Writing It Down Helps

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2012
Writing It Down Helps
10
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 2:54pm

I was talking to my BFF today about this madness inside of me.  I read Create's post and Please's response and thought "yeap doing that." 

I have been in a funk for the past week.  Nothing has really changed in my A except AP now has all the control when it comes to sex.  He's the one who is coming to me when the "opportunity" arises.  Which I'll admit I wanted in a way.  I was tired of the one acting like a lunatic trying to set all of this up.  We talk when we see each other at our  houses but no text and no calls about us.  Yes I have gone 16 days without texting him or calling him about us!  Go me!!  Honestly, I haven't even brought us up and neither has he. I've given him the cold shoulder lately though, not really initating the talking and I can tell he's irritated by that.  It's my own self defense mechinism.  My problem as Pleases said is I can't make my heart understand what my mind already does.  So I was writing this to a friend of mine and I hope it will make some other's think about their situation and help them take back control.

I went into this A knowing that it was never going to be anymore than what it was.  I'll quote my AP as saying it is what it is.  In my mind I know it's an A, that we are friends, that we hook up to have sex and that we ended up caring too much for each other.  Me being a woman I become emotional and over analyze things and he pulls away to get things under control.  I have to remember to let it bet what it is.  There is never going to be a realtionship there, we are never going to go out on a date, or meet up at a hotel room, or even buy each other presents that isn't for the holidays (family thing).  My heart wants to romanticize it all.  Every little thing he does I want to break it apart, over analyze it and pretty much make a mountain out of a mole hill.  If he holds me a different way, or if he touches me a different way that must mean he loves me.  Maybe it does maybe it doesn't but what does it matter? Nothing is going to change the fact that we are not going to have a relationship outside of an A.  I know he cares and I should be happy with that.  If he calls it off, if he rejects me it shouldn't make me feel like no man wants me, I have a wonderful loving H at home that thinks I walk on water. 

 Otherwise what I've gotten to is all this drama that is going on is because my heart is projecting it and warring with my mind.  Until I can find that happy medium between my heart and my brain I'm never going to control this emotional roller coaster that I'm on.  I hope other's will find my insight helpful.  Just thought writing it down helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 5:48pm

I'm glad that writing it down has helped you & appreciate so much you sharing your thoughts.  When I read your last paragraph, I was thinking of the song by Jack Johnson:

Cause you and your heart
shouldn't feel so far apart
You can choose what you take
Why you gotta break and make it feel so hard

The problem for me isn't so much finding the balancing between my head and my heart, it's finding the compromise between my happy medium & his.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2012
Thu, 09-27-2012 - 9:57am
At first June he was gunning to see me, not really talk but see me. Like I said I've been kinda cold shouldered to him. Not on purpose but it was just my defense. I think he got the hint and hasn't really been around much. Neither have I. I did speak to him this morning after he said hello and we had a pleasant conversation.

Yes I would've contacted him by this time. I still do talk to him and we still do text every once in a while but it's nothing to do with us and more the kids or borrowing something. Otherwise I was texting him every day. As far as what triggered it, willpower. He wanted to slow down and I was bound and determined I was going to give that to him.