Long Distance BF Has ‘Other Plans’ On His One Night Off??? WTF??

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2012
Long Distance BF Has ‘Other Plans’ On His One Night Off??? WTF??
6
Thu, 09-27-2012 - 10:53am

Been talking to/seeing a really nice guy for the last few months. He contacts me throughout the day every day. We’ve both said we’re looking for a real relationship and not just some kind of friendship or even FWB, so we're taking it slow. Seeing each other has been difficult, though, because we live an hour apart and have hectic schedules (plus he has a second job on weekends).  So we’ve basically only seen each other once or twice a month.

What I’m asking is:

A)     How much of an obstacle should an hour’s distance present? (I mean, I’ll drive an hour for a ten-minute appointment, but maybe it’s a REALLY big deal for him?)

B)      Why, after saying it’d be worth it to try, that if we really want to we’ll find a way, etc., is he having such a lack of imagination? (Every date doesn’t have to be a whole night or weekend; what’s wrong with a movie on a Sunday afternoon or a burger on a Thursday night?)

C)      If he wants to see me/be with me so bad, why did he say he had “tentative” plans (which obviously didn’t include me) for the one night he had off in several weeks?

D)     If it seems like he’s ditching me, why does he keep contacting me, being caring and saying he wants to be with me and make it work, etc???

E)      Am I expecting too much/the wrong thing/the wrong way? Why am I so upset about the “tentative plan” thing?

Disclaimer: I limited myself to telling him how sad I was to think we wouldn’t be able to see each other for a month, didn’t ask where he was going or what he was doing (even though he usually always tells me what’s going on), and have tried to keep the conversation light and enjoyable. But, I am really kind of upset…I don’t want to start getting angry about things I may be misinterpreting. Everyone tells me he really likes me, and I think we could make a good try at something nice, but something about this sticks in my craw and if we can’t resolve it, I don’t know if I can get past it.  HELP!!

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2012

I agree completely with you...in fact, we had a nice talk this weekend and worked out some better solutions for both finding ways to see each other and communicating more effectively. If anything, this turned out to be a good thing that happened because it made us realize that we will have to strive harder to make this work (and that we want to!). And, yes, now that you mention it, why ARE all the guys on the other side of town?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2012

Too me, a long distance relationship isn't an hour away!  But yes, that is me!  The man I am currently seeing, and the two previous, each lived an hour away. Because of where I live, I think most men live an hour away!  For the first man, he also had to commute to work, in the opposite direction.  I didn't mind going to his place and staying there. I think that was too much for him.  Meant I was around/in his life a lot more than I think he was ready for. For the second man, it was a pain in the ass. He was good about coming here to my place, but he had a busy life and after a while, I seemed to be just another obligation.  Now I am dating yet another man an hour away!  (Why there are none closer to me, I can only wonder why!).  He is happy to come to my place, but I generally go to his. I happen to love where he lives.  Not a bad drive to work. I hate commuting to work, but don't mind to be with someone I care about. It does have its draw backs. Hard to keep up with the things I need to do here and I am packing constantly to stay at his place.  I think the difference is, we want to be together.  Our lives are similar in terms of how we spend our time, we enjoy each other's company and he is willing to come here. It's 50/50.  Or close to.  

I had started a LDR with a man who lived 8 hours away. That was a problem. How to build a relationship with 2 different lives that never cross?  I really liked him, and we could talk and talk.  Disappointing to think that there might be "that person" for you, but distance is the issue.  

I think, when 2 people want to be together, they will both make an effort.  It doesn't matter if you live 5 minutes away or 50 or miles.  Yes, he has friends and things he likes to do, but how willing is he to incorporate you into his life or vise-versa?  

Just my 2 cents! 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2012

Also very good points, sadly...but although I could conceivably find a more "convenient" guy, this is the one I'm into, lol. The neat thing is, what you say makes sense and makes a good starting point for sitting down and having a conversation about how to work things and what to expect, if that's where we decide we're headed. It's just still so early on, which is probably why we're still learning to communicate effectively with each other. Thanks for your take on it, I will have to really think about this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010

An hour each way does add up--particularly if he works two jobs with long hours. Anyway, good intentions aren't always enough to make things work.  With him having so little time, I don't see things getting better. He will continue to have tough choices to make about every spare minute. Let him go and look for a guy who lives close to you and/or has more time for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2012

Thanks for your reply (and for the opportunity to vent!). You make some really good points. I'm thinking that there are a few things involved here. The fact that it's probably just a bad choice of words and bad timing, the fact that I'm probably projecting from a past BF who really WAS a jerk that way(lol), and the fact that we're growing closer and I'm getting scared so I might be looking for reasons to ditch.

I will mention it, lightly, but I will try to be more proactive about finding ways to make it easier to be together. Also, like you said, it may just be that he simply doesn't see it the way I do because I'm very used to commuting long distances with no problem--he may really think it's a bigger deal than I do.

Well, I just wanted some perspective, thanks a lot, I feel better!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Dija72 wrote:

Been talking to/seeing a really nice guy for the last few months. He contacts me throughout the day every day. We’ve both said we’re looking for a real relationship and not just some kind of friendship or even FWB, so we're taking it slow. Seeing each other has been difficult, though, because we live an hour apart and have hectic schedules (plus he has a second job on weekends).  So we’ve basically only seen each other once or twice a month.

What I’m asking is:

A)     How much of an obstacle should an hour’s distance present? (I mean, I’ll drive an hour for a ten-minute appointment, but maybe it’s a REALLY big deal for him?)

I know people who commute an hour a day for work and I know other people who think driving 20 mins. to go anywhere is too much.  Just examples--my mother and my BFF live an hour away from me.  I try to see my mom every other weekend.  My friend & I could actually go months w/o seeing each other due to family commitments, other things going on and suddenly it's been a long time.  I generally wouldn't see her on a week night when we both have to go to work.  I would not date someone who lived an hour away because it would be too much of a pain in the neck.  I know we wouldnt' end up seeing each other during the week (unless he was the one driving).  Not to mention that your BF works 2 jobs so he doesn't even have the normal free weekends that most people have.

B)      Why, after saying it’d be worth it to try, that if we really want to we’ll find a way, etc., is he having such a lack of imagination? (Every date doesn’t have to be a whole night or weekend; what’s wrong with a movie on a Sunday afternoon or a burger on a Thursday night?)

Have you suggested these things?  What does he say in response?  Do you take turns driving or are you willing to drive to where he is if you only can only see each other for an hour or 2?  It seems to me that if you make the suggestions for meeting & you're willing to drive & he still says no, he's not that interested.

C)      If he wants to see me/be with me so bad, why did he say he had “tentative” plans (which obviously didn’t include me) for the one night he had off in several weeks?

Maybe he has a chance to see friends he hasn't seen in a while or do something that he really wants to do and it has nothing to do with you.

D)     If it seems like he’s ditching me, why does he keep contacting me, being caring and saying he wants to be with me and make it work, etc???

E)      Am I expecting too much/the wrong thing/the wrong way? Why am I so upset about the “tentative plan” thing?

Disclaimer: I limited myself to telling him how sad I was to think we wouldn’t be able to see each other for a month, didn’t ask where he was going or what he was doing (even though he usually always tells me what’s going on), and have tried to keep the conversation light and enjoyable. But, I am really kind of upset…I don’t want to start getting angry about things I may be misinterpreting. Everyone tells me he really likes me, and I think we could make a good try at something nice, but something about this sticks in my craw and if we can’t resolve it, I don’t know if I can get past it.  HELP!!

You know, sometimes people have an idea that they want to do something but the reality of actually doing it gets in the way.  When my friend started working at a job with a long commute she thought it wouldn't be that bad, but she didn't even last 6 months--not only did she hate the driving, but it was like they didn't even take a lunch break & there were other things she didn't like which she didn't know until she actually did the job.