I don't want to feel obligated to help his friends unpack after their move....

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
I don't want to feel obligated to help his friends unpack after their move....
7
Fri, 09-28-2012 - 2:55am

He's coming home for a visit next week.  The original plan was that we were going to the mountains for a couple of days and then going to proceed onto a road trip.  It was going to be just the two of us.  However, tonight he told me that his friend who is stationed over there with him explained to him that his wife told him she needed help getting settled.

The problem comes in that I've been dating him long distance and the last time I saw him was a couple of months ago.  Upon his urging he asked me to contact his friend's wife who was having her knee lasered.  I did call her and we agreed to meet up for dinner.  Now everytime the contact was initiated by me, I was calling or texting to check on her once daily.  I started to see a pattern that it was one sided, so I proceeded to back off, because I was doing it out of courtesy to my bf.

At some point, her and the bf spoke and joked that I was going to be busy with her, helping her to get settled and unpacked, while the bf and her husband were attending a mason's meeting.  I took offense, because every time I've been the one to initiate contact, not once has she picked up the phone to call or text me and then even to joke that I would be tied up with her helping her unpack and get settled. 

Now that happened a few weeks back.  Tonight he asked me what I thought about canceling our mountain trip and going over to help his friend and her wife unpack and get settled.  I told him that it sounded like his mind was made up and that was fine, as I had a lot to do anyways, because I'm moving this weekend myself. I didn't get to tell him that I am opposed to going over there to help them unpack, when I feel sort of odd. 

I did have a previous conversation with him when he asked me if I had spoken to his friend's wife and I mentioned that I had last called and left a msg and hadn't heard back.  He said that maybe I should try her again, to which I replied, I don't force myself down people's throats that way.  He said something about it being different now as we were family in his mind and they would have to see me as such.  I further explained that acceptance comes in time. 

I am feeling a bit frantic, because I pick him up from the airport next wednesday.  He'll be around until that Friday and then him and his friend will leave to attend a mason's meeting and won't return until that monday.  Then we will be here in this town and I feel he is anticipating that I will be with him the whole time while he's over there and wanting to ride motorcycles.  I don't mind motorcycles, but I'd rather opt to be doing it somewhere else and not to feel obligated to have to help his friends, when I will have to unpack and get settled myself. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011

This sounds like something that was made far more complicated because you simply did not speak up for yourself. If someone doesn't respond or put in the effort, then you tell your distance guy about that and also say that you're done with his friend unless there's more effort on that person's part. That is reasonable to say and stand by it. I'm guessing you're a silent people pleaser who then resents having to people-please when the other people can't read your mind.

The problem now is that he has an expectation that you're going along with things and if you say something now, then it appears you flip-flopped at the last moment. Taking a backstep from that for a moment, when people date, they see each other a lot in person - they see the good and bad, happy and ugly and things can either keep going or end much quicker based on how all that goes. Long distance stuff, in which you don't see each other for months, doesn't have the same reality as seeing someone in person regularly.

Seems like a concern that this guy hasn't seen you in months but his priority is not to do something special with you, but to take care of his friend. The lad doesn't sound all that juiced up about you. So I'm also guessing this relationship isn't all that you think it is.

So that in mind, I think you need to be honest with him, even at this point, that his friend hasn't responded and you need your own things to take care of. Besides, boyfriends should think of you first.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

>> Actually today he called me to tell me he added me to all of his vehicles and his insurance policy. That would be fine if we had discussed it, but the fact that we didn't and now he wants my driver's license number to give to his insurance agency. I told him I'd call him back when I wasn't furious. <<

pbe, I understand the issue about helping people who you're not close to move - but what did he do wrong here?    Is it that you never have and never will drive his car?

If you do drive his car, then it makes sense that he adds you to his policy as a driver.   As the owner of the car and the one who is liable for any accident, I don't see that there was need for him to discuss it with you.   Engagement has nothing to do with it - this is a matter of pure practicality.    Unless you'd prefer to never have the option of driving his car?