I feel so emotionally disconnected from my bf since he brought up a new coworker. Help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2012
I feel so emotionally disconnected from my bf since he brought up a new coworker. Help.
13
Thu, 09-27-2012 - 7:52pm

I've been dating my bf for almost 7 months now. This is my first "real" relatinoship even though I'm almost 26. I've come to realize that I have a pattern of breaking up with people too easily because I'm scared they would dump me if I stay with them too long. Initally, I fought my urges to break up with my current bf the first few months of dating. And then one day, 2 months into the relationship, out of nowhere, he broke up with me (that's when I found out he had the same "issues" I did).

Anyway, we made up. Since then things have been great. We get along great, we're never jealous, we almost never have a serious fight even though we're constantly in touch with each other.... right now I'm going through an extreme amount of stress (work related) and work a lot of hours. My bf is extremely supportive. He works a lot as well. The thing is, he has this new coworker who I've noticed he has high regard for. It never worried me before. Yesterday he said something about her, and something just snapped in my head. All of a sudden I just don't feel too comfortable in my relatinoship anymore. I feel like I'm back to my "run from the relationship" phase and I can't bring myself to feel connected to my bf anymore. We spoke yesterday and today, and I just couldn't bring myself to joke around like I normally do and the conversation was so "stoic" almost. Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry with my bf. Not at all.

A part of me almost felt like he was talking about her to make me jealous. A part of me thinks I'm reading too much into all of this. But at the end fo the day, all I can think of is "what am I doing? He's only going to break up with me in the end". From the things he's told me, I know that he normally only dates tall women (he made it a point to mention that the last girl he was in love with was 6 feet tall) - and I'm super short. He has told me that he likes it when I wear heels cos it makes me taller. These things didn't bother me all that much at first, but since this coworker came into the picture, all of a sudden I'm so insecure. I feel like he's settling for me because I give him emotional safety and I'm there when he needs me.

He hasn't told me he loves me yet (even though I've told him once that I do). He shows in more ways than one that he loves me. In a way I know he loves me. But at the same time, I'm not quite that sure.... how can I make myself feel connected with him again? Please don't tell me to stop being jealous and just deal with it, because it's not that easy - there are so many walls right now that I can't make myself feel connected with him and I can't help speaking to him like I would talk to a stranger. I'm sure stress from work is only amplying all of this and I'm also feeling a little down. I know I should talk to him about it. But I don't want to say the wrong thing. Please advice. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I think recognizing that you have an issue at least helps you deal with it.  I also think it depends what he said about the coworker.  Did he say something like "Wow, this new girl Amy is really smart--she solved a problem we had at work with a customer very fast"--or did he say "wow, this new girl Amy at work is really pretty & I love the way she laughs and we go out to lunch together all the time now."  I think anyone would be kind of getting a red flag if it was something like the 2nd thing but throughout life everyone you are with is going to have female coworkers or other people they have to interact with--you just can't be jealous of every woman the guy comes across in life, nor can you go through life & relationships worried all the time that someone is going to dump you.  Sure it might happen--there are no guarantees, but if it does you'll survive.  Since you're 26, you must have a job--do you go to your job every day worried that your boss is going to fire you for no reason or do you think that if you do the best job you can it's unlikely that you are going to be fired--even if people do their best, sometimes they do get fired because companies might not make money & they might lay off a bunch of people (sorry to add to your work stress).  But you are only going to sabotage your relationships if you keep looking for a way out or try to break up with the person before they have a chance to break up with you.  You said it yourself--you get along with him great, you don't fight, he's really supportive--so why not remind yourself of that when you get nervous?  And I'm sure he could find other tall women to date if he really wanted to--the fact that he normally dates tall women doesn't mean that he's going to drop you cause you're not tall--I'm sure he noticed that you're short already.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Why does he say he only dates tall women? If that's what he's normally attracted to and he really likes it when you wear heels, then maybe you need to come right out and ask him if he's attracted to his co worker because she's taller than you. What exactly did he say about her that made you upset?
Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
I also would like to know what exactly he has been saying about her. Our best answers to you would depend on his words. If he is gushing about how hot she is or something, well that's a problem. If it is more job related, then it doesn't sound so bad. However if he brings up job related stuff with her constantly then that could be a problem.

I think it would be best to speak to him about this. I know you said you are worried about saying the wrong thing, but so what? If you can't really talk to your partner about issues and feelings that you have, then how are you ever going to get through the tough stuff? If he can't handle a bit of an uncomfortable conversation with you now, then isn't it better to know that now so you can probably move on to a more compatible guy in the future? I don't think you will come off sounding like a jealous wacko by simply expressing your insecurities to him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2012

I realized that it wasn't the co worker that was the issue. In general, throughout the relationship, I've felt like something was lacking. On one of our first few dates, when we briefly went over our ex's, he said when mentioning his last girl (let's call lher tall-chick) "do you know how tall she was? She was 6 feet.". He rarely says insensitive things like that - and that was probably the last insensitive thing he ever said to me. Tall-chick was one of his coworkers in the past that he had a fling with, but she kept leading him on for a year and a half and then finally rejected him. He met me 3 months after the final "rejection". 

Anyway, since then I've always kind of wondered if he was (and will always be) stuck on that tall-chick. I've never brought her topic up to him until last week. Today I asked him if he thinks there was something missing in our relationship and if his feelings for me are strong. He said he cares about me very much, but he said that maybe he doesn't feel for me, all the things that he felt for tall-chick, and he doesn't know if it's too soon to feel that in our relatinoship - he also said that maybe he feels that way about tall-chick because she kept rejecting him (which in all likeliness is true). He said he knows he definitely cares about me a lot (which is obvious from all the things he does for me and all the ways he's there for me). But I constantly feel like he's settling for me. I've felt that way from the start and it's not a good feeling. He asked me if he should think about what I asked him (about whether he thinks there's something missing in the relationship). I told him that maybe we should take a break because it's not the kind of question for which you have to evaluate to come up with an answer. It wasn't an agitated conversation at all because we're both pretty calm people. So this was more like a "talk" than a "fight". I told him that maybe it's a good idea for us to take a break.

Is the fantasy "love" feeling all that it is cracked up to be? I know what he means about tall-chick, because I think the way he feels about her is the way I feel about my ex. My relationship with my ex had all the passion and "love" and everything else you could ask for - but as a perfect partner, he comes no where close to my current bf who is beyond amazing. I think the reason I feel like that "love" feeling is missing is because my bf isn't as passionate about expressing his feelings for me. I know it's not because of his personality that he doesn't express things that way to me - because one time I came across something he'd written for tall-chick. It was definitely very... verbose. It's the kind of stuff I could never even imagine him ever telling me.

Am I wrong in feeling like there's something lacking because he doesn't "love" me? Or is 7 months too short a time period for him to have real feelings for me? And is it too much to ask for that he be completely over tall-chick? :smileysad:

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
I don't think at 7 months, that one has to develop true love feelings, or there is a problem. I think for some people it can take longer than that. Depends on the person, depends on how much time you actually spend together. 7 months of spending all your free time together can bring a relationship farther along than seeing each other only on weekends, etc.

Let's see, so he met you 3 months after final rejection, plus 7 months together, thats 10 months. It can take some people longer then 10 months to be completely over a past relationship. I think yes it can definitely be harder to let go if he was the one who got dropped and he wasn't ready to get dropped. It leaves unanswered questions, unresolved feelings, etc.

Usually one can always find areas with your current partner where they are lacking in comparison to a past partner. Maybe not alot, maybe just a few or a couple, but usually something. Its not often you can say without a doubt that my current SO is across the board better than all my previous relationships. So maybe there is something or things that he liked better about tall girl, but probably he finds many more things better about you then her.

In the end you have to make the choice about what you need from your partner. Its possible that for all your BFs good points, he is just not what you really want. Maybe you want more passion and verboseness about his feelings. Its perfectly ok to have that on your gotta have list, and look for a find a guy who will give you that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2012

Well to be honest, he hasn't been bringing her up at all lately and it was me who brough her up last week. When asking about our relationship, I asked him how strongly he felt about me compared to how he's felt in the past. So I guess I brought that on myself - but I guess I wanted to know anyway.

When I asked him about how he felt about me, he told me he had very strong feelings for me and he just wants to please me, and that I'm his most favorite person in the world - but he said he feels for me in a different way - like he would feel for a friend. Throughout the relationship I guess I'd felt like he was holding back - I miss the little things in a relationship like my man telling me how beautiful I look or how much I mean to him - granted the sex is great and he's told me he finds me attractive and pretty, but it just never felt romantic or it never felt like he thought I was "beautiful" - I'm not sure if that makes sense. To me, he's the most handsome, good looking man in the world - and in my ideal relationship, I want to be all that for my man as well - I don't care about the rest of the world, but I want to rock his world. Plus, being thought of as a "friend" was a little hard for me to take after 7 months of dating and pretty much having each other's back through some really tough times during that time. I guess he doesn't see the "it factor" in me to fight for me or keep me around. I suggested we take a break, and he agreed that it's not fair to keep me "roped in". I guess that's that.... it was such an amazing relationship in every other way and we got along so well. If only he saw the "it factor" in me.... oh well...

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

I sense that there is some feelings on your part about yourself and how things are supposed to be.  Friendship is not to be underratted.  Great passion does not last long.  But if that is what you want to experience then go for it. 

Goldfish

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2012

O.K., let me get this out of the way first - I, personally, would never waste my time with someone who didn't feel passionate about me and could possibly feel as though he was "settling" for me. That's just a whole lot of craziness. There are SO MANY MEN out there and I'm fortunate enough to know my own value so never, ever, ever. That said, it sounds like your problem is compounded because you're prone to feelings of insecurity and inferiority where relationships are concerned so why would you expose yourself to these recurring doubts concerning how short you might seem to a man who prefers giraffes to bunnies? And I don't even want to hear the backlash from those people who are dying to say, "but wait, he's really supportive, yada yada yada". Life is about passion. People get divorced after 20 years because of a lack of it. You want it so badly you can taste it. So, maybe YOU'RE the one who's settling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2012

O.K., let me get this out of the way first - I, personally, would never waste my time with someone who didn't feel passionate about me and could possibly feel as though he was "settling" for me. That's just a whole lot of craziness. There are SO MANY MEN out there and I'm fortunate enough to know my own value so never, ever, ever. That said, it sounds like your problem is compounded because you're prone to feelings of insecurity and inferiority where relationships are concerned so why would you expose yourself to these recurring doubts concerning how short you might seem to a man who prefers giraffes to bunnies? And I don't even want to hear the backlash from those people who are dying to say, "but wait, he's really supportive, yada yada yada". Life is about passion. People get divorced after 20 years because of a lack of it. You want it so badly you can taste it. So, maybe YOU'RE the one who's settling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2012

Thank you for your response. I wish life was simple.....