Not sure if justified or just big baby.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Not sure if justified or just big baby.....
69
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 9:57am

I’m not sure if my DH is justified or is being a big baby.  Frequently my meter on this is broken.  I need some HLs to weigh in here and let me know.   Also not sure how to proceed.  Here’s the gist of things.  As of today my hysterectomy was 8 weeks ago.  At my doctor’s appointment 2 weeks ago, she said I had to wait 8 weeks from my surgery date. 

DH has been great in regards to sex during my recovery time.  As a matter of fact we stopped having sex a week or two prior to my surgery, at his suggestion that we should “just wait until after when we can be sure it’s not causing you any pain.”  I have offered/given him HJs and BJs in the interim (probably about 8 total, I’m guessing because as you all know I don’t keep score.)   I did suggest sex a few weeks ago, he said “let’s do what the doctor says down to the letter and not take any chances”  However, last night at 10:30 (30 mins after my usual bedtime) he comes to bed and starts groping on me.  He did this in the middle of the night when he came to bed the night before as well.  I gave him a HJ so he would go to sleep and leave me be.  However last night he apparently expected to have sex.  Uh, I was not mentally “prepared” to have sex last night.  I presumed that we would have sex tonight, and was okay with that idea.  I’m not sure if he miscalculated or what, he was trying to get me to do math at 11:15 at night, and I was getting mad.  I said “I’m not going to do the math now.  I figured our date was either tomorrow or the next week (I wasn’t sure about the date at that time) but can look at a calendar and count Wednesdays in the morning.)  He started up with math again.  So I got up (I was pissed and he knew it at this point) and did the counting.  Leaving me with the result I thought I’d get, that we are good to go as of today.  He said something about midnight, and I said “I suppose at 12:01 when it is technically Wednesday if that is what you are getting at.”  It was evident I wasn’t feeling that idea, and he got mad.  He made several comments about me not caring, and said he could sleep in the other room (blah blah blah his usual.)  He got out of bed and said he would let me sleep since that is obviously my first priority.  I said “apparently it’s not and it definitely isn’t a priority to you. “

He stayed up until about 3:30 am and I slept as best I could.  Now, I’ve been having a hard time getting back on my normal schedule after having been off work for 6 weeks.  I overslept yesterday and would not have woken up if hadn’t by some miracle awakened me.  I am concerned about getting back on schedule, and it is true I have a high priority for sleep.  But if he expected to have sex, could he not have talked about it earlier?  WTF?  Am I totally wrong in some way here?  I know it has been a long time.  I know he has been good about it.  I want to acknowledge that and it give it the credit it deserves, but what is up with this crap? 

My current going forward plan is to act as if nothing happened and attempt to have sex tonight.  Any thoughts on that?  Should I be apologizing for something?  If so, what? 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 5:21am

*It can also happen that terminal ML happens when the relentless pressure, badgering and guilt mongering of the HL has robbed sex of any kind of positive association for the LL and has instead made it an issue riddled self loathing fest.  Thus leading the LL to never wanting sex again.*

 

I think you just described your own situation precisely.

WHY on earth did you marry him?


Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Fri, 10-05-2012 - 1:14pm
Mol, completely agree about where the answer lies.

But as well all know, I am never going to grasp the nettle, because I am unwilling to answer the call of what would be required from me in return for asking her for what I need. I am as terrified of going outside my comfort zone as is Mrs. Hold. Doesn't matter how cold and prickly things are here, I am convinced that out there, they are worse.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Fri, 10-05-2012 - 1:11pm
Magnaniman. I felt the same about shadow. If you really enjoyed ender then you would probably like songmaster as well
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Fri, 10-05-2012 - 1:03pm

grasping the nettle

Totally OT but I came across that phrase for the first time just this week while reading Orson Scott Card's Shadow of the Hegemon (which I did not enjoy nearly as much as some of his other works -- Ender's Game, in particular).

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Fri, 10-05-2012 - 10:08am
Sorry if my last post came across as snide. After all these years, I should have realized you were honestly curious about the negatives to masturbation, since masturbation is such a useful mechanism for you to address your physical needs. Let me see if I can explain why masturbation is such a negative to me, and this is a crucial point, AFTER THE ML HAS CONTINUED TO THE POINT WHERE I AM SIGNIFICANTLY UNHAPPY.

As I said earlier, masturbation is fine and dandy when our sex life is otherwise going well. Masturbation is fine and dandy to deal with horniness during AUnti Flo week. Or when Mrs. Hold spends a weekend visiting her mother.

When masturbation becomes a burden is when it is week 3 without sex and it is the 10th time I have masturbated since the last time we had sex. At that point, I am angry. Angry at myself for being horny AGAIN. Angry at my wife for not being available AGAIN. Angry at myself for STILL not divorcing her despite years of living through ML. Angry. Angry. Angry.

At that point, masturbation is not a satifying relief from physical need. It is a slap in the face. A physical reminder of all that I am NOT getting out of my marriage.

It is like LLs being asked to have unwanted sex. Even if it is not physically uncomfortable, the tape running through the LL's mind in many cases makes it psychologically excruciating. That is what it is like for me to masturbate during periods of extreme mismatch. As if I am not good enough. As if I am being punished. As if I am unloveable. As if my thoughts and feelings and mental experiences don't matter. As if all that matters is what SHE wants.

Does that help explain why masturbation stops helping and even begins to hurt after the ML has gone on "too long"?

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 6:57pm
<<Would it really help for someone to ask you WHY you enjoy intellectually stimulating conversation? >>

Well, Mol's post was precisely about explaining WHY masturbation was different from sex for him. The statement "I did not get married so I could masturbate" did not move the explanation forward. That's all I was saying.

F.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 5:58pm

It can also happen that terminal ML happens when the relentless pressure, badgering and guilt mongering of the HL has robbed sex of any kind of positive association for the LL and has instead made it an issue riddled self loathing fest.  Thus leading the LL to never wanting sex again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2009
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 3:21pm
>>>>> your statement "I did not get married so I could masturbate" is a bit of a circular argument, because it doesn't explain why masturbation is unsatisfying to begin with. <<<<<

Nto intending to be snide, but this is like asking "why don't you like chocolate ice cream, and why do you have such a strong preference for vanilla?" For some of us, sex is satifying in a way that masturbation simply is not. Trust me, I WISH that masturbation were satisfying in the way that sex is. I have masturbated over 7000 times and probably not had sex 500 times in my life. If I could find a way to have masturbation be as satisfying to me as sex, I would be a MUCH happier camper!

Am I correct that you enjoy conversation? Suppose your husband kept telling you to be quiet and listen to talking heads on tv instead of trying to talk to him. You might be tempted to say "I did not get married to talk to myself or watch people talk on tv, I got married to have someone I could have conversations with". Would it really help for someone to ask you WHY you enjoy intellectually stimulating conversation? Or what you find stimulating about conversation? Or why listening to the radio is not the same thing (assuming it isn't)?

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 1:34pm
Thanks for your explanation. Most of it makes sense to me, though your statement "I did not get married so I could masturbate" is a bit of a circular argument, because it doesn't explain why masturbation is unsatisfying to begin with.

<<I understood from what you've said that the decoupling is straightforward for you, yes?>>

More than straightforward. Although I wish it were different, the reality is that masturbation has always been better than sex for me, because it gives me the orgasm without the hard work and self-doubt. I derive no SEXUAL enjoyment from arousing a partner. It's just how I'm wired.

I do enjoy physical touch. My DH and I cuddle (and even play with each other's private parts) virtually every night. And as I've said on numerous occasions, I've never refused him. These days we hardly have any full-blown sex at all, because of his medical issues and medications, but I honestly think we're as close as ever.

F.

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