HLs don't always want the truth :-(

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
HLs don't always want the truth :-(
63
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 2:47pm
Well, I guess I survived the ML weekend from hell. I'm still married, and DH didn't file for divorce...yet. I don't know, maybe I'm being over dramatic about this. This is how it went down:

Saturday AM-

He initiates, I refuse because I have aunt flo visiting. He says, "you always tell me that as an excuse. We used to work around it". I say "I have cramps, and I am not in the mood". Things come to a head with him saying that I never make time for it.

I figured, ok now is the time to tell the truth. I tell him, "I am not attracted to you as I used to be. You let yourself go, you dont't take care to look good and you won't stop smoking like I asked you to over and over again. It is ruining your teeth. It affects your breath. I know I have my problems and stretch marks, but I've lost weight and I invited you to join me but you call it nagging. This is the result."

Well he didn't want to hear that, he wants me to agree to work on it. I told him the truth, he still wants to be kept in the ML "lala land" of empty promises. I was so tired of lying and having this hanging over my head all of the time. We are on a 2 month dry spell.

The truth hurts but I am tired of hurting him as well as myself with lies.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 09-27-2012 - 2:11pm
Dwifey,

I know what it is like to need to vent a bit. Go right on ahead, some of us are "here." And look on the bright side, even if you didn't get a lot of response from HLs like you'd hoped, at least you didn't get completely unhelpful troll responses like what sometimes happens to me;-?

I understand what you mean about appearance affecting your desire. I don't have that problem, but behaviors definitely affect my libido. Unfortunately some people don't understand that libido is affected by these factors. I'm guessing part of the reason for that might be that their libido is more "static" than ours, or else isn't affected by the things ours is, so it doesn't make any sense to them that ours are.

I will repeat my earlier comment, is there any way you could convince him to go to counseling with you? I don't see much help for your situation outside that. If you aren't really looking for that kind of help but merely venting, that's cool too. I understand. Hang in there, hon!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Thu, 09-27-2012 - 5:47pm

... wonder what happened to all of the HLs. I was looking forward to hearing more opinions from them. If I were you, I would want to know that the stance I have taken was based on reality. What signs are there that your libido is otherwise healthy, independent from these complaints about your H? Also, permanents are an option for his lost teeth and there is no weight gained that cannot be lost. Yet, it seems that you have declared victory despite the red flag being thrown with unanswered questions still out there.

Think abou it... if it was just your libido preventing you from wanting sex with him, wouldn't that only be fair to understand that about yourself and communicate it to him instead of all these distractions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Thu, 09-27-2012 - 6:01pm
I'm not declaring victory, this is nothing but defeat and frustration. My libido tends to be LL, however since I turned 40 it has been increasing. However, I didn't turn towards my husband for release, only myself.

I don't know about the permanent teeth, DH heard bad things about them and wants to get dentures. I was pushing for permanents though :-(. Worst part is that he makes jokes about having no teeth, it makes me mad that he would let it get this far. He calls it old age, he's only middle age.

If he was not the way he is maybe I can be open to discovering my sexuality with him. He's the only man I've ever been with and I meant for marriage to be forever. I chose him because of his good health habits. He has abadoned that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Thu, 09-27-2012 - 7:01pm

Maybe it's just me and my HL speaking here but if your H was able to get it up and thrust, I'd be bending over, not looking back, and imagining a younger him while enjoying the sex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Thu, 09-27-2012 - 7:28pm
Thing is, I enjoy kissing, not just the thrusting :smileywink:

It must be your HL talking, lol.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Thu, 09-27-2012 - 7:49pm
Before anybody gets the wrong idea, I love and adore my DH. He is a great father and very supportive friend, we've been through many ups and downs. I want to help him through this fork in the road of our life together. Being honest with him is going to help us towards that.

I feel that I was enabling him to stay unhealthy by making him believe that everything was fine. But it was not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Thu, 09-27-2012 - 11:18pm
The truth is often a high risk strategy but probably the only one with any chance of success in your case, however small. I think you will have to use positive reinforcement along the way toward the end goal of having him reclaim his health and recapture your sexual interest. Otherwise, it's even less likely to work at all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Fri, 09-28-2012 - 9:44am

Hi,

I don't post here often, but the discussion around attraction and health interested me.  I'm a HL female with a LL DH, we've had really rough patches, but right now we're in a good place.  You wanted HL opinions, so I'll try.

I like a lot of the points Harmless is making.  I can't help but put myself in your H's position.  You say you want him to be healthy and he hears that as nagging.  Well, yeah, you ARE nagging.  Based on your posts, he is happy with himself.  It's unlikely he'll change.  You can't help nor enable him.  It won't work, and you'll build up even more resentments than you already have.

Which brings me to the attraction vs. true LL.  I'm with some of the others, you still are not being truthful if you are truly LL and not sitiuational LL.  I think it's really unfair to your H to demand sexual manogomy and not be truthful with him.  I do think that is as selfish as him not listening to you.  I never will understand how people can claim to love their spouses in a marital kind of way and not be attracted to them.  It makes no sense to me.  If he's a friend, why not act like a friend, be kind and release him to find somebody who is attracted to him just as he is?  For the record, from the way you describe him, I wouldn't be attracted to him, but I'm sure someone is out there for him.

If counseling is off the table, there are only two options, D or live miserably.

I've lurked here, and do like a lot of your posts.  I'm not bashing, but you wanted HLs to respond.  I tend to have a blunt posting style.

OAJ 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Fri, 09-28-2012 - 10:43am

And I have been assured on this board for years (ugh, is it really years?) that I could believe my H.

I wouldn't be one of the ones reassuring you to believe him because I definitely think lack of sexual attraction is a big factor in many, if not most, ML situations.  Even in the case of my DW, whom I believe to be a true constitutional LL, I still believe that there MUST be someone out there that would rev her sexual engines -- even if that someone may or may not be a suitable partner in any other way except sexually.  I have never uncovered any evidence of such a person yet, however.

In fact, when the opportunity presents itself, I sometimes ask her questions in an attempt to help her and me to uncover and understand her sexuality.  I'm not sure how I would feel if we did discover someone that truly turned her on.  Part of me would be hurt that she couldn't feel that way for me; but part of me would also be excited that she was capable of feeling that way at all!

Like a lot of HLs that post on here, I am in great shape and am objectively attractive.  In fact, it's not that my DW does not find me attractive, she does -- but it's a non-sexual, pre-pubescent type of attraction like the way someone might admire a fine piece of art or the like.

So being hygienic, in shape, and otherwise attractive in itself is often not enough.  Especially for women, it seems that there must be something else there to spark that libido.  The question to consider is whether that something can exist with your DH under better conditions.  Because if it can't, then there's no point in him even trying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Fri, 09-28-2012 - 1:06pm

So being hygienic, in shape, and otherwise attractive in itself is often not enough.  Especially for women, it seems that there must be something else there to spark that libido.

In total agreement here.  I usually hate generalities, but women also tend to find a sense of humor sexy.  And I may get bashed here by my fellow estrogen-based gender, but I do think we like a little bad boy or mystery to our men.  That also seems to rev up the libido, something about trying to tame them turns us on.  Then once they're tamed, they're no longer interesting.

Magnaniman, if I may ask, does your DW ever mention any type of celebrities she's attracted to?  Or characters in movies?  Just look at how many women swoon over the Brad Pitt character in Thelma and Louise.   "House" is off the air now, but I know there are a lot of women who just wanted to rescue him, and were extremely happy when Cuddy finally did - until she didn't, of course.

OAJ