Not sure if justified or just big baby.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Not sure if justified or just big baby.....
69
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 9:57am

I’m not sure if my DH is justified or is being a big baby.  Frequently my meter on this is broken.  I need some HLs to weigh in here and let me know.   Also not sure how to proceed.  Here’s the gist of things.  As of today my hysterectomy was 8 weeks ago.  At my doctor’s appointment 2 weeks ago, she said I had to wait 8 weeks from my surgery date. 

DH has been great in regards to sex during my recovery time.  As a matter of fact we stopped having sex a week or two prior to my surgery, at his suggestion that we should “just wait until after when we can be sure it’s not causing you any pain.”  I have offered/given him HJs and BJs in the interim (probably about 8 total, I’m guessing because as you all know I don’t keep score.)   I did suggest sex a few weeks ago, he said “let’s do what the doctor says down to the letter and not take any chances”  However, last night at 10:30 (30 mins after my usual bedtime) he comes to bed and starts groping on me.  He did this in the middle of the night when he came to bed the night before as well.  I gave him a HJ so he would go to sleep and leave me be.  However last night he apparently expected to have sex.  Uh, I was not mentally “prepared” to have sex last night.  I presumed that we would have sex tonight, and was okay with that idea.  I’m not sure if he miscalculated or what, he was trying to get me to do math at 11:15 at night, and I was getting mad.  I said “I’m not going to do the math now.  I figured our date was either tomorrow or the next week (I wasn’t sure about the date at that time) but can look at a calendar and count Wednesdays in the morning.)  He started up with math again.  So I got up (I was pissed and he knew it at this point) and did the counting.  Leaving me with the result I thought I’d get, that we are good to go as of today.  He said something about midnight, and I said “I suppose at 12:01 when it is technically Wednesday if that is what you are getting at.”  It was evident I wasn’t feeling that idea, and he got mad.  He made several comments about me not caring, and said he could sleep in the other room (blah blah blah his usual.)  He got out of bed and said he would let me sleep since that is obviously my first priority.  I said “apparently it’s not and it definitely isn’t a priority to you. “

He stayed up until about 3:30 am and I slept as best I could.  Now, I’ve been having a hard time getting back on my normal schedule after having been off work for 6 weeks.  I overslept yesterday and would not have woken up if hadn’t by some miracle awakened me.  I am concerned about getting back on schedule, and it is true I have a high priority for sleep.  But if he expected to have sex, could he not have talked about it earlier?  WTF?  Am I totally wrong in some way here?  I know it has been a long time.  I know he has been good about it.  I want to acknowledge that and it give it the credit it deserves, but what is up with this crap? 

My current going forward plan is to act as if nothing happened and attempt to have sex tonight.  Any thoughts on that?  Should I be apologizing for something?  If so, what? 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 5:52pm

M:  That makes total sense.  Thanks for your clarification. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 6:45am

Couldnt agree more with you, Lisak..

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 10:29am
I wanted to add something to my message yesterday.

If you are a LL dealing with a constitutional HL, maybe this analogy to counting cards will help. Note, if you are the type of LL who simply provides sex on demand even though you don't want it for yourself, this is not aimed at you. This is aimed at the LLs who have reached an uneasy truce with their HL partner where they know the HL isn't thrilled, but the HL isn't complaining too much about the frequency of sex, either.

The key here is to keep a running total of where you are sexually.

Step 1: think about how often you generally have sex each week. That is your weekly "debit". If you generally have sex once a week, then every week subtract 1 from your running total.

Step 2: every time you have sex, add 1 to your running total.

That is it. If you have a positive running total, good for you. If you have a negative running total, then consider your HL is probably chomping at the bit, even if they haven't complained verbally.

Here is the key: There are NO exceptions to the debits. Doesn't matter if you had surgery. Or your pet or parent died. When you get to Sunday night, you still have to subtract 1 from your running total. If you have been sick for weeks, you may find yourself in a fairly deep hole. Yes, I know that stinks. But it stinks to be constitutionally HL and not get any sex for weeks, also.

Look on the bright side: if you generally had sex 2 times a week, you would have to subtract 2 every Sunday night. Now aren't you glad you only got your HL used to having sex once a week? :smileywink:

When you see it coming, duck!

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 10:29am
Oh, forgot to add: if you do something really really special, you might be able to add +2 to your score. Go for it!

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 10:41am
score keeping, bad thing is someone is going to lose no matter what.
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 10:50am
I tend to agree in general. On the other hand, the overall dynamic occurs whether you keep score or not.

The precise score is not what is important. What is important is having a general sense whether your score is positive or negative. If in the back of your mind you have a feeling that if you counted, you would come up negative, then it is time to take action.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 11:37am

I hear you in regard to being in the negative and needing to take action. Of course this also depends on how close to the HLs desired/tolerable frequency you are currently at. My DH wants daily, and would prefer around 9 encounters a week. I am currently ringing the bell around 3 times a week. This still puts us 6 encounters behind what he actually prefers. If I go up to 4, that doesn't actually put me ahead one, not in his reality. Besides that, basically we are so far in the hole that I'll never catch up anyways.

So better for me not to view it in this way, and just know I am doing my utmost, and examine myself closely on a regular basis to be certain that remains true. I can look myself in the mirror, and if he gets ugly about the current "balance" I can say with complete authenticity that I am working my hardest at it.

Of course I am one of the ones that realizes that being with someone means meeting them in the middle where ever possible.  It means doing things you don't want to sometimes.  It means putting them ahead of yourself at least half the time, etc.  I also understand that if you love someone you bear a responsibility to care about their needs and their happiness.  To me, constraining someone I love to my level of anything be it pistachio ice cream, sushi, mountain climbing or sex, is cruel, and unneccessary. 

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 2:42pm
Hey, I understand staying in a relationship where you never get to equilibrium. Obviously, this analogy breaks down where the LL is never going to be able to sustain a level of interaction that the HL finds minimally acceptable. Welcome to my marriage. It is aimed more at the couple where the HL can tolerate something less than maximum effort from the LL. So that there is some "upside" the LL can offer when things have drifted negative. If the LL's maximum effort still leaves the HL in the red, the couple has to accept that the ML is never going to be resolved.

Still and all, I do think the analogy offers some explanation of your episode of miscommunication. Your husband may have become accustomed to being -6 every week. That does not mean he doesn't feel pain when the situation switches to -9 per week. After 8 weeks at -9, he might have been very desperate to start climbing back up toward -6. For you, -6 may be the zero baseline.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 8:05pm
<<There are NO exceptions to the debits. Doesn't matter if you had surgery. Or your pet or parent died.>>

All I can say is, I'm glad my marriage doesn't follow that calculus. It would be doomed if it did.

F.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 9:16pm
FLM, perhaps it does follow that calculus in other areas that are important to one or both of you?

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