows her for 20 years. She is also married with a child.

I tried to explain to him that it is one thing to just dance with everyone together or even just dance with his women friends normally but that dancing on a chair like that it's too close for my liking. He then said that he understands that I don't like it but that I should not be jealous so much,

My jealousy does not come from the fact that I think something happened between them but simply that I think it is disrespectful and If I was to do the same thing, I'm sure he wouldn't like it either.

So my questions is, what would you do? Would you be jealous if your husband did the same thing? I know it is not something that I need to dwell on for a long time but it just really made me uncomfortable especially.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 3:23am
If it was a one time thing and your not concerned anything else happened between them, I'd let it go. Maybe she had a bit too much to drink and was just acting stupid and he didn't want to embarrass her by telling her to get off the chair in front of everybody. So unless you think there's more to the story I'd let it go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 11:21am
Yeah I know it is not something to be very angry about. But I just want to know if other people would think this is inappropriate! Do your spouses dance with other people when you are not there? What is the line not to be crosses?

I would never even consider dancing in such mode just out of respect that I have for my husband. The only time I ever danced with another man was with one of his friends and in front of him and definitely not on the same chair together and so close.

I just want to know if other married couples have boundaries when comes to something like this.

Thank you for your replies!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 11:25am

Where I am from in the US it would not be customary to have a reunion event where spouses are excluded--however, for a lot of the reunions I have been too, even married people don't always have their spouses come because if they don't know people, it could be very boring for them.  In that kind of situation I would think if someone was uncomfortable w/ their spouse dancing w/ others when they wouldn't be there, they would come to see what is going on.  But considering you had no problem w/ him going to this reunion w/o you where you knew there would be drinking & dancing, I think the fact that he danced on a chair w/ another woman means nothing & is not in any way disrespectful.  If there was a pic of him kissing another woman on the lips, then I think it would be different--but I wouldn't care about dancing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 11:47am
Thanks for your reply! Yeah I absolutely had no problem with him going to the reunion alone but I def did not expect to see a photo like that. I might just be too sensitive and that's why I'm trying to figure out if other people have boundaries about this.
Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 4:05pm
I'm from the U.S. and we are considered pretty conservative by many others countries standards in many areas. For me personally , I would not see it as a big deal and not really disrespectful. I am not sure of customs there in Italy and I don't know your husbands or his female friends nationality but I could see behavior like that even being fairly common in some other countries where people tend to be more touchy-feely. Latin countries especially, Spain, Italy, etc.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 4:05pm
I think you got it wrong, I said that I know nothing happened between them so I'm not making it sound like they had sex. I just said that it made me uncomfortable to see another women that close to him. But you are right on the other thing, thought about it a lot today, and it really comes down to the fact that I'm too sensitive. There is nothing wrong with what he did, I just don't understand why I don't like it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 5:04pm
Probably just because you weren't there. Has he ever given you a reason to mistrust him in the past or tends to be flirtatious with other women? Really, it would only bother me if It was suggesstive dancing or my H had a history of inappropriate behavior with other women.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 6:43pm

>>There is nothing wrong with what he did, I just don't understand why I don't like it.<<

I had a similar conversation with one of my friends recently.   My hubby did something which wasn't wrong, but I didn't like it anyway.  I didn't anything to him, but I was still bothered inside.

I was terribly frustrated with myself for not being rational and I shared these feelings with my friend.   She said that I'm just human.  And that humans have flaws and that it's OK.   

I think that if we recognise that we're being irrational about a topic but have enough good sense to keep it to ourselves, then it's OK.   

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Thu, 09-27-2012 - 4:04am

No, he has never done anything inappropriate that would make me not trust him. BUT (this is a very big but) other women have tried with him even though they kno w he is married. He is a very good looking man and very outgoing. I have seen numerous women trying to flirt with him and trying to make me jealous. He has never given them a reason to think that they have a chance, at least not in front of me. And lot of times he is just clueless and does not realizes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Thu, 09-27-2012 - 4:08am

Yeah I know what you mean because sometimes even I don't understand me sometimes and why I let such small things affect me. Anyways, here is a guy who I know loves me, he tells me numerous times a day, he barely goes out without me, we always do things together but regardless sometimes insecurities find their way in.

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