standing up for myself/am i crazy for wanting more communication

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Registered: 12-31-1969
standing up for myself/am i crazy for wanting more communication
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Wed, 09-26-2012 - 5:43am

Two and a half weeks with no word from AP. Just a de-briefer on my stituation: we were together physically, now it's long distance. He spent the summer in another country with his live-in gf, got back about a month ago, and last month we had a pretty decent convo about potentially making plans for him to stay in the states next summer instead of going to another country with his gf. Our primary method of communication is e-mail, no text or phone. We used to text a lot, but he had a 'close call' and so no more texting after that. His favorite way to talk is online-chats where the chat can't be documented, and he's definitely VERY paranoid about his e-mail, seeing as he will suggest we chat instead but he's not really online much, so that doesn't work. Affair has been going on over 6 months, we were friends/co-workers for several years first. He dropped hints in the last e-mail he sent me of us 'living' together (we have kind of an inside joke/secret code for this) but I'm kind of at the point where I'm tired of being inside-jokey, I want a real conversation.

So my question is when is it time to have 'the talk?' or some kind of 'talk' about expectations? If he is paranoid about using e-mail, should I be forward and suggest a secret e-mail account or talking via phone. I know that if this is where we are at after 6 months things are not looking good, and he is very, very paranoid about his gf finding out, and according to his own words he hates breaking up with people/has a hard time doing it even when the relationship is over. But it's like come on, you've already hurt her enough without her knowing it do you really think you can keep this under wraps? He's definitely a big-time coward, I won't deny that. Also, I think the discussion we had made him realize: I am fairly serious about leaving my H, I am fairly serious about wanting him to leave his gf, and now he has to step up to the game, and I understand that convo was only a month ago and he needs time to think and that he's definitely going to live with his gf until the summer, but also, did he not realize this dilemma would come up sooner rather than later?

Anyway, I know the harsh truth is that he still likely can't decide whether to break up with the live-in gf or not, and they are on the same lease together and he finishes school this summer, so he's the type to consider them more as roommates with benefits (ugh) and not move out if he's moving in the summer anyway and in the meantime try to make sure she NEVER finds out about this.  But is it wrong to after over 6 months expect more than half-ass communication? Since our affair has a deadline of the spring anyway, I am willing to put up with some crap for a while. But I am normally a focused, driven person and I HATE that I get this paranoid about no contact, because I think what I'm really paranoid about is that if he does dump me, he won't have the balls to actually come out and say it. I'm also the kind of person that's a decent friend, too, and we were friends first, so even as a friend I'd check in after that time, and if I don't hear by this Friday I will send an e-mail, and he'll either respond promptly and I'll be back to square one, or he'll ignore it and I'll know more. I think to some extent, he's also trying to keep me at arm's length b/c he doesn't want to get caught but also doesn't want to get closer to me in the interim, as a way of protecting his own feelings, I guess. I don't expect e-mails every day, but at the same time after 6 months two weeks with NC is pretty lame.

I guess the truth is that I don't like being insecure about our relationship to the point where once we hit the two week mark of no-contact, I'm worried I've been dumped, because it isn't like me to get insecure like this, and I feel very reactionary and clingy but I am a very open communicator/no BS kind of person...if I say it I mean it, and if I'm someone's friend or gf I love seeing what they are up to and making sure they are doing okay! So clearly on just a personality level we have differences in how we see communication, which could be a problem.

What helps me is that I've been drafting an e-mail that tells him off should he dump me by ignoring me (the least he can do is say I can't do this anymore or something) b/c I will not let him have the 'last word.' I understand he's just scared/overwhelmed, but if he's having major doubts, the least he could do is tell me. I'd be kind/understanding, but if he dumps me via the ignore tactic, I will tell him off. I know for a fact he is a very scared person...scared of his gf finding out, scared of hurting me, scared of admitting how he feels about me, etc. etc. but I am getting tired of it sometimes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007

((collect))  First of all, be very proud of yourself for holding yourself together through 2 weeks of NC!!  I know it has to be driving you crazy.

xAP had a separate email account for us to communicate.  I seldom called or sent texts in the evening because his SO had checked his phone a few times, but during the day it wasn't a problem.  Why can't he communicate with you when he's at work?

I'll be honest, 2 weeks of NC doesn't look good.  But there's absolutely no way to know what's happening with him or what he's thinking.  It's really hard to determine the line between giving him space & getting ticked off when he's not communicating anything with you.  Lack of communication and being wishy-washy are some pretty major things to have to deal with in a R.  Since you were friends first, too, you have every right to contact him and ask what's up.  But if you're not wanting him to 'have the last word' and are writing him to tell him off, it sounds like you maybe don't need to wait on him for an answer. 

Trust me, it's no way to live to walk around in defensive mode all the time.  And if you're worried he would end it & not even tell you, even if he contacts you now and things get better, how do you work that out so it's not always in the back of your mind?  I'm struggling with that myself after how xAP ended it

I wish I had some good advice.  I know you're hurting, and I'll be thinking of you.

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007

Wow...two and a half weeks!  I give you major kudos!!!  You are stuck in a passive position right now.  His paranoia has become your paranoia with emails.  The sitting around and waiting for him can only last so long, and then that "telling him off" email looks more and more attractive.  I would say, don't do anything rash.  But I agree that this long with no contact is not a good sign.

When to have the talk about expectations?  Whenever you want!!!  You deserve to be happy and want answers.  Could you at least send an email and say, "What's up?"  There are two people in an R and you are just as important as the other.

We are here whenever you need us!!!  Keep your head up and keep busy.  lol

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Hi Collect, just wanted to confirm what exactly you want with from your AP? You want to leave your marriage & be with him? Are you in the process of a divorce? Does he want to leave his GF and be with you? I understand he doesn't want to be the "bad guy" but it seems like you both have to be clear on what you want and what steps you will take to get there. He's been NC for 2 weeks so that in itself says alot. He's maintaining distance from you and the situation. If you get in contact with him put all your cards on the table and hopefully he does the same & from there you make the necessary steps and move on.
I'm sorry for the conflict your going through. I know its difficult not knowing where you stand. I wish you all the best.

 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007

Is there a part of you that doesn't want to know, or what's holding you back from contacting him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007

Wow, you're as bad as me!  :smileywink:  You're putting an awful lot of pressure on a simple 'hey what's up'? email.  Asking him if everything's ok with him - I mean, you'd ask a friend that if you hadn't heard from them in that long, so you certainly should be able to ask someone you've talked about a future with.  You have to do what feels right to you - I'm not trying to sway you one way or the other; there may be a very good underlying reason as to why you haven't.  I just was thinking about it today, and was wondering if you are having cold feet or aren't completely comfortable with this man. 

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Collect ~ being passive makes you feel stuck. You are fighting to be proactive. Keep ip what you are doing. It gets easier. Do for yourself.
Sure it isn't the same ap? Lol.
Speaking of lack of communication, I haven't heard from mine since I initiated on monday. Oh well. I have enough to keep me busy. Lol.
Thank you! I am here for support.

 

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Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Hey, I get worked up over.a hi text. Lol
I am passive and impatient and it sucks. I send something then get ticked when he isn't more responsive. Them I get upset because I forced it. It's a viscous cycle.

 

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Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
I am going to google that too. :smileyhappy:

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007

Knowing you have to stay until winter could be a good goal for you to use in taking time to make yourself stronger.  Being in an abusive situation of any kind is so hard to come out of.  You seem so ready for change & that's 1/2 the battle!  I don't know how big of a city you live in, but there are a lot of things you can do for free to empower yourself.  Volunteer, get more physically active, join a book club, etc.  One of my favorite sites is meetup - you can find groups for just about any activity you enjoy.  There are also therapy groups that meet for free, you just have to do a little digging to find them. 

Thought I'd share this link - it's an online support group for the book you mentioned.  http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/women-who-love-too-much

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007

Whenever I concentrate on me, on what I want and how I feel, I start feeling better.


I'm going to write this down & hang it by my desk.  So simple, and yet sooo easily to forget!

I'm not sure I know any of those women in good relationships, though!?!?  I can visualize what a healthy relationship looks like to me, but I wonder if I'm naive in believing it exists in real life.  Everyone seems so unhappy and/or wanting more all the time.  Sad.