Not sure if justified or just big baby.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Not sure if justified or just big baby.....
69
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 9:57am

I’m not sure if my DH is justified or is being a big baby.  Frequently my meter on this is broken.  I need some HLs to weigh in here and let me know.   Also not sure how to proceed.  Here’s the gist of things.  As of today my hysterectomy was 8 weeks ago.  At my doctor’s appointment 2 weeks ago, she said I had to wait 8 weeks from my surgery date. 

DH has been great in regards to sex during my recovery time.  As a matter of fact we stopped having sex a week or two prior to my surgery, at his suggestion that we should “just wait until after when we can be sure it’s not causing you any pain.”  I have offered/given him HJs and BJs in the interim (probably about 8 total, I’m guessing because as you all know I don’t keep score.)   I did suggest sex a few weeks ago, he said “let’s do what the doctor says down to the letter and not take any chances”  However, last night at 10:30 (30 mins after my usual bedtime) he comes to bed and starts groping on me.  He did this in the middle of the night when he came to bed the night before as well.  I gave him a HJ so he would go to sleep and leave me be.  However last night he apparently expected to have sex.  Uh, I was not mentally “prepared” to have sex last night.  I presumed that we would have sex tonight, and was okay with that idea.  I’m not sure if he miscalculated or what, he was trying to get me to do math at 11:15 at night, and I was getting mad.  I said “I’m not going to do the math now.  I figured our date was either tomorrow or the next week (I wasn’t sure about the date at that time) but can look at a calendar and count Wednesdays in the morning.)  He started up with math again.  So I got up (I was pissed and he knew it at this point) and did the counting.  Leaving me with the result I thought I’d get, that we are good to go as of today.  He said something about midnight, and I said “I suppose at 12:01 when it is technically Wednesday if that is what you are getting at.”  It was evident I wasn’t feeling that idea, and he got mad.  He made several comments about me not caring, and said he could sleep in the other room (blah blah blah his usual.)  He got out of bed and said he would let me sleep since that is obviously my first priority.  I said “apparently it’s not and it definitely isn’t a priority to you. “

He stayed up until about 3:30 am and I slept as best I could.  Now, I’ve been having a hard time getting back on my normal schedule after having been off work for 6 weeks.  I overslept yesterday and would not have woken up if hadn’t by some miracle awakened me.  I am concerned about getting back on schedule, and it is true I have a high priority for sleep.  But if he expected to have sex, could he not have talked about it earlier?  WTF?  Am I totally wrong in some way here?  I know it has been a long time.  I know he has been good about it.  I want to acknowledge that and it give it the credit it deserves, but what is up with this crap? 

My current going forward plan is to act as if nothing happened and attempt to have sex tonight.  Any thoughts on that?  Should I be apologizing for something?  If so, what? 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 9:34pm
<<FLM, perhaps it does follow that calculus in other areas that are important to one or both of you? >>

None that I can think of. Preconceived expectations can only lead to bad things, in my experience. And score-keeping, whether overt or covert, just doesn't feel right to me. DH and I never keep score about anything concerning money, chores, or sex. I guess we both accept minor imbalances. If a major one were to crop up I imagine we would discuss it and take it from there.

F.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 9:57pm
Precisely FLM. I sincerely hope that there is nothing about me that is as inflexible, relentless, and unforgiving asHL seems to be
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 10:20pm
<<And score-keeping, whether overt or covert, just doesn't feel right to me.>>

I don't think any of us would argue that it does feel right but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. I think you are lucky in that you have minor imbalances with your DH. Those are easy to look past. Indeed, I think we all do. It's the bigger imbalances that do bring out our lesser nature, whether we like it or not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 8:05am
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 1:50pm
I defer to your observation (since I have never experienced it personally) that when things become tolerable to the HL, the HL stops experiencing the periodic "debiting" from the mere passage of time.

And I agree that changing the shape of the couples' utility curves is a preferable outcome compared to playing the math game.

Still, I think there is some validity in pointing out to LLs that failing to keep the relationship in a good place has the risk of pushing their HL partner into the "counting space" - which is no fun for either partner. Which might make it worth enduring the discomfort of re-evaluating one's frame of reference to see if lookling at sex slightly differently might make it easier to participate willingly without feeling one was violating their own core principles.

When you see it coming, duck!

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 1:56pm
Trust me, I wish that my libido was not as inflexible, relentless or unforgiving as I experience it to be.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 4:19pm
OK, help me understand something, HLs. I understand and accept that masturbation does not replace partner sex in the HL psyche. However, if the LL is temporarily out of commission (as was the case with Miranda), wouldn't masturbation take the edge off the HL's physical frustration? Why can't it work as a temporary stopgap?

F.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 4:32pm

For me, masturbation is usually like getting a high interest loan.  It helps when you are in a bind but sooner or later you will have to pay it back -- with interest!

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 11:22am
To me, the problem is that the physical urge is far less powerful than the emotional one, and so the relief provided by masturbation addresses the far less important aspect of deprivation. In other words, masturbation addresses ONLY the physical aspect of my need, and that is by far the LESS important aspect, while the more important aspect - emotional yearning, remains unaddressed.

Hence the focus on the word "temporary" in your question. Does it "work" if the "gap" is on the order of a few days? In my experience, yes. Does it make ANY improvement in my emotional state if the hiatus lasts weeks or months? Again, in my experience, no, it does not. Let me be clear, over periods of more than a few days, the question is not whether masturbation helps. It does not. The question is whether it makes ZERO difference in my feeling deprived, or does it in fact make things WORSE, because I feel bas about being married and being "forced" (even if only by circumstance) to resort to masturbation for long periods of time.

As Mol said, I did not get married so I could continue masturbating. I got married so I wouldn't have to masturbate as much. And yes, I was very clear about that before we got married.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Thu, 10-04-2012 - 11:58am

What prevented you from bailing out early on when you first realized this was going to be a perpetual problem?

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