HLs don't always want the truth :-(

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
HLs don't always want the truth :-(
63
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 2:47pm
Well, I guess I survived the ML weekend from hell. I'm still married, and DH didn't file for divorce...yet. I don't know, maybe I'm being over dramatic about this. This is how it went down:

Saturday AM-

He initiates, I refuse because I have aunt flo visiting. He says, "you always tell me that as an excuse. We used to work around it". I say "I have cramps, and I am not in the mood". Things come to a head with him saying that I never make time for it.

I figured, ok now is the time to tell the truth. I tell him, "I am not attracted to you as I used to be. You let yourself go, you dont't take care to look good and you won't stop smoking like I asked you to over and over again. It is ruining your teeth. It affects your breath. I know I have my problems and stretch marks, but I've lost weight and I invited you to join me but you call it nagging. This is the result."

Well he didn't want to hear that, he wants me to agree to work on it. I told him the truth, he still wants to be kept in the ML "lala land" of empty promises. I was so tired of lying and having this hanging over my head all of the time. We are on a 2 month dry spell.

The truth hurts but I am tired of hurting him as well as myself with lies.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Thu, 09-27-2012 - 6:01pm
I'm not declaring victory, this is nothing but defeat and frustration. My libido tends to be LL, however since I turned 40 it has been increasing. However, I didn't turn towards my husband for release, only myself.

I don't know about the permanent teeth, DH heard bad things about them and wants to get dentures. I was pushing for permanents though :-(. Worst part is that he makes jokes about having no teeth, it makes me mad that he would let it get this far. He calls it old age, he's only middle age.

If he was not the way he is maybe I can be open to discovering my sexuality with him. He's the only man I've ever been with and I meant for marriage to be forever. I chose him because of his good health habits. He has abadoned that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Thu, 09-27-2012 - 5:47pm

... wonder what happened to all of the HLs. I was looking forward to hearing more opinions from them. If I were you, I would want to know that the stance I have taken was based on reality. What signs are there that your libido is otherwise healthy, independent from these complaints about your H? Also, permanents are an option for his lost teeth and there is no weight gained that cannot be lost. Yet, it seems that you have declared victory despite the red flag being thrown with unanswered questions still out there.

Think abou it... if it was just your libido preventing you from wanting sex with him, wouldn't that only be fair to understand that about yourself and communicate it to him instead of all these distractions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 09-27-2012 - 2:11pm
Dwifey,

I know what it is like to need to vent a bit. Go right on ahead, some of us are "here." And look on the bright side, even if you didn't get a lot of response from HLs like you'd hoped, at least you didn't get completely unhelpful troll responses like what sometimes happens to me;-?

I understand what you mean about appearance affecting your desire. I don't have that problem, but behaviors definitely affect my libido. Unfortunately some people don't understand that libido is affected by these factors. I'm guessing part of the reason for that might be that their libido is more "static" than ours, or else isn't affected by the things ours is, so it doesn't make any sense to them that ours are.

I will repeat my earlier comment, is there any way you could convince him to go to counseling with you? I don't see much help for your situation outside that. If you aren't really looking for that kind of help but merely venting, that's cool too. I understand. Hang in there, hon!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2005
Thu, 09-27-2012 - 2:09pm

I think the HL's probably make the distinction here between inherent LL versus just not being attracted to someone. For the latter, there is little one can do without some sort of renaissance to the relationship - it's not really anything to do with native libido.

From a practical standpoint, what about some permanent bridgework? Would that solve the denture issue?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Thu, 09-27-2012 - 1:33pm
Sometimes I feel as if I'm barely keeping my head above water in this marriage. ML is a cruel joke, I'm so mad at DH for not listening to me years ago. He took it as nagging, sometimes I stopped because I hate repeating myself over and over. Sometimes he would quit, a month later he would be smoking again.
The man I married no longer exists, he has been taken over by a chain smoking HL who still wants me to treat him like the healthy stud I married. He doesn't make the connection between the smoking and the lack of sex. I'm still in shape, lost the pregnancy weight from years ago. I make sure to eat healthy and care for myself.

I just needed to vent, having a rough week. Hope I'm not offending anyone. I also don't mean to sound vain, but health and physical appearance does affect libido. Never thought we would be where we are today.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Thu, 09-27-2012 - 1:18pm
This thread is pretty quiet, wonder what happened to all of the HLs. I was looking forward to hearing more opinions from them.

Oh well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Thu, 09-27-2012 - 12:37pm

I congratulate you for being so honest with your dh!  It's hard...but sometimes, we need to hear the truth.  My dh has been "truthful" with me and it DOES hurt (mine are regarding characteristic flaws), but then I know what I need to do to change.  If he was never honest, I'd never know! 

At any rate, I hope you dh heeds your words and is committed enough to your marriage to make the needed changes.  Is this a deal-breaker for you?  I, too, would be grossed out kissing someone with no teeth.  My mom did though.  My dad lost all his teeth in his mid-thirties and they've been married 56 years! 

My dh didn't smoke when we met 4 years ago (he had quit for several years), but stress took it's toll (his 2 older sons are mentally ill drug users) and he started back up.  I was NOT happy because I HATE smoking and had no idea he had EVER smoked, have never BEEN a smoker and my first dh never smoked either.  But, by this point, I was already in love and decided, if he had quit ONCE, he could do it again.  Here we are 4 years later and he STILL hasn't quit...and he's had 2 aneuryisms in the meantime!  Unfortunately, he suffers depression as well, so the thought of dieing doesn't bother him and this is just something I live with.  I just try to make his life as happy as I can while he's still here.  :smileyhappy: 

Anyway, as for the kissing part...dh never even attempts to kiss me until he's brushed his teeth and put on cologne (I love the kind he wears), and he only smokes outside.  He still has all his teeth, but due to his health issues, he doesn't exercise and has put on probably 20 lbs. since we met.  He also suffers chronic chest pain due to nerve damage during a surgery 10 years ago, so often doesn't feel well.  I guess what I'm saying is that although our spouse may change over the years due to bad habits, does that change the person we fell in love with inside??  I'm 52 and don't smoke and am slender due to DNA, I still have the body of a 52 year old (and 4 kids), so my body is far from perfect (cellulite and saggy skin, spider veins, etc...)...and dh thinks I"m sexy!  I look in the mirror and think he's nuts!  So...I guess we reach a point where none of us have perfect bodies, but are happy we're just healthy.  Dh and I were 46 and 48 when we met, so are truly grateful to even HAVE each other especially since I almost lost him 3 years ago.  Luckily, dh and I are both HL, so our bodies may not be perfect, but we know what to do with them to make the other happy.  :smileyhappy: 

I'm kind of a newby here, so, I have to ask...what is "ML"? 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 11:56pm

HB, I know what you mean.  It would not mean instant sex gratification, at this point, it is too much damage done.  I don't like dentures, can't stand them.  Because at night, you have to take them out for them to be cleaned.  And I can't stand missing teeth in the mouth.

 

You see, he did not take heed to my concerns (keep yourself healthy), so it resulted in what we have now, ML.  At this point, it would be too little too late. It is like when the HL says, "Gee you used to be sooo much into sex in the beginning".  See, he was sooo healthy in the beginning.  Didn't smoke, didn't drink, totally healthy.  Then, we both started experimenting (smoking, drinking).  Only that I quit smoking completely (teeth started yellowing), he didn't.  I told him that I didn't like bad teeth, loved deep kissing and bad teeth turn me off.  He said, I will take care of this tomorrow.  Then tomorrow. Then tomorrow. 

He knew that this is a big thing for me, and how big.  He didn't think I was serious though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 7:06pm
Yep, he has the denial part going full throttle. He feels entitled to sex, regardless of what he does or doesn't do. I'm responsible for this because I was being the nice wifey, going along and enabling him. He pushed me too far with the complaints about our sex life. Now, no more of that. Things have to change.

The ball is in his court.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2005
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 4:19pm

Kudos for being forthcoming.

If my DW were to ever part with such a revelation it would be a relief to me. Like most HL's on here, I have tried all manner of things to make myself more attractive to my spouse, with little impact on the libido front. While I don't see myself in your husband, I will certainly allow for the fact I am not God's gift to the xx-chromosome set. If she were to simply say she doesn't find me attractive it would allow me to move on or at least try to address her concerns.

Actually, I think he is behaving exactly as one would expect when faced with the truth - stage 1 - shock and denial. Don't give up on it yet.

 

 

 

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