I'm new, looking for moms of grown kids

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
I'm new, looking for moms of grown kids
30
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 11:24pm

Hey everyone. I found this board while I was looking for a group to join who would understand my feelings about having my kids growing up. I've got to get some of this off my chest! First, my introduction:

My name is Erin. I'm 36. I'm married (second husband) to Ryan for almost 15 years. We have 5 kids, DS (20), DS (19), DD (15), DS (13) and DS (11). I'm a SAHM - I always have been, save for a few part time jobs. I live in Central California, and I homeschool my 15 y/o DD and my 13 y/o DS.

Both my 20 y/o and 19 y/o DS's live at home. They both work full time. My 19 y/o goes to school full time as well (12 units). My 20 y/o went to college 3 semesters, failed most of his classes, and decided he wasn't a "college guy".. so he dropped out and went to work full time. He's already the asst. mgr at a large mechanic franchise. He's doing very well. They are both heavily involved in ministry and volunteer a lot of their time.

So, this getting married thing... I need to talk to someone about it who gets what I'm saying. I absolutely ADORE my DIL-to-be. She and my son have been together 4½ years. She is really a good match for him. I've practically watched her grow up. I'm thrilled that he chose her. I probably would have chosen her myself if I'd had the option. but... and this is where I start to feel like a terrible person... I'm starting to get a little freaked out about my son getting married and leaving home. They've been engaged since Christmas Eve last year, so I've known it's coming, and I was doing really well with it. I didn't cry or even feel any twinge of sadness until about 3 weeks ago. I cried once, but then felt like a bad person because I really do love my DIL to be, and I don't want my sadness to reflecton how I feel about her. It's not her. At all.

See, I was 15 when I had my DS. It was me and him (and very shortly after, my second DS) against the world, to put it melo-dramatically (lol). I gave up my childhood to raise him. I don't know anything else but taking care of him (and my other kids of course). I've almost literally always been his mom. I keep telling myself that I'm still going to be his mom, our relationship is just going to change. That doesn't really make me feel much better. I also tell myself I'm not losing a son, I'm gaining a daughter-in-law. That helps a little, but it doesn't take the sadness away. Don't get me wrong, it's not a debilitating sadness. It's just this feeling in my heart... I don't know how to accurately describe it.

I had a dream the other night that my 19 y/o was a baby again. There was no point to the dream at all. I was just holding him and cuddling him. I was watching him smile and coo like infants do. I held him close to my chest and patted his back. I woke up feeling so... refreshed. So... content. It was like I got to hold my baby again. I don't know what my brain is doing. It must be sorting out some issues (lol).

So, I know that I don't know any of you here. I hope you don't mind me dumping all this out here on my first post. I tried to talk to DH about it the other night and he said that I needed to start working on letting go. That ticked me off, so I decided I can't talk to him about it. It's not a matter of letting go. I know he is a man now, and I respect that. I'm so very proud of the man he is. I'm proud of his decisions and his character. I trust that I've done my job and I know he will be ok. This is my first time. My oldest child. I just don't know how to do this yet.  

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 12:24pm

Yes it's hard to get a job when you're over 40 & don't have qualifications.  I think I'd look for something that doesn't require a 4 yr degree--something that would require maybe 2 yrs at most--and how about something in the medical field?  There are different things besides being a nurse if you can tolerate being around patients.  The family will want things to stay the same but your kids aren't babies--you have to be strong enough to tell them that this is something you are doing for yourself but will eventually benefit everyone--in one way by having a happy fufilled mom.  Yeah, they will groan when they have to picth in with some chores, but if you cave in and then do everything yourself that's not teaching them much except that the world revolves around them.  They can all do their own laundry, make their lunches for school & clean their rooms--if they don't get done, well they won't have laundry, a lunch or a clean room.  Your housekeeping standards will have to slacken a little too.  My friend has 5 kids--now they range in age from 23 to 6 (3 older from the 1st marriage & 2 young ones from the 2nd marriage).  When the young ones were still babies she went to college--4 years.  She started having babies as a teenager (surprise 1st pregnancy at 19), was very smart but never got the chance to go to college.  1st DH was abusive.  She graduated from college & started working in a hospital on weekends, doesn't do that any more and now she & her sister started their own medical billing agency.  She also writes a newspaper column.  Even back in the old days when I was in school, my mom decided to go back to school & got a certificate in library science.  She ended up working in a community college nursing dept. in their audio visual lab for many years.  Since she was an employee, she could go to college for free (another money saving idea--you can often do that with any job in a college)--she ended up getting her Assoc. degree when she was 65--not for work, but just cause she wanted to.  If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish it.  I think w/o any kind of training, unfortunately all you will get is minimum wage jobs & there's just a lot of competition for that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 12:26pm

My college roommate (RN student) brought home the dead cat to study it also--I told her there was no way we were going to have the dead cat in the room overnight so she hung it out the window.  I guess they no longer do that in nursing school since my DD didn't mention it--probably everything is just on computers now.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 10:30am

"coming home to find people on their butts doing whatever THEY wanted to do"

Was your dh one of those people sitting around? I think that getting the dh on board is key---together you present a united front to the kids so they do not get mixed messages about how things will be from now on. When the kids see that its not a divide and conquer situation they usually fall into line, although probably not without whining.

It may take a lot of lobbying to get dh on board, especially if right now you are his "personal assistant", but usually when they can be made to see how in the long run it takes some pressure off of him to provide AND provides a safety net for the family in case anything happens to him or his job they decide that its a good thing. So deciding how to "market" the plan to dh is important.

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