15 year old son won't do anything for mom's birthday
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| Thu, 09-27-2012 - 6:49pm |
Hello:
I'm so at a loss. My fifteen year old son, who can be very loving and sweet, but also surly and distant, refuses to do anything to recognize his mom's 50th birthday. He says "she won't care" which I am hearing as "it sounds like a lot of effort." I've told him that I am having a hard time understanding why he does not think his mom will care - her two stepdaughters (my daughters, who she has been around for over 20 years and with whom she has relatively close relationships) aren't able to make her party - one just moved to Seattle (we are in Sacramento) and the other made plans before we knew there was going to be a party. I know my wife understands but she also feels a bit hurt. Now, our son (Max) has a conflict because his very best friend is going camping for his birthday with their group of friends. He was ok with staying home when we first discusssed it - but when I brought it up to his mom, she insisted that he go with his friends - it is not the kind of opportunity that arises often and her party is being put on by work friends (and me) and she - without a hint of martyrdom - really thought he should go with his friends.
So - I've been asking him to come up with something he can do or make for her and he has now made it clear that he does not plan on doing anything. I'm angry and dissapointed. We have bred such a sense of entitlement into him.
And now he is asking me to take him to a store and pay for a present for his friend. We've always done that in the past but I really don't feel like helping him out with a present for his friend if he is not willing to put any effort into recognizing his mom's birthday.
But, I also feel strongly that if I MAKE him do something - either using consequences/incentives or guilt - it would be for all the wrong reasons.
I'm completely at a loss (I guess I already said that). He has a somewhat rocky relationship with his mom, but it still has plenty of good moments. I love him to death, but feel like we have created a sense of entitlement that is not serving him- or us - well.
Phillip
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My kids both live far from me and don't mail me cards or gifts for my bday but they do call with time for a long chat.
I think you have some unresolved divorce and remarriage-related issues with your dd's? That may have something to do with why they act the way they do.
I also have the benefit of both kids having worked in retail so I would get something from whatever store DD worked in in the past (Marshalls, Pier One) or where DS works now (Old Navy). DD is good at picking out gifts since we have the same taste.
Well, I don't think it's luck, or magic. My kids are 28 & 31, and they give me, dh, and each other, gifts and cards for every special day. Even when YDD was 900 miles away, we sent each other cards & gifts. They're not always expensive, and sometimes they're handmade, but they are from the heart. But this is our family dynamic. We do the same for them, and for each other, and have from the start. We did the same for our parents and siblings. And it's not just holidays and birthdays either. We talk to each other, and do small kindnesses for each other, and our extended families, all the time.
If your kids grow up seeing that Mom and Dad love and remember the Grandmas & Grandpas, their aunties and uncles, as well as each other, and they are taught to do the same from the first finger-painted card, by the time they are on their own, it will just come naturally.
Wow, Music...you're really lucky and obviously (and I've said it before) did something right in parenting that I did not. On my last birthday, I got Happy Birthday texts from all 4 of my DDs (that's all they said..."Happy Birthday"). Phone calls or Skyping would have been nice, but no.
DD28 DID once send me a gift and I was shocked but that was a one time only deal. Don't know what I got into her.
<they won't be bothered getting him Christmas gifts>
We seriously considered doing that one year when my kids were being really awful. But I realized that it would likely spoil MY Christmas as well, I decided that Chrsitmas and birthday gifts shouldn't be tied in to behavior, and I knew that I would probably cave in on Dec 23 then have a heck of a time trying to shop!
There are so many things that we do for our kids on a regular basis that they take for granted. Its partly our fault---we do them selflessly because we love the kid and we feel like its what a "good" parent is supposed to do. The things like taxi-ing them around or coughing up $$ for driver's training or making a point to buy their favorite snack foods are, as Sabr suggested, good places to start demonstrating to the kid how much we do that they don't notice but will certainly miss when we stop doing it.
<<<Honestly, though, if mom is ok with him not being at the company party, let it go>>> I'd let that part go, too. Plus, if he's that big a PITA, chances are he would sulk and ruin the atmosphere for everyone else. However, his mom's birthday is 24 hours long. Lots of time to show her he loves her, and CAN be bothered to do something to celebrate her special day.
However, if he can't be bothered, then if *I* were these parents, I would similiarly not be bothered. I would not bother to do his laundry, or clean his room. He is certainly old enough to do that for himself. I would not bother to pay for his cell phone service, or tablet data plan. I would not bother to give him pocket money. I would not bother to drive him to see his friends. I would not bother to get him drivers ed. I would not bother to take him for his license. And I would TELL HIM UP FRONT, that I am not going to go out of my way for him. At all, anymore, unless he makes a SUSTAINED 360 in his attitude.
And definitely have him do some work (raking, garage cleanup, window washing, window sill cleaning, etc., not normal chores) to earn the money for his friend's gift; don't just get it for him - he's old enough to earn that.
Honestly, though, if mom is ok with him not being at the company party, let it go - I know I wouldn't expect my ds to show to something like that, esp if he had a more fun alternative, as there likely won't be other kids there. But maybe you as a family could do something separately with both mom and ds, not necessarily on that date, as just a nice dinner for her or something, so you'd all be together. in honor of her birthday.
Sue
Do NOT buy a gift for the friend. Your son is beyond old enough to get a gift for his own friend. The birthday was not a surprise. Your son has known for a YEAR, what day it would be on. If your son shows up and expects to be taken on a trip WITHOUT a gift or card in his hand, then it is HIS embarrassment, not yours. This is just the first in a long list of natural consequences that your son needs to experience, to grow into a decent adult.
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