How Can I Make This Right??!
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|Fri, 09-28-2012 - 11:37am|
My M is awful. My H knows of the A and knows of the endless fishing attempts by XAP. My H, rightfully so, is angry. And that anger comes bubbling to the surface when we are argue about other things too, which we did last night.
My H has experienced several periods of unemployment in the past two years. A source of incredible stress, particularly for me. As you will recall, XAP has money, lots of “things” and a successful job. I have been working with my T on this “attraction” that XAP holds for me.
I act ugly and angrily towards my H about this whole job and money thing. It comes from a place of fear. We are living paycheck to paycheck. And I am afraid.
I feel that I am holding resentments towards my H for this. And I believe that he in turn, is holding resentment towards me for the A. He threatens to confront XAP. As you will recall, XAP CONTINUES to fish. Maybe that’s what is needed at this point. Maybe that will empower my H, make XAP go away for good, save our M.
I feel like we are worlds apart. We have been married almost 29 friggin’ years and it used to be great! Until I broke our vows, betrayed him and screwed everything up! I feel it is all my fault. And I CANNOT find it in me to support him these days. Because I am so angry….at myself, at my H , at XAP.
I LONG for the days when I was a supportive, faithful W. I long for the M I had! I am out of the A but I don’t feel like I’m a good W, at all! My H and I went through tough times before the A. But I never lost my faith…in him, or me, or us. And we were a team and overcame and did a lot of incredible things together.
Is that gone forever? Is my M over? I am typing this through tears this morning. I loathe my life these days…nothing seems to be working….
We have our second session of MC today…..pray for us.