Not sure if justified or just big baby.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Not sure if justified or just big baby.....
69
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 9:57am

I’m not sure if my DH is justified or is being a big baby.  Frequently my meter on this is broken.  I need some HLs to weigh in here and let me know.   Also not sure how to proceed.  Here’s the gist of things.  As of today my hysterectomy was 8 weeks ago.  At my doctor’s appointment 2 weeks ago, she said I had to wait 8 weeks from my surgery date. 

DH has been great in regards to sex during my recovery time.  As a matter of fact we stopped having sex a week or two prior to my surgery, at his suggestion that we should “just wait until after when we can be sure it’s not causing you any pain.”  I have offered/given him HJs and BJs in the interim (probably about 8 total, I’m guessing because as you all know I don’t keep score.)   I did suggest sex a few weeks ago, he said “let’s do what the doctor says down to the letter and not take any chances”  However, last night at 10:30 (30 mins after my usual bedtime) he comes to bed and starts groping on me.  He did this in the middle of the night when he came to bed the night before as well.  I gave him a HJ so he would go to sleep and leave me be.  However last night he apparently expected to have sex.  Uh, I was not mentally “prepared” to have sex last night.  I presumed that we would have sex tonight, and was okay with that idea.  I’m not sure if he miscalculated or what, he was trying to get me to do math at 11:15 at night, and I was getting mad.  I said “I’m not going to do the math now.  I figured our date was either tomorrow or the next week (I wasn’t sure about the date at that time) but can look at a calendar and count Wednesdays in the morning.)  He started up with math again.  So I got up (I was pissed and he knew it at this point) and did the counting.  Leaving me with the result I thought I’d get, that we are good to go as of today.  He said something about midnight, and I said “I suppose at 12:01 when it is technically Wednesday if that is what you are getting at.”  It was evident I wasn’t feeling that idea, and he got mad.  He made several comments about me not caring, and said he could sleep in the other room (blah blah blah his usual.)  He got out of bed and said he would let me sleep since that is obviously my first priority.  I said “apparently it’s not and it definitely isn’t a priority to you. “

He stayed up until about 3:30 am and I slept as best I could.  Now, I’ve been having a hard time getting back on my normal schedule after having been off work for 6 weeks.  I overslept yesterday and would not have woken up if hadn’t by some miracle awakened me.  I am concerned about getting back on schedule, and it is true I have a high priority for sleep.  But if he expected to have sex, could he not have talked about it earlier?  WTF?  Am I totally wrong in some way here?  I know it has been a long time.  I know he has been good about it.  I want to acknowledge that and it give it the credit it deserves, but what is up with this crap? 

My current going forward plan is to act as if nothing happened and attempt to have sex tonight.  Any thoughts on that?  Should I be apologizing for something?  If so, what? 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 10:22am

<< But if he expected to have sex, could he not have talked about it earlier? >>

I think this depends on the dynamics of your relationship. I imagine that some couples discuss plans to have sex in advance, while others prefer to just do it when the spirit moves, without having to go through a verbal preamble.

It might be a nice gesture for you to verbally acknowledge, and express your gratitude for, his patience during the 8-week period.

JMHO  Freelance

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 11:07am

There is some definite miscommunication going on, not surprisingly, on both your parts.  I can sympathize with both of you, but I also know exactly how he feels because I've been in his shoes to some degree.  After a forced dry spell where I have been exceptionally patient, it does bother me when my DW is not more enthusiastic about resuming sexual actitivity.  To me, showing more willingness is a show of gratitude for being patient during the dry spell and an acknowledgement that she cares about my needs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 11:33am

I think I would characterize myself as a "middle" libido person--when I was married, I wouldn't either need it every night or on the other extreme of LL either.  I do have to say that when I was married to 1st DH, there was an issue w/ me not wanting sex as much as he did and I don't know whether it was psychological or what.  W/ 2nd DH my sex life improved a lot and I don't know exactly why, but that's not the point for this reply.  If I were in your DH's shoes, I'd have the reaction that you just look at sex w/ him as a chore to be endured, and that you were really hoping that the 8 wks were over so you wouldn't have to have sex w/ him yet.  I'm sure when the dr. says 8 wks, he really doesn't mean that if you have sex on the 6th day of the 7th week that something terrible will happen.  On the other hand, I also love sleep and sometimes it takes me a while to fall asleep, so if I'm already drifting off, I probably wouldn't want to be awakend for sex--I'd be thinking, why didn't we start earlier.

I would like to know the dynamics of your situation before the surgery.  What does your DH do when he wants sex?  Does he actually tell you or does he just start kissing or touching you?  I'd say that most people don't announce it unless maybe they aren't in bed at the time and might say something like "do you want to go upstairs now?"  I think you should apologize for last night and tell him that you'd like to make it up to him tonight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 12:04pm

Personally, I would have not only communicated the date and aprox. time to resume sex, but would have made it ceremonial.

Dinner out, walk on the beach, candles, music, foreplay, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 12:05pm
FLM, yes, this is yet another fundamental difference between DH and I. I would prefer some advance "warning" and he will accept nothing but complete spontaniety (unless it is sex every night without fail, which certainly lacks any surprise factor.)

I have acknowledged how great I think he's been during this time. I'll do it again I guess. I know he is the type that needs a LOT of encouragement, reinforcement and appreciation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 12:08pm
Magnaniman, why is it not surprising? Because of the length of time, or because you "know us" from all my past posting? lol. I have shown appreciation of his patience. I just was taking him at his earlier word that we would comply with the doctor to the letter of her ruling. So I wasn't expecting to have sex yet. And of course we have the age old problem (for he and I) of sex vs sleep.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 12:10pm
Musiclover, the dynamic before the surgery is that he would come to bed after I'd been soundly asleep for an hour or two or more, and begin groping me and expect to have sex. I've talked to him about this approach and it yields nothing but a fight.

I will consider apologizing, but I just don't FEEL like I'm totally in the wrong here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 12:12pm
Glenn, now see THAT'S what I'm talkin about. If he was going to make a big deal out of it, then why wait till I"m almost asleep and start a fight? Why not bring home delicious take out and a bottle of wine and some flowers that say "can't wait another minute to sex you up"

Sigh. And yet, it appears I should be the one to apologize.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 12:28pm

... why wait till I"m almost asleep and start a fight? Old habits die hard. I'm sure if you were able to read his mind, it would go something like this...

"I've been so good for all of these weeks and as a result, SHE should have planned the day and time for us to resume sex and communicated it to me. Therefore, she needs to be punished for failing to meet my (unspoken) expectations."

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 12:52pm

"I've been so good for all of these weeks and as a result, SHE should have planned the day and time for us to resume sex and communicated it to me. Therefore, she needs to be punished for failing to meet my (unspoken) expectations."

YES!  I have been guilty of that sort of thinking in the recent past.  Miranda, this situation is definitely a case of shared fault but, given what I know about your DH from your postings, you are probably going to have to be the one to apologize.  As Dr. Phil might say, you are going to have to be the hero here if you care more about your RL than your pride/ego.

My DW and I have gotten to a point in our RL where I recognize that there are some situations where neither one of us is at fault except for failure to communicate more directly and clearly with one another.  The disappointment of unmet espectations still sucks but we're both learning how to handle that hurt more constructively.

As I mentioned above, be the hero but also use this as an opportunity to figure out better ways to deal with the underlying problem which has everything to do with failure to communicate expectations.

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