HLs don't always want the truth :-(

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
HLs don't always want the truth :-(
63
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 2:47pm
Well, I guess I survived the ML weekend from hell. I'm still married, and DH didn't file for divorce...yet. I don't know, maybe I'm being over dramatic about this. This is how it went down:

Saturday AM-

He initiates, I refuse because I have aunt flo visiting. He says, "you always tell me that as an excuse. We used to work around it". I say "I have cramps, and I am not in the mood". Things come to a head with him saying that I never make time for it.

I figured, ok now is the time to tell the truth. I tell him, "I am not attracted to you as I used to be. You let yourself go, you dont't take care to look good and you won't stop smoking like I asked you to over and over again. It is ruining your teeth. It affects your breath. I know I have my problems and stretch marks, but I've lost weight and I invited you to join me but you call it nagging. This is the result."

Well he didn't want to hear that, he wants me to agree to work on it. I told him the truth, he still wants to be kept in the ML "lala land" of empty promises. I was so tired of lying and having this hanging over my head all of the time. We are on a 2 month dry spell.

The truth hurts but I am tired of hurting him as well as myself with lies.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2012
Fri, 10-05-2012 - 1:36am

damn girl, pretty fixated on the dental thing, aren't we?  you should just bail out, he's never going to be what you want/need him to be.  face it and get out - life's too short.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 1:41pm
Thanks Hold and Mol for your feedback, it was very helpful. Marching onwards!
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 10:48am
I don't think you should be despondent, not yet. Your case, unlike mine, seems solvable. That is, there does seem to be things that are within your H's power to change that might affect yourt desire for him. Maybe not bring it back to what it was, but to create times when you do hunger for him.

I agree with mol, you need to press forward. Do not back down from explaining to your H that he bears a large portion of the blame for why and how you got here. And he has the power to get to a better place. He can stop smoking. He can care for his teeth and gums and breath.

Don't let him wallow. Don't let him throw a pity party. And don't let him blame you for needing what you need to feel desire. You may be demanding, but what you demand is not unreasonable.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 9:16pm
Dwifey i know exactly how you feel and you can not "fix" it without his cooperation. If nothing will satisfy him except an exact re creation of what used to be then you both are in for a long heart wrenching haul.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 8:50pm
Hold, I think I opened a Pandora's box by saying the words. Dh is like you, he finds it difficult to have sex knowing how I feel.

Miranda, we discussed opening the relationship, even swinging. But nothing materialized as far as I know. He is scared of STDs, and he doesn't want to bring others in. He wants me to desire him like I used to.

Writing this post is breaking my heart...
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Registered: 01-11-2012
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 8:45pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 8:45pm
I think I opened a Pandora's Box by saying the words out loud. As it stands now, he knows that when I consent to sex that I'm doing it without desire. He prefers that I want it as much as him. I did tell him that he can go outside the relatioship to get some, we even discussed swinging. But nothing materialized as of yet, at least nothing I know of.

Sometimes I wish I didn't say anything...
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 4:56pm
Oh, and I wanted to point out that I agree with your idea that prompted this thread. I agree that many HLs do not want to hear the truth.

I don't want to hear the truth. The truth is my wife finds me unattractive. Physically and emotionally. I don't have a hot bod. I don't make enough money. And I'm not "all that" in bed.

I know all that. But I still don't want to hear the words from her. How could I have sex with her after she asid the words. As it is, we can pretend that there is hope and we can keep trying to make it better. But if she admitted that it is hopeless, that might create a wall I couldn't scale.

When you see it coming, duck!

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 4:45pm
>>>>> My question is this, should a person give sex to their partner regardless of what else is going on in the relationship? <<<<<

My answer: if your partner wants it, yes, you should. Full stop. When you can't do that anymore without feeling intolerable resentment, time to leave.

And of course, I am not talking about one or a few instances. But over months and years, yes, you should either be providing sex on a regular basis to a partner who desires sex even if you are rarely or never in the mood for it for yourself, or you should allow your partner to seek sex elsewhere. Otherwise, you are saying to your partner "I know you aren't getting what you want from me out of this relationship, and I will not tolerate your getting it from someone else, but I want you to stay with me so I can get what I want from you out of this relationship." And that is not loving.

Neither is it loving to settle for something like: I know I'm not giving you what you want from me, but you aren't giving me what I want either, so we're even.

Not suggesting I live up to this aspirational goal with respect to the non-sexual aspects of our relationship. But as I have said many times, anyone who chooses to model their behavior on mine is a fool.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 4:40pm
Dwifey, in my opinion sex should be openly negotiated and agreed upon like anything else. If you aren't interested in providing sex, then the discussion of some other outlet should be on the table, just as if you weren't going to cook anymore, other means of acquiring food should be available.....

Of course in most circles I'm considered a freak, so take it with a grain of salt.