I want out

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
I want out
Thu, 09-27-2012 - 11:40am

So I have a 24 yr anniversary next month that I do not want to celebrate.  Looking back now, I realize that my husband has had depression as long as I've known him.  I have talked to him throughout the years about getting treatment but he doesn't want to go on medication because he saw how his mother turned into a pill factory & still wasn't normal.  He is also an alcoholic.  Was laid off from his job and unemployment ran out a year ago.  His retirement savings is gone.  We are fortunate enough to have family help us with house payment.  However, I reached a breaking point in July with his drinking.  He disrespected me one too many times and crossed the line.  Right then and there I knew it was done.  We had family things going on so I did not confront him at the time.  However, one month ago I did.  I had bags packed for me & son in the car & his bag sitting in the kitchen.  I told him he needed to go to treatment & had a placed picked out.  After telling him how he disgusted me and leaving the room, he agreed to go to treatment.  However, I had been trying to get in touch with the treatment center & was unable to until 4 days later.  By that time he had begged me to give him another chance, didn't know things were that bad, and he actually did quit drinking.

A month later he still hasn't drank.  However, I still want out.  He still has mental issues that aren't being dealt with.  I was able to get him to a counselor last week, thinking the appt is for an acessement, we need to get him in-patient treatment, but he only went because he told me he would & was pretty closed lipped so the counselor just said he seems down and thinks he should see someone even if it isn't him.  My big worry is that he will hurt himself if I leave.  His brother committed suicide when his wife left, and he has made comments twice about it.  I know I can't blame myself if he does hurt himself, but I need to make sure I am doing everything I can to get him the help he needs before I leave.  I need to do it for him, his family (who I adore), our son, and my peace of mind.  But that is also very tiring.

Our communication is very limited and not at all comfortable.  I don't even feel like I know him anymore.

Any suggestions how to handle?  Do I just tell him I want out & call 911 when he makes threats?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2012
In reply to:
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 4:31pm

After 24 years, if you haven't given your all, I don't know what your "all" would be.  Love, when it's unconditional, is about content and not form.  The form of a relationship (whether married or divorced) is not what matters.  It's the love and mutual respect, the content of the relationship, that counts.  If you feel it's right in your heart to leave, it's time to leave.  The only thing you want to be sure of when you do leave is this: never abandon someone when you're leaving.  People use all kinds of tactics to leave relationships in a copout kind of way.  If you do decide to go, leave the relationship with the dignity, respect, and love you went into it with.  That's all you can do.  Remember: change is a personal choice.  So long as he doesn't choose change for himself, there's no way for you to do that for him.  His happiness is up to him... and your happiness is up to you...