HLs don't always want the truth :-(

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
HLs don't always want the truth :-(
63
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 2:47pm
Well, I guess I survived the ML weekend from hell. I'm still married, and DH didn't file for divorce...yet. I don't know, maybe I'm being over dramatic about this. This is how it went down:

Saturday AM-

He initiates, I refuse because I have aunt flo visiting. He says, "you always tell me that as an excuse. We used to work around it". I say "I have cramps, and I am not in the mood". Things come to a head with him saying that I never make time for it.

I figured, ok now is the time to tell the truth. I tell him, "I am not attracted to you as I used to be. You let yourself go, you dont't take care to look good and you won't stop smoking like I asked you to over and over again. It is ruining your teeth. It affects your breath. I know I have my problems and stretch marks, but I've lost weight and I invited you to join me but you call it nagging. This is the result."

Well he didn't want to hear that, he wants me to agree to work on it. I told him the truth, he still wants to be kept in the ML "lala land" of empty promises. I was so tired of lying and having this hanging over my head all of the time. We are on a 2 month dry spell.

The truth hurts but I am tired of hurting him as well as myself with lies.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 2:54pm
Mol, the ML started after the effects of the smoking. This was when I started to feel like I was not being listened to, we used to have sex consistently on the weekends. Communication is great, but what if one partner does not take into account what is being said and considers it nagging?

I have my faults too, I'm not denying that, and I always wanted sex less than him, but my desire was lessened due to these issues. My question is this, should a person give sex to their partner regardless of what else is going on in the relationship?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 1:55pm

And if your spouse is out for revenge, clearly communicating your wants and needs can actually give them information so that they may more effectively exact that revenge.

Avatar for holdingontoit
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Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 1:24pm
As usual I agree with Mol. Communication is necessary but not sufficient. Communication uncovers, it does not create. If there is an underlying area of mutual acceptability, it would be a shame if lack of communication failed to uncover it. Whether it helps the couple when comunication uncovers an absence of such overlap will depend on the couple.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 11:32am
TG, I know what you mean in regard to finding a man attractive. I can't just look at a guy and get all hot and bothered by him. However when you start throwing personality and confidence and intelligence into the mix, that's where my hot buttons lie. Robert Downey Jr as Tony Stark, Hugh Laurie as House, Jeff Goldblum and Ed Harris as well just about anyone they play. You see that there definitely isn't a physical type there, but usually I dig smart, and confident bordering on arrogant and somewhat quirky as well. Attraction towards me and the way a man treats me also factor in highly when dealing with men in real life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 11:25am

Mol, you are on a roll here with your comments about communication! I agree that communication isn't the key. It's a component of something that COULD be the key (negotiation and true understanding.) My DH and I communicate the ML thing to DEATH. And it isn't a resolution by any means. I wish it were.

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Registered: 10-31-2009

"So you never fantasize?"

Which part of what I wrote did you interpret to mean that I never fantasize? I have a very rich fantasy life! 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2009

"So do you stay with the 'good man' and sacrifice enjoyment in your sex life? Or do you go to the 'bad man' and lose out maybe on other areas of stimulation? Or do you try to just juggle both?"

I'm looking for a bad good man!

"You have to be really careful about that 'open' thing. My ex and I tried that and did not establish any ground rules. Needless to say, it did not go well."

Four days ago, I read the following.  I thought it was interesting that it was the H that wanted to stop:  "Dear Abby: I have been married for 10 years. Early in our marriage my husband talked about wanting to try swinging. We did, and had many enjoyable experiences.  Two years ago he decided he no longer wanted to be in the lifestyle, so we stopped. The problem is, I miss it very much. I want to get back into it and have talked with him about it, but he insists we stay out of it. I am torn between going to parties behind his back, suffering my displeasure in silence because I'm not able to do something I really enjoyed, or divorcing. Can you help me figure this out? -- Foxy In Phoenix"

Knowing what you now know, what ground rules would you have set if you had it to do over?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Sat, 09-29-2012 - 6:24pm
Thanks for everyones input and advice. Dh and I had a good conversation to end our crazy week. He agreed that his neglect is affecting my desire towards him, I told him that I will work to help him do what he needs to do. I love him and will not abadon him in his moment of need :-).
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Registered: 01-11-2012
Sat, 09-29-2012 - 6:18pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Sat, 09-29-2012 - 4:18pm

TG,

So you never fantasize?  Fantasy can actually be very healthy and very telling about ourselves.  I think the word "swoon" lends itself to fantasy more than reality.  Very very few people go into weirdo mode and think it can actually happen or let it take over their lives.  You've never followed a movie or TV series and hope two characters get together, or get at all invested and put yourself in that situation?

To your second paragraph, that's my point.  Both the physical and mental attractions have to be there.  But as I get older, I'm just surprised to find how many people lose the attraction (most commonly physical), and can claim to wholly love that person in a marital way and still demand sexual monogamy.  Our society downplays the physical attraction part, and I think that does us a big disservice. I don't hink it's shallow at all.  And yes, I realize beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  I don't think most people share my view of Edward James Olmos :smileyhappy:.

Of course, if both parties are on the same page, that's OK, but in most of these situations, they are not and they either live miserably or just sort of exist.  If one person loses that attraction, isn't it more loving to be truthful and release them to find their way or open the marriage?

OAJ