standing up for myself/am i crazy for wanting more communication
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|Wed, 09-26-2012 - 5:43am|
Two and a half weeks with no word from AP. Just a de-briefer on my stituation: we were together physically, now it's long distance. He spent the summer in another country with his live-in gf, got back about a month ago, and last month we had a pretty decent convo about potentially making plans for him to stay in the states next summer instead of going to another country with his gf. Our primary method of communication is e-mail, no text or phone. We used to text a lot, but he had a 'close call' and so no more texting after that. His favorite way to talk is online-chats where the chat can't be documented, and he's definitely VERY paranoid about his e-mail, seeing as he will suggest we chat instead but he's not really online much, so that doesn't work. Affair has been going on over 6 months, we were friends/co-workers for several years first. He dropped hints in the last e-mail he sent me of us 'living' together (we have kind of an inside joke/secret code for this) but I'm kind of at the point where I'm tired of being inside-jokey, I want a real conversation.
So my question is when is it time to have 'the talk?' or some kind of 'talk' about expectations? If he is paranoid about using e-mail, should I be forward and suggest a secret e-mail account or talking via phone. I know that if this is where we are at after 6 months things are not looking good, and he is very, very paranoid about his gf finding out, and according to his own words he hates breaking up with people/has a hard time doing it even when the relationship is over. But it's like come on, you've already hurt her enough without her knowing it do you really think you can keep this under wraps? He's definitely a big-time coward, I won't deny that. Also, I think the discussion we had made him realize: I am fairly serious about leaving my H, I am fairly serious about wanting him to leave his gf, and now he has to step up to the game, and I understand that convo was only a month ago and he needs time to think and that he's definitely going to live with his gf until the summer, but also, did he not realize this dilemma would come up sooner rather than later?
Anyway, I know the harsh truth is that he still likely can't decide whether to break up with the live-in gf or not, and they are on the same lease together and he finishes school this summer, so he's the type to consider them more as roommates with benefits (ugh) and not move out if he's moving in the summer anyway and in the meantime try to make sure she NEVER finds out about this. But is it wrong to after over 6 months expect more than half-ass communication? Since our affair has a deadline of the spring anyway, I am willing to put up with some crap for a while. But I am normally a focused, driven person and I HATE that I get this paranoid about no contact, because I think what I'm really paranoid about is that if he does dump me, he won't have the balls to actually come out and say it. I'm also the kind of person that's a decent friend, too, and we were friends first, so even as a friend I'd check in after that time, and if I don't hear by this Friday I will send an e-mail, and he'll either respond promptly and I'll be back to square one, or he'll ignore it and I'll know more. I think to some extent, he's also trying to keep me at arm's length b/c he doesn't want to get caught but also doesn't want to get closer to me in the interim, as a way of protecting his own feelings, I guess. I don't expect e-mails every day, but at the same time after 6 months two weeks with NC is pretty lame.
I guess the truth is that I don't like being insecure about our relationship to the point where once we hit the two week mark of no-contact, I'm worried I've been dumped, because it isn't like me to get insecure like this, and I feel very reactionary and clingy but I am a very open communicator/no BS kind of person...if I say it I mean it, and if I'm someone's friend or gf I love seeing what they are up to and making sure they are doing okay! So clearly on just a personality level we have differences in how we see communication, which could be a problem.
What helps me is that I've been drafting an e-mail that tells him off should he dump me by ignoring me (the least he can do is say I can't do this anymore or something) b/c I will not let him have the 'last word.' I understand he's just scared/overwhelmed, but if he's having major doubts, the least he could do is tell me. I'd be kind/understanding, but if he dumps me via the ignore tactic, I will tell him off. I know for a fact he is a very scared person...scared of his gf finding out, scared of hurting me, scared of admitting how he feels about me, etc. etc. but I am getting tired of it sometimes.