what does this mean?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2011
what does this mean?
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 10:30am

im in a long distance lesbian relationship (since april-east coast/west coast ordeal). my insecurities have pushed her away. ive dealt with low self esteem and all that goes with it from the time i was a kid and it's always been an issue in any relationship ive been in.  2 weekends ago she said she needed time from us ( i respected her space and she contacted me that monday morning) we chatted all last week, but i felt so distant from her. i told her my feelings of that and she thought we were fine and happy.  needless to say, that made her take a step back as well.  she hung out with some friends this weekend (we spoke, but not much bc she blamed it on not having service bc she was on the water). sun she called me when she was able to talk, we chatted and again i told her my feelings and how i was scared of losing her and her finding someone else (for about a week now a lot of our talks have been me asking if she has found someone else or still wants to be with me - she says thats getting old). in any event, i kept drilling her with questions (one question asking if she could have her way what would she want right now - she told me for me to move out to CA with her) more questions followed to the point she was like,  i dunno. i just dont know anymore. maybe i need time to figure out what i want.  so i told her i wouldnt stand in her way, id let her go and i wished her all the best.  i told her i had to go, hung up and 5 mins later she's texting me telling me dont do this, not now.  so since sun., we've chatted, just a lil (have a good day or about other generic stuff-no feelings). she  still calls me everyday when she gets off work. i guess my question is, is she thinking we are still together or what is she doing?  leading me on?  please help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 11:22am

It seems like she thinks you 2 are together or why else would she be calling you every day?  I think the only way to know is to ask her--once!  Seriously, it would be very tedious to be in a relationship where the other person was constantly insecure & questioning me about my feelings, are you going to find someone else, I'm afraid I'm going to lose you, etc.  You really need to get help for your own issues.  I also think that when a person is insecure like you, trying to have a long distance relationship only makes it harder because you don't see the other person often, you don't know what they are doing when you're not around, so you worry more, etc.--I'd think if you're not moving to CA soon, then why stay involved in this?

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 3:52pm
I'd have to agree with musiclover. I think in order to clear up your confusion on your relationship status, you need to ask her directly. Don't second guess and read between the lines. I also question the wisdom of an insecure person like you being in a long distance scenario. That is just asking for projecting, reading between the lines, obsessing, and generally driving yourself over the edge. You have got to learn to let go of your fears, i know very much easier said than done. They will drive her away and then you will have the self fulfilling prophecy , reinforcing your fears all the more.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 6:54pm

luvmywiems, I think breaks create more problems than they solve.   First let me say that breaks happen because one person wants to end the relationship but lacks to courage to do so.   I'd certainly be interested to hear of a break which actually helped a relationship!

Anyway, the person who wants the break gets the best of both worlds - not having to deal with a partner they are tired of, but having them on the back burner just in case they change their mind.    And in the meantime, creates all this stress and worry in the mind of the breakee.  

For all these reasons, I wouldn't accept a 'break' if it were asked of me.   I'd tell the person that they are either with me or without me, but I would not be left in limbo waiting for them to make up their mind.    And this is the response I suggest you give to your girlfriend when she's upset at your walking awway.   Honestly, she can't have it both ways.

All that being said, a long distance relationship is not a good fit for an insecure person.   I can only believe that long distance would exacerbate any insecurity issues.    I suggest you rethink this whole situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
Sun, 10-21-2012 - 6:19pm

Though i've never been into a lesbian relationship, i've already had a long-distance relationship with a (very) insecure partner. I can tell you that things can get totally unmanageable and extremely painful for the insecure partner.

I agree with what was said above, never settle for a dual kind of behavior. If she's calling you everyday ask her if you're still in a relationship, if not, tell her to stop calling once for all