HLs don't always want the truth :-(

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
HLs don't always want the truth :-(
63
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 2:47pm
Well, I guess I survived the ML weekend from hell. I'm still married, and DH didn't file for divorce...yet. I don't know, maybe I'm being over dramatic about this. This is how it went down:

Saturday AM-

He initiates, I refuse because I have aunt flo visiting. He says, "you always tell me that as an excuse. We used to work around it". I say "I have cramps, and I am not in the mood". Things come to a head with him saying that I never make time for it.

I figured, ok now is the time to tell the truth. I tell him, "I am not attracted to you as I used to be. You let yourself go, you dont't take care to look good and you won't stop smoking like I asked you to over and over again. It is ruining your teeth. It affects your breath. I know I have my problems and stretch marks, but I've lost weight and I invited you to join me but you call it nagging. This is the result."

Well he didn't want to hear that, he wants me to agree to work on it. I told him the truth, he still wants to be kept in the ML "lala land" of empty promises. I was so tired of lying and having this hanging over my head all of the time. We are on a 2 month dry spell.

The truth hurts but I am tired of hurting him as well as myself with lies.
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 10:48am
I don't think you should be despondent, not yet. Your case, unlike mine, seems solvable. That is, there does seem to be things that are within your H's power to change that might affect yourt desire for him. Maybe not bring it back to what it was, but to create times when you do hunger for him.

I agree with mol, you need to press forward. Do not back down from explaining to your H that he bears a large portion of the blame for why and how you got here. And he has the power to get to a better place. He can stop smoking. He can care for his teeth and gums and breath.

Don't let him wallow. Don't let him throw a pity party. And don't let him blame you for needing what you need to feel desire. You may be demanding, but what you demand is not unreasonable.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 1:41pm
Thanks Hold and Mol for your feedback, it was very helpful. Marching onwards!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2012
Fri, 10-05-2012 - 1:36am

damn girl, pretty fixated on the dental thing, aren't we?  you should just bail out, he's never going to be what you want/need him to be.  face it and get out - life's too short.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2000
Fri, 10-05-2012 - 5:13pm

I read this entire thread and some of it rang true.

I got to the "disgust" stage with my wife in the mid-1990s.  She'd had two kids, kept all the baby weight and a lot more from emotional eating.  At one point, we hadn't had sex is more than a year when she woke me in the middle of the night trying to initiate.  I tried to respond, but I couldn't even wrap my arms around her because "around" was just too far.  She couldn't move with me.  After a bit, I told her that I couldn't do this anymore until she had lost a lot of weight.

That was in January 1999.  We never had sex again.

In retrospect, perhaps I should have responded differently.  But disgust is a pretty strong emotion, and I was frankly resentful that she had let things slide so far.  She's now 260 pounds on a 5'7" frame.  The idea of sex with her is still repellent.  Over the years, I have had sex elsewhere, but those relationships have always been short and emotionally unsatisfying.  I also now realize that the end of sex definitely worsened our relationship.  We haven't hugged, kissed or said, "I love you," in years.  We don't fight, but we rarely speak beyond routine issues.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 3:46pm
Update-

This week is our anniversary, and considering the circumstances I don't know WHAT IN THE HELL TO DO.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Fri, 10-12-2012 - 3:47pm
Again thanks for everyone's input in this thread, it is greatly appreciated!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2009

What's keeping you from getting a divorce? What you have is not a marriage.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2000
Sun, 10-14-2012 - 3:43pm

What's keeping you from getting a divorce? What you have is not a marriage.

Practical things, I guess.  Money, kids, the usual.  We very belatedly started marriage counseling a year or so ago, but (to my mind) have made little progress.  What she wants, it seems, is "unconditional love," i.e., to be the recipient of affection even as she denies me.  It really feels too late.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Mon, 10-15-2012 - 12:18pm
I so agree. I don't believe in unconditional romantic love at all. In fact, the concept is downright dangerous! It keeps people in unhealthy situations and encourages laziness in relationships. After all, one shouldn't have to make any effort to deserve unconditional love.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Mon, 10-15-2012 - 1:05pm
Doesn't this go the other way as well, a partner expects "unconditional sex" regardless of whatever else is going on in the relationship, which would promote neglecting one's health among other things?