HLs don't always want the truth :-(
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HLs don't always want the truth :-(
| Wed, 09-26-2012 - 2:47pm |
Well, I guess I survived the ML weekend from hell. I'm still married, and DH didn't file for divorce...yet. I don't know, maybe I'm being over dramatic about this. This is how it went down:
Saturday AM-
He initiates, I refuse because I have aunt flo visiting. He says, "you always tell me that as an excuse. We used to work around it". I say "I have cramps, and I am not in the mood". Things come to a head with him saying that I never make time for it.
I figured, ok now is the time to tell the truth. I tell him, "I am not attracted to you as I used to be. You let yourself go, you dont't take care to look good and you won't stop smoking like I asked you to over and over again. It is ruining your teeth. It affects your breath. I know I have my problems and stretch marks, but I've lost weight and I invited you to join me but you call it nagging. This is the result."
Well he didn't want to hear that, he wants me to agree to work on it. I told him the truth, he still wants to be kept in the ML "lala land" of empty promises. I was so tired of lying and having this hanging over my head all of the time. We are on a 2 month dry spell.
The truth hurts but I am tired of hurting him as well as myself with lies.
Saturday AM-
He initiates, I refuse because I have aunt flo visiting. He says, "you always tell me that as an excuse. We used to work around it". I say "I have cramps, and I am not in the mood". Things come to a head with him saying that I never make time for it.
I figured, ok now is the time to tell the truth. I tell him, "I am not attracted to you as I used to be. You let yourself go, you dont't take care to look good and you won't stop smoking like I asked you to over and over again. It is ruining your teeth. It affects your breath. I know I have my problems and stretch marks, but I've lost weight and I invited you to join me but you call it nagging. This is the result."
Well he didn't want to hear that, he wants me to agree to work on it. I told him the truth, he still wants to be kept in the ML "lala land" of empty promises. I was so tired of lying and having this hanging over my head all of the time. We are on a 2 month dry spell.
The truth hurts but I am tired of hurting him as well as myself with lies.
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I have my faults too, I'm not denying that, and I always wanted sex less than him, but my desire was lessened due to these issues. My question is this, should a person give sex to their partner regardless of what else is going on in the relationship?
And if your spouse is out for revenge, clearly communicating your wants and needs can actually give them information so that they may more effectively exact that revenge.
When you see it coming, duck!
Mol, you are on a roll here with your comments about communication! I agree that communication isn't the key. It's a component of something that COULD be the key (negotiation and true understanding.) My DH and I communicate the ML thing to DEATH. And it isn't a resolution by any means. I wish it were.
"So you never fantasize?"
Which part of what I wrote did you interpret to mean that I never fantasize? I have a very rich fantasy life!
"So do you stay with the 'good man' and sacrifice enjoyment in your sex life? Or do you go to the 'bad man' and lose out maybe on other areas of stimulation? Or do you try to just juggle both?"
I'm looking for a bad good man!
"You have to be really careful about that 'open' thing. My ex and I tried that and did not establish any ground rules. Needless to say, it did not go well."
Four days ago, I read the following. I thought it was interesting that it was the H that wanted to stop: "Dear Abby: I have been married for 10 years. Early in our marriage my husband talked about wanting to try swinging. We did, and had many enjoyable experiences. Two years ago he decided he no longer wanted to be in the lifestyle, so we stopped. The problem is, I miss it very much. I want to get back into it and have talked with him about it, but he insists we stay out of it. I am torn between going to parties behind his back, suffering my displeasure in silence because I'm not able to do something I really enjoyed, or divorcing. Can you help me figure this out? -- Foxy In Phoenix"
Knowing what you now know, what ground rules would you have set if you had it to do over?
TG,
So you never fantasize? Fantasy can actually be very healthy and very telling about ourselves. I think the word "swoon" lends itself to fantasy more than reality. Very very few people go into weirdo mode and think it can actually happen or let it take over their lives. You've never followed a movie or TV series and hope two characters get together, or get at all invested and put yourself in that situation?
To your second paragraph, that's my point. Both the physical and mental attractions have to be there. But as I get older, I'm just surprised to find how many people lose the attraction (most commonly physical), and can claim to wholly love that person in a marital way and still demand sexual monogamy. Our society downplays the physical attraction part, and I think that does us a big disservice. I don't hink it's shallow at all. And yes, I realize beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I don't think most people share my view of Edward James Olmos
.
Of course, if both parties are on the same page, that's OK, but in most of these situations, they are not and they either live miserably or just sort of exist. If one person loses that attraction, isn't it more loving to be truthful and release them to find their way or open the marriage?
OAJ
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