Not sure if justified or just big baby.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Not sure if justified or just big baby.....
69
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 9:57am

I’m not sure if my DH is justified or is being a big baby.  Frequently my meter on this is broken.  I need some HLs to weigh in here and let me know.   Also not sure how to proceed.  Here’s the gist of things.  As of today my hysterectomy was 8 weeks ago.  At my doctor’s appointment 2 weeks ago, she said I had to wait 8 weeks from my surgery date. 

DH has been great in regards to sex during my recovery time.  As a matter of fact we stopped having sex a week or two prior to my surgery, at his suggestion that we should “just wait until after when we can be sure it’s not causing you any pain.”  I have offered/given him HJs and BJs in the interim (probably about 8 total, I’m guessing because as you all know I don’t keep score.)   I did suggest sex a few weeks ago, he said “let’s do what the doctor says down to the letter and not take any chances”  However, last night at 10:30 (30 mins after my usual bedtime) he comes to bed and starts groping on me.  He did this in the middle of the night when he came to bed the night before as well.  I gave him a HJ so he would go to sleep and leave me be.  However last night he apparently expected to have sex.  Uh, I was not mentally “prepared” to have sex last night.  I presumed that we would have sex tonight, and was okay with that idea.  I’m not sure if he miscalculated or what, he was trying to get me to do math at 11:15 at night, and I was getting mad.  I said “I’m not going to do the math now.  I figured our date was either tomorrow or the next week (I wasn’t sure about the date at that time) but can look at a calendar and count Wednesdays in the morning.)  He started up with math again.  So I got up (I was pissed and he knew it at this point) and did the counting.  Leaving me with the result I thought I’d get, that we are good to go as of today.  He said something about midnight, and I said “I suppose at 12:01 when it is technically Wednesday if that is what you are getting at.”  It was evident I wasn’t feeling that idea, and he got mad.  He made several comments about me not caring, and said he could sleep in the other room (blah blah blah his usual.)  He got out of bed and said he would let me sleep since that is obviously my first priority.  I said “apparently it’s not and it definitely isn’t a priority to you. “

He stayed up until about 3:30 am and I slept as best I could.  Now, I’ve been having a hard time getting back on my normal schedule after having been off work for 6 weeks.  I overslept yesterday and would not have woken up if hadn’t by some miracle awakened me.  I am concerned about getting back on schedule, and it is true I have a high priority for sleep.  But if he expected to have sex, could he not have talked about it earlier?  WTF?  Am I totally wrong in some way here?  I know it has been a long time.  I know he has been good about it.  I want to acknowledge that and it give it the credit it deserves, but what is up with this crap? 

My current going forward plan is to act as if nothing happened and attempt to have sex tonight.  Any thoughts on that?  Should I be apologizing for something?  If so, what? 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 11:42am
Thanks for your support Hold. I did suck it up and apologize, but it was a vague, "I'm sorry about last night" apology. It worked, and we're back on the horse. He seems to be going for about every other night, and I've been accomodating. Actually at one point I was almost enjoying it one night, so it may be that I find sex more enjoyable now that the pressure of all the fibroids are gone. It certainly is less uncomfortable in that way although the long period of no sex has brought some "out of practice" discomfort that women here may understand. I think once that passes I might recover some enjoyment that has been long lacking. As to my level of libido though, it remains about the same.

I don't think it "stinks" to want to stay married for life in spite of the ML. I think the ML stinks, but it is not a dealbreaker for either of us, obviously. I think the larger problem is my inabililty to "wash away" his disappointment and displeasure. He got over it quite easily, and I think I made it into more than it had to be (as I often do.) But that is just a fundamental part of who I am, and although I am much much better about than I once was, it is not gone entirely from my personality to fret unduly over when he is unhappy about something.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 11:44am

 

'.. I sympathize with both of you.'

Hold, I find it incredibly hard to sympathize with M's husband. It's only her whom I sympathize with truly and deeply. I just do not understand and will never understand how his behaviour towards her sexually (amongst other things) can be justified, rationalised and excused, keeping in mind that she's just had major surgery and  that this is an open marriage and he can, with her agreement and permission, go find sex elsewhere. I won't go on as I know M doesn't like me all that much, to put it mildly. Just wanted to say I am firmly on her side.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 1:31pm
I don't like her husband, and I would not have advised her to marry him. So in some sense I agree with you that he is not such a sympathetic character. On the other hand, she married him knowing full well how he behaves.

Given that she married him, and that she admits he was "nice" about not bothering her for 8 - 10 weeks, I sympathize with him that the onus was on her to show that she intended to get back into action when the medical prohibition ended, or at least for her to communicate her plans. I do think she missed the boat in not setting his expectations, since she should have known he would likely be focusing on the deadline.

I understand LLs often don't keep track of "when was the last time we had sex", but when you have been together a while, there is some responsibility on the LL who has been medically unable to perform to realize that the HL is probably chomping at the bit and to share in the process of restarting the physical intimacy. If the LL waits for the HL to make the first "move", then the LL can't very well complain that the HL made their move in a less than artful manner.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 1:40pm
>>. If the LL waits for the HL to make the first "move", then the LL can't very well complain that the HL made their move in a less than artful manner. <<

The problem here was that we both went to the doctor's appointment and we both got the same information. But for some reason he did not interpret that information the same way I did or in the way I expected him to (expectation based entirely on what he had said and done previously.) Then he acted outraged when I was less than prepared for him. Now, could I have sidestepped the whole sticky mess by making an announcement several days prior that made my intentions clear? Yes I could have. I just didn't see it as necessary based on his behavior and words during the course of the medically sanctioned hiatus. My main error was not realizing that the "rules" had changed while we waited. Perhaps his good nature lulled me into forgetting how dire he finds the lack of sex.
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 2:01pm
>>>>> Perhaps his good nature lulled me into forgetting how dire he finds the lack of sex. <<<<<

Yes yes yes. Exactly.

This is sometimes why I view HL as a curse, especially when one has a partner who is constitutionally LL. I can't say this forcefully enough: if I am HL, then NOTHING that happens to YOU makes MY desire go away. Often I wish it did. But it doesn't.

My love for my wife doesn't make it go away. My knowing that she is LL does not make it go away. And my knowing that she is medically unavailable does not make it go away.

My love for her might cause me not to complain to often or too loudly when she is medically unavailable. My knowing she is LL might ratchet down my expectations for how I expect her to behave. My knowing she is medically unavailable might help redirect my anger away from her and toward the medical condition itself.

But her medical condition does not in any way eliminate my libido or my feeling that I am being deprived during her recovery. She may be in physical pain. But I am in emotional pain. And the fact that I am being nice about it for weeks and weeks means that she should be doing MORE to make sure she remembers that I am chomping at the bit, not less.

Sorry, not meaning to direct the vehemence at you directly. But this is something we face over and over again. The lack of understanding from LLs. To the constitutionally HL, the fact that there is an external force like medical necessity that prevents sex is something that we can accept intelectually, but on the emotional level we still want sex and we still feel pain when it doesn't happen. Even though we understand and agree. Even when our partner is not at "fault". It still hurts.

Our side of the street is to remember not to take it out on our partner. Our partner's side of the street is not to forget that we are in pain even if there IS a fully jusitifed reason why you can't participate.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 3:04pm
Thanks Hold, that was very eloquent and it shines a light on my situation somewhat.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 4:36pm

Now that you're married, are you still agreeable to an open marriage?  Just curious how marriage is going to affect your sex life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 4:41pm
Lisa, since neither of us has a problem with that part of our relationship, there's no need to change it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 5:00pm
So help me understand your relationship's dynamics. If he wants/needs sex on almost a daily basis, why doesn't he just step out for most of it and step back in with you for those "more intimate loving" moments? He seems to have the need to dominate and/or humiliate you during sex. Is it because he finds pleaure in this? And it's really not about the sex but about control? Of you? Because as you mentioned, he can find/enjoy sex anytime he wants it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 5:11pm
lisa, you obviously don't understand how not simple it is to just "go find sex" for a person who has high standards. He would prefer to have a regular partner for sex, and has rules to fulfill in order to keep us both safe and healthy. Finding a woman who is willing to and able to meet all the criteria is not simple, especially as it becomes obvious as you talk to him that I am his primary love and nothing that any woman does will change that. We have found that most women who meet the criteria are not comfortable with that feeling, even though he has the ability to love others, they often don't find it to be enough to come second to me.

As to dominating me or humiliating me during sex, that's not happening at all. I think you are probably attributing some of my own internal dialog and insecurity directly to him which is not accurate.

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