Not sure if justified or just big baby.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Not sure if justified or just big baby.....
69
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 9:57am

I’m not sure if my DH is justified or is being a big baby.  Frequently my meter on this is broken.  I need some HLs to weigh in here and let me know.   Also not sure how to proceed.  Here’s the gist of things.  As of today my hysterectomy was 8 weeks ago.  At my doctor’s appointment 2 weeks ago, she said I had to wait 8 weeks from my surgery date. 

DH has been great in regards to sex during my recovery time.  As a matter of fact we stopped having sex a week or two prior to my surgery, at his suggestion that we should “just wait until after when we can be sure it’s not causing you any pain.”  I have offered/given him HJs and BJs in the interim (probably about 8 total, I’m guessing because as you all know I don’t keep score.)   I did suggest sex a few weeks ago, he said “let’s do what the doctor says down to the letter and not take any chances”  However, last night at 10:30 (30 mins after my usual bedtime) he comes to bed and starts groping on me.  He did this in the middle of the night when he came to bed the night before as well.  I gave him a HJ so he would go to sleep and leave me be.  However last night he apparently expected to have sex.  Uh, I was not mentally “prepared” to have sex last night.  I presumed that we would have sex tonight, and was okay with that idea.  I’m not sure if he miscalculated or what, he was trying to get me to do math at 11:15 at night, and I was getting mad.  I said “I’m not going to do the math now.  I figured our date was either tomorrow or the next week (I wasn’t sure about the date at that time) but can look at a calendar and count Wednesdays in the morning.)  He started up with math again.  So I got up (I was pissed and he knew it at this point) and did the counting.  Leaving me with the result I thought I’d get, that we are good to go as of today.  He said something about midnight, and I said “I suppose at 12:01 when it is technically Wednesday if that is what you are getting at.”  It was evident I wasn’t feeling that idea, and he got mad.  He made several comments about me not caring, and said he could sleep in the other room (blah blah blah his usual.)  He got out of bed and said he would let me sleep since that is obviously my first priority.  I said “apparently it’s not and it definitely isn’t a priority to you. “

He stayed up until about 3:30 am and I slept as best I could.  Now, I’ve been having a hard time getting back on my normal schedule after having been off work for 6 weeks.  I overslept yesterday and would not have woken up if hadn’t by some miracle awakened me.  I am concerned about getting back on schedule, and it is true I have a high priority for sleep.  But if he expected to have sex, could he not have talked about it earlier?  WTF?  Am I totally wrong in some way here?  I know it has been a long time.  I know he has been good about it.  I want to acknowledge that and it give it the credit it deserves, but what is up with this crap? 

My current going forward plan is to act as if nothing happened and attempt to have sex tonight.  Any thoughts on that?  Should I be apologizing for something?  If so, what? 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 12:54pm

And yet, it appears I should be the one to apologize. More than that, I think you both need to agree to start communicating with each other in a healthy manner. Share your desires and the level of them. Whims? Hopes? Expectations?

If you can come to agreement, revel in your unity and if not, don't allow either party to belabor the point.

I wanted my woman to sleep in my bed when she visited last weekend and let her know it was only a hope and not an expectation. She suspected it was an expectation and I tired of reassuring her it wasn't so I finally told her that I didn't want to hear anymore about it. Either she did or she didn't when the time came and I would not hold any decision against her. The end result was that she was more attracted to me and more motivated to slip into my room to spend the night for her sake, not just mine alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 1:26pm
The jist of the matter is this, he wanted you to feel as impatient to restart the sex life as he was. You just had a wedding and all of the romatic ambience involved, he's feeling extra frisky. He sees your reaction to his "countdown" as being hesitant and thinks that you are looking at him as a chore. Even though you have been gratious and loving towards him.

Miranda, you had your well deserved time off, now back to the grind as far as he is concerned (pun intended).
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 2:01pm
I guess you all sort of confirmed what I already knew. This was a shared fault situation, but I've got to be the adult who steps up to the plate. I bought flowers and a carrot cake. I'm warming up my "I'm sorry" maker. It is not as if I am not interested in "getting back on the horse" I am, in a sort of abstract way. I've masturbated twice in the last week, just to see if that part still works ok (it does, for those of you who want to know.) I just wasn't thinking right last night. And as a result now he's pissed. I know this for certain because I always call him at lunch, and he didn't even answer the call. Nor has he called me back almost 1 1/2 hours later.

My night is going to be fu-un! And when I am not sexually responsive enough, we'll be right back to square one again, right folks?

F my life. Positive mental attitude pursuit begins now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 2:26pm
Well, if you think yours is going to be bad, my weekend was the typical ML weekend from hell. The old dance, he initiated, I refused, we got into a "discussion". I won't take over your thread, I will elaborate in my own entitled "HLs don't always want the truth".
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2005
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 2:31pm

I will elaborate in my own entitled "HLs don't always want the truth".

Looking forward to this one...I believe that NO one wants the truth. We have eveolved to reward mutual deceit. Unfortunately, nature favors those who lie the best.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 5:29pm
headed home to deal with whatever may come. Positive attitude still eluding capture. How in the world is someone supposed to feel like having sex when they know their partner is mad at the and expects an apology that actually isn't even warranted?

F my life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 6:55pm
Why isn't this a surprise with your relationship's past history? I'm rather surprised you married him. Do you still have an open relationship? Let him find sex somewhere else. You're still in the same boat. He will never change.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 7:45pm

I agree with you there--if you have spoken to him about not wanting to be awakend from sleep to have sex and then he complains that he doesn't have enough sex with you, then he is part of the problem--there's no reason that he couldn';t initiate earlier and then if he's not tired, he doesn't have to go to sleep then.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 09-27-2012 - 12:24pm

great response and will add def. of Insanity.. Doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting different results..

The End

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 11:35am
So how did it go last week? Enquiring minds who were out of the country and did not log in want to know.

And yes, I sympathize with both of you. Stinks to realize you want to stay married for life but you do not expect to ever resolve the ML situation.

When you see it coming, duck!

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