How to Break it to H?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2012
How to Break it to H?
Thu, 09-27-2012 - 1:32pm

So what is the best way for me to break things to my H that I want a divorce and how should I go forward from there? 

We already had the conversation once back in June.  That conversation was completely unplanned.  We were on a family vacation and while I had already made the decision that I wanted to divorce I had not planned to say anything until after the vacation.  We were there with my parents, DS, and DSD.  H forced the issue after he went snooping through my purse and found my therapist's business card.  H asked for time to try and change and for us to work things out. 

I am now approaching the end of that time and I still want to go forward with a divorce.  How do I break it to him this time?  I am 90% sure he won't do anything physically to me, but there is still that 10% that has me worried.  Also, I will be the one leaving the house to go live with my parents and I plan to take DS with me.  I guess I am also asking for advice on how I should logistically do things?  Should I pack up everything when H is out of the house?

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Thu, 09-27-2012 - 2:04pm


Before you say or do anything you need the advice of an experienced divorce attorney. If you don't have one, get one. It's very important you understand your legal rights and responsibilities before you pull the trigger. That way you won't be blindsided by ignorance of your state's divorce laws. For example, you say you will take your child to your parents. Ok, it might one thing if they live a few miles away; it's another if they live out-of-state. You need to know not only if you can take your child with you when you leave the maritial home but how far away can you take them? (In some states it's a 100 miles, for example). If your parents live on the other side of the country you might be out of luck to go to your parents with your child.

That's why an attorney is absolutely essential.

You'll also need to collect and copy documents like: tax returns, bank statements, loan agreements, insurance policies, retirement accounts, bills (credit cards), birth certificates, SSN cards, and more. Many people have left in the heat of the moment and failed to have this information and then been shocked when they're soon to be EX won't let them have access to the home or this information   - or it gets destroyed.

Lawyer first.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2012
Thu, 09-27-2012 - 2:53pm
Thanks wisdomtooth! My parents live 5 miles away so I hadn't really thought about the legal aspect. I have talked to a couple of lawyers about most things but never thought about that one. I will definitely do that before I pull the trigger. And I am going to start making my copies per your suggestion and several all people's here.
Avatar for happyasme
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Thu, 09-27-2012 - 8:29pm
If you are 10% worried he may turn physically violent, I would call a woman's shelter to establish a safety plan so you and your child can leave safely. They are a great free resource.

You can plan with your lawyer and bailiff not to home when he gets the D papers, maybe even have a trusted common friend if you thing he may start breaking things, or other scary behaviour.