How Can I Make This Right??!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
How Can I Make This Right??!
11
Fri, 09-28-2012 - 11:37am

My M is awful.  My H knows of the A and knows of the endless fishing attempts by XAP.  My H, rightfully so, is angry.  And that anger comes bubbling to the surface when we are argue about other things too, which we did last night.

My H has experienced several periods of unemployment in the past two years.  A source of incredible stress, particularly for me.  As you will recall, XAP has money, lots of “things” and a successful job.  I have been working with my T on this “attraction” that XAP holds for me.

I act ugly and angrily towards my H about this whole job and money thing.  It comes from a place of fear.  We are living paycheck to paycheck.  And I am afraid.

I feel that I am holding resentments towards my H for this.  And I believe that he in turn, is holding resentment towards me for the A.  He threatens to confront XAP.  As you will recall, XAP CONTINUES to fish.  Maybe that’s what is needed at this point.  Maybe that will empower my H, make XAP go away for good, save our M.

I feel like we are worlds apart.  We have been married almost 29 friggin’ years and it used to be great!  Until I broke our vows, betrayed him and screwed everything up!  I feel it is all my fault.  And I CANNOT find it in me to support him these days.  Because I am so angry….at myself, at my H , at XAP.

I LONG for the days when I was a supportive, faithful W.  I long for the M I had!  I am out of the A but I don’t feel like I’m a good W, at all!  My H and I went through tough times before the A.  But I never lost my faith…in him, or me, or us.  And we were a team and overcame and did a lot of incredible things together. 

Is that gone forever?  Is my M over?  I am typing this through tears this morning.  I loathe my life these days…nothing seems to be working….

We have our second session of MC today…..pray for us.

~Sunrise

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Fri, 09-28-2012 - 11:44am

Oh Sunrise, sweetie!  You have a lot on your plate right now.  Try not to be so hard on yourself.  Money troubles and a constantly fishing xAP is very, very stressful.

Talk to the MC about everything that is going on.  Maybe your H confronting xAP *is* a good idea.  I don't know, not knowing either of them but it is worth thinking about.

And, you didn't "ruin" your M all by yourself, I highly highly doubt that.

I hope you have a better day today angel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Fri, 09-28-2012 - 12:06pm

((((Sunrise)))))

I am saddened to see you so upset.  If you are just going to your second MC session, it's early in your therapy together...I have to think that with the guidance and support of a T...with each session...things will start to get better.  Initially, wounds are open and nerves are exposed, but over time, the wounds will heal.

I know both of you are feeling badly about yourselves.  For men, their work and the ability to support their family is the most important thing to them...and if they feel like they are letting every down, it's awful for them.  Please try to lift his spirits by being more supportive in this regard.  I know it's hard, but it's really important.  Sometimes you stepping up to the plate (even if you are faking it), can start the ball rolling towards forgiveness for both.  He will feel better about himself and, in turn, will hopefully want you to feel better about yourself.  And I think it is up to us to put more of an effort in...seeing as we were the ones who really dropped the ball. 

I hope others will weight in on my following idea.  I don't think it would be such a bad idea for your husband to come up on the fishing line the next time xAP tries to reel you in.  It'll send a very powerful message...that you and your husband are a united front. And I'll bet you anything that there not be another fish attempt....ever.

Don't give up hope, Sunrise...it's still early in both your healing and recovery with much to work through.  Patience will go a long way.

another (((hug))) for good measure

Clarity

 

 

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2011
Fri, 09-28-2012 - 12:50pm

Pulling for you, Sunrise. Your H and you both have a lot of pain to sort out. I'm really glad you're going to MC. Try to remember the person you married and why. Maybe then you can find a path back.

Bird

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2012
Fri, 09-28-2012 - 1:25pm

Sweet Sunrise~

Thinking and praying for you today.  

Love your heart:smileyhappy:

Sandy 

Avatar for happyasme
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Fri, 09-28-2012 - 1:35pm

Sunrise sweetie, I am sorry you are feeling like this, so here's a super big special {{{{hug}}}}.

You are facing so much.  Just keep in mind that men sometimes value themselves as the provider, the breadwinner.  All that's happened and happening is just making your H feel less manly in that department.  There are other departments where you can make your H feel manly. 

Please talk about all you are feeling and comfortable to share in MC.  As far as suggesting that H responds to xAP's next fishing attempt, trust your gut feeling.

more hugs

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2011
Fri, 09-28-2012 - 7:12pm

(((Sunrise))) it is so hard rebuilding a marriage after Dday and there are no easy answers. For me, one of the things I have really had to learn was my husbands journey is alongside mine but they are not the same. So what seems simple solutions such as 'if only he reframed his thoughts, stopped dwelling, stopped seeing it as an attack on him as a person etc or in the case of your H, got a job' to us may actually be to them 'how can I stop dwelling, how can I not take it personally, how can I front up to a job interview and put my best foot forward when I don't even know what that is anymore' (speculating here of course).

Your H has had one of the biggest blows to his manhood that a man can have. The shame he is feeling at not being enough for his wife is not any smaller then the shame you are feeling at your part for the breakdown of your marriage. I don't know about you but my shame flowed into every area of my life. When I started my new job, I had to battle feelings of inferiority as the shame was not very far from the surface and it took real efforts not to allow it to affect my performance and the way I interacted with others at work. Some days it is easy and other days it is harder.

I cannot imagine how hard it must be for my H on the days the feelings surface. It is a good day if he can just focus on work and not withdraw from me. So do you think your H's inability to find work may be due to the feelings of not being enough? It is so easy for us to see our spouses as extensions of ourselves and therefore treat them with the same contempt we feel for ourselves when we fail and I have certainly been guilty of that. If a friend went through what my H has, I would probably have shown more empathy for them and tried to understand their position a bit more then I did my H's. It has taken me a lot of persistance to remind myself that this is not just my journey and he is just along for the ride but his journey is his own and he deserves to have it treated as such. This means acknowledging my H is going to do things on his journey that I will not understand and will frustrate me but he deserves the same support and empathy that he has shown me and that I have shown others.

It is hard when our needs are not getting met and for most woman it is a very real need that their spouses are earning money and this is due to needing that feeling of security. So I am not saying that your need for your H to find a job should be dismissed by any means but I guess if it was my H and this has not been a pattern throughout our marriage, I would be wondering what the thought foundation currently is that could be impeding his ability to find a job. My H has been diagnosed with mild depression due to the A, he has never had depression and it has been very hard not to get frustrated with his lack of enthusiasm as that is just not part of his personality but I find when I dismiss how he is feeling by snapping at him or getting impatient at his lack of 'getting over it' because hey I have moved forward so why can't he?, he is more relaxed and is able to push through the bad days easier and he is slowly getting back into the things he enjoyed before Dday.

As for your disrespectful xap, maybe your H needs to be the one to tell him where to go. Has your H wanted to but you stopped him? If so, I can understand that as I wanted to protect my H, xap, xap's fiance and myself when H wanted to confront xap when it all first came out. Now H wouldn't bother giving him the time of day even to vent at him but if xap ever fished, there would be no holding him back and I wouldn't even try.

Sunrise, you can't change what has happened and from the sounds of it, you are still beating yourself up about it which is normal although not healthy. Do you think that maybe it is easier to focus on your H's shortcomings then to continue to have to deal with the neverending emotions that arise from looking at your own actions during the A? If so, you are not alone by any means. It is always easier to focus on other's behaviour and choices then face our own but it is not healthy or helpful. I have found when I just take responsibility for my thoughts, choices and actions and focus on my own healing while being empathetic of my H's journey without trying to control his thoughts, choices and actions, our marriage thrives. When I start wanting to control his choices, moods and behaviour our marriage quickly spiral's and vica versa. Letting go won't be easy especially due to the uncertainty of finances but maybe it you try not to bring it up and to just love, love, love him then that may give him a safe space to start sifting through his own journey so he can start rebuilding his confidence to make the choices he needs to.

(((HUGS)))

 

The core of who you are is not always obvious to everyone. But to believe what others may believe of you can cause you to deny yourself, the wonders, of who you really are.
Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Sat, 09-29-2012 - 9:20am

One of the biggest problems a betrayed spouse has is getting over the broken trust issue.  Regaining trust, is part of the bonding.  As long as he feels that he cant trust you, and it's certainly easy to understand why he feels like that with the continued fishing going on.

You haven't SHUT DOWN your AP. WHY??? There is fishing and then there is fishing.  This has been going on far too long for him to not know that you aren't interested.  Or.....are you?  Why haven't you shut him down completely?  What keeps you from doing it?

You can embarrass him just once and he will never be back.

I know your journey has been long.  It has been hard. A lot of us have been there, done that. At some point you have to show your H that you are committed to him.  His thinking could very well be that he doesn't get that feeling. No feeling, no trust. No trust, no healing.

Why else would the fishing be going on?  What have you really done to end it?  Have you kept those ties to him for a "just in case"?

These problems with money and employment are just part of life, your life. Tough as it may be to accept. You bought into it when you stayed with H before AP.  They existed before. It is what it is. They will be there down the road. Commit to them, and fixing them. Two people can make a go of it, if they are committed.

I am from the school of thought that it is a man's responsibility to provide and take care of, but it also has to be a partnership, and if the roles are reversed, then so be it.  Are they worth it?  Is your H this type? It may never be the way you want. Are your ready to end it for that?

I am not picking on you, only stating the obvious. 

How committed are you?  What are you committed to?  

I hoping you answered "a lot" and "me".   Taking care of you will take care of everything. 

I am pulling for you, it's a journey along a rough road. MC is a strong start, but it all falls into your lap and what you do with it.  You are responsible. You have to be committed.

Rather.... 

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 11:18am

Good morning all.  It is difficult for me to find time to post on the weekends.  But I do read.  And I thank you all for talking to me. 

Rather, I appreciate what you brought up regarding commitment.  And, maybe there IS a reason that I have not completely cut AP loose.  Can’t imagine what that is though.  I really can’t.   I don’t particularly like him, he is clearly engaging in his life with his W, I don’t respect him, etc.  I need to really confront myself on this.  What is holding me back from cutting XAP out?  For good?  And when I say for good, that means no more fishing attempts.  Because that is ALL there is left between XAP and I.  Our lives’ paths no longer cross for any reason, we don’t talk or share anything, we don’t see each other.  There is nothing left….except for the fishing attempts on his part to get me to talk to him.  And I never respond.  WHY would someone continue to try to make contact when the other person never responds???  Has this become some sort of a GAME for him??? 

And, yes, our money and employment issues have been there since we were married.  I knew that going into the marriage, 29 years ago.  I knew that the industry that my H is in (construction) was going to be like this.  But he is good at it and he loves it.  And we have had our challenges. 

But I didn’t used to be this “tired”.

During MC Friday, our T observes that I am just tired.  Worn out; tired of being the driving force in our M, our children’s lives, our life.  I need my H to help steer the ship for a while.  I’m worn out.  But, with all that being said, I am also controlling and have assumed that role, from early on.  I have taught my family that I will take care of everything.

But, having an A was a piss poor way to deal with “being tired”.  TOTALLY STUPID.  This A has taken so much away from me.  Where did I go??? 

RTMO, you hit some things dead on.  Yes, I am still beating myself up.  And, yes, my H has wanted to confront XAP.  He actually did years ago early on in this mess.  Told him to stay away from me.  Of course, that didn’t happen.  XAP continued to pursue and I continued to say okay.  My H is very, very angry.  We had angry words yesterday and he admitted that he just wants to stay angry.  I think he’s been angry for so long (who wouldn’t be if in his shoes?) that he has forgotten how to be anything else.  I really believe that.  And I definitely think that somewhere deep inside him (we are all so complex!) that it has indeed affected his career path and could be impeding his ability to find a job that he can thrive in and be secure in.  He may very well indeed feel “not good enough”.  And then I go into “it’s all my fault!”  Then I get angry at myself and down the spiral we both go.

We are definitely in a very tough place.  But, I am going to keep going.  Funny, but I woke up Saturday morning, H had to work all day (he is still on a project that is coming to an end and he is working almost 60 hrs a week) and so I started my day with yoga.  And I found myself really concentrating on just ME. Not in the A selfish way, but more in the “I can only control/change me”.  My mantra this weekend has been:  Stop.  Let it go.  You can only control you.  You only need to worry about you and how you are taking care of yourself.

Rather, it’s as you said:  Taking care of you will take care of everything.

I pray we can make it…….

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 11:20am

P.S.  Clarity, I am LOVING your big, bold green font!  I know that when I see the green that it's Clarity!  And I love seeing the green...you have so much to share and are so wise.  I look for the green.....

~Sunrise

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Mon, 10-01-2012 - 2:21pm

Hi Sunrise,

(((Hugs)))) I know it has been awhile since we’ve posted to each other. It is good to see you are still working through all that is going on in your life.

I can imagine it is really difficult to support someone you have resentment for and who is spewing anger towards you. It would be like hugging a cactus and that is no fun.

I don’t believe you alone can fix this and I don’t think you alone broke your M. I know in my M I did not run it off the tracks all by myself both H and I had a hand in it and my H broke our emotional connection long before I had my A.  I’m not saying that to justify my A nor am I saying it is a solution because it didn’t and it wasn’t.

The thing that helped me put things in perspective after D-day is that I realized my H had his issues, I had my issues and our M had its issues.   It wasn’t my H’s fault that I had my set of issues. Those were formed long before we met. It wasn’t my fault H had issues.  We both contributed to the problems in our M.  My A was only one problem in our M. I learned my M was set up to fail. It wasn’t a question of if only when.  My H and I had to work to fix ourselves and ONLY then could we start trying to heal our M. The work we each did on ourselves was independent and was our own responsibility. I did not have to try and help “fix” my H nor was he responsible for “fixing” me. Understanding of what I was responsible for and not responsible for allowed me to place my focus on where I could make the most change—in myself.

I remember thinking shortly after D-day there is no way H could forgive me for this. This is too big. Then it was pointed out to me if I every time during our M H did something to hurt me directly or hurt our M was represented by a piece of paper and I crumbled up each piece and threw it in a pile, how big would that pile be? I don’t know about you Sunrise but my pile was friken big (think trash dump size).  Now, this didn’t make me ornery, it just helped me realize that I had just as much if not more to forgive my H for. This really helped me balance the scales are realize we were not where we were just because of the A. So much more had a hand in it. I also, realized I had a lot to get working on. It took me a lot longer to forgive my H for that pile. Longer than it took him to forgive me for the A. As big as each of our piles were, we were able to forgive. It can be done, with the right help and determination from BOTH parties.

If anyone suggested I “do more” to help and support my H after D-day, I would have thought that’s what got me into this whole mess in the first place. Thinking about everyone else, their feelings, their needs and putting it all before my own. That is a house of cards waiting to fall and why my M was set up to fail. More of the same would not have fixed it.  Also, thinking I had the ability to fix it all gave me power in a way and that sort of thinking---thinking you alone can make it all better—is really fantasy. None of us possess such power.

And Surnrise, if you are like I was, you are used to taking the blame if things didn’t work. It was all “my” fault if it didn’t work. I was the assigned rescuer and fixer.  All self-proclaimed and self-inflicted for the most part. Again a set-up for failure. It was just not possible for me to be that.

So Sunrise, I ask you because as you probably already know, I’m an annoying question asker: How is all this anger and blaming yourself working to help you heal? Is it helping to build you up or is it helping to keep you feeling broken?  Can you continue to hold on to the idea “ you broke this so you can fix it” and stay grounded in reality? If you cannot let go of that idea, then why?  What does holding on to it help you deal with?

As always, I encourage journaling (and I remember you do). It may take a while to get to core answers to the above questions. Answering those types of questions really helped me get to the core of things.

Either way, continue to work on you and continue to ask yourself the tough questions and continue to seek the answers.

Oh and as far as how your H handles xAP’s fishing expeditions, that is an issue he needs to work out. This is a great place to start with working on what is your responsibility/issue and what is not. That’s not to say you both cannot have a discussion about it because you can where you both weigh in but you have to allow him to work though his issues.

Sorry if I didn’t address all of your questions. I’m not good at following a set itinerary.  Hope I stayed on topic though.

Love and hugs,

E1

 

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

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