Find a Conversation
|Wed, 09-26-2012 - 4:10pm|
Hello, I need some advice. I am not a victim of abuse but I recent had a relationship with a woman that I believe is a victim. I just need some clarity on the patterns and what I might prepare myself for.
We met this past spring. I was getting out of a long term relationship, as was she. My relationship ended well, as friends. Hers ended badly. The previous BF was a chronic cheater (they lived together for 3 years) and often made up elaborate lies to cover his sexual activity. When she caught him in the act he would respond by yelling, insulting and blaming her. She never told me of any physical abuse so I don't know if that is in the picture. Most of his antics were the controlling, insulting type. He also often asked her to perform sexual acts that she was not comfortable with but she went along with because she wanted to please him. Finally, after being caught one last time he kicked her out on the street with no where to go. Fortunately, she had a friend that took her in.
She managed to take a few months away from him even though he spent considerable time begging her to come back and telling her he will change. He used the fact that she left a lot of her stuff at his house as a way to get her to come to his home. He refused to bring her stuff to her place but would only allow her to have things if she came to his house alone. It was a major cause of stress to her.
That is when we met. We both fell for each other and had a wonderful 1/2 year together. We often commented to each other about how lucky we were to have found each other. We were like an old married couple even though we were only together a few months. But the whole time we were together he would try to get her to leave me and come back to him. He worked on her for months and it caused her a lot of pain and conflict.
Then something happened... We hit a rough patch. We had a bit of a misunderstanding about something and over a period of 2-3 weeks we were both trying to sort through it. Then suddenly one night I got a phone call and she told me not to come to her place anymore. She seemed very upset but in a disappointed way not in an angry way. I respected her request and wrote her an email telling her how I felt about her and offered an apology. Four days later I received a reply email saying she had decided to go back to the ex. Her words were that she "loved him more than she had loved any other man" and that "she never stopped missing him" and that "she did things to him that she never talked about".
I waited a couple of weeks and wrote one last email. I basically told her I was sorry and that I wished her well. I also left the door open to her if her relationship turned sour again. I haven't heard from her since.
Now all my friends are telling me to expect a return from her. They are telling me to prepare for it because it is inevitable. They all say that abusive situations usually don't change and it's only a matter of time before the pattern repeats and she gets scared again. I'm actually kind of afraid of this happening. I love her still and don't understand what happened other than he was constantly manipulating in the background. All I can figure is that she decided to run back to something that was secure to her instead of dealing with the tough task of dealing with a misunderstanding.
My question to you is... What should I expect? A return or not? If she were to return is it worth my while to even consider putting myself in this place again? What should I prepare for? Is there anything I can do or should I do nothing and just walk away? My hope is that I don't get pulled in to this but you never know and I want to be ready both mentally and emotionally if it does happen.
Thank you in advance for any advice you can give me.