June to September Affair - I ended it
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|Wed, 09-26-2012 - 10:00pm|
I met Allen at work. We went on the road together for a work, got to know each other well and became close friends.
His wife was leaving him for another man (who apparently was a mutual friend). Off and on attempts at reconciliation proved fruitless. They sold their home, placed their children in another house, with the spouses taking turns individually staying with them while the other is at a shared apartment nearby. They rotate occupying the apartment on their off weeks.
I am on my 2nd marriage to a bi-racial male who has unresolved anger issues that surface daily/hourly/always in our marriage. The simplest of conversations are nearly always punctuated with exasperation, impatience or outright anger. He has been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
A few years ago, we entered a brief course of counseling with a therapist, which was abandoned (by him) soon afterward.
In June, Allen and I were on the road, had a beautiful dinner and returned to our hotel to kiss and make love for the night. It was wonderful and I thoroughly enjoyed it. So did he.
We continued to see each other at work (only occasionally as we both work remotely (we live 500 miles apart). He frequently texted me (daily), and his messages were beautiful and loving.
In July, we were both laid off from our jobs (new management), which effectively ended easy opportunities to continue see each other.
I joined a new company (a start-up/no salary) and in August attended an industry event 45 minutes from his home. He asked to meet me there - and he stayed with me overnight, spending another wonderful, tender, loving night in each others' arms. Clearly, we both needed each other and it was lovely.
From there, he began doing contract work for a new company and he reduced his volume of messaging me as often as he had been. when it was his turn to spend his week with the children, I might hear from him once, but I understood. I never pressured him, nor did he pressure me. Our communication was meant merely to be sweet, supportive and loving.
Two weeks ago, on a Saturday,, he wrote to me after no communication for a week and it was very nice; said he was thinking of me and fondly remembering our time together. He asked to speak with me over the phone the following Monday. We spoke, but it was nearly all about what he was doing on his project work and the children. It was not a satisfying call - and I suppose part of me wondered if he was trying to taper off our brief affair to its natural conclusion.
This feeling intensified and by midnight, I was wondering if things were ending. I could not sleep that night. I just had "a feeling". At 1:00 AM, I got up to write to him, to say I needed to leave our affair; that while our time together was very nice, it was not satisfying in the long run and that I needed to address my own marital problems. I asked him to stop any future communication.
It was the saddest thing I've done in a long time.
He wrote the next day/afternoon to say he was sorry and would respect my wishes.
I spent that day removing him from my phone and other contact lists. It feels like someone special died.
So, it's over and I am back to living without reprieve from my angry NPD spouse.
I returned to our therapist a few days ago, but all she told me was what I already knew - I could either stay and be unhappy the rest of my life, or leave for the great unknown, in hopes that my life, at age 52, will improve.
My therapist emphasized that life can be wonderful without a man, but in the same breath reminded me that we live in a world made for couples.
I have been numb and sad since then.
Part of me wants to reach out to Allen; to reconnect and start where we left off, but I can't right now. Perhaps in a year when things have settled in his life, but not now. It would be a mistake.
So, I've just been going through the motions in these days since, like everything is "normal."
Anyone else in a similar situation?