Karma

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Karma
18
Fri, 09-28-2012 - 11:50am

Hey, Freelast2008...how long does it take that old Karma bus to hit an ex?  I've been waiting 5 years...

First of all...I want everyone on here to know that no way would I want my ex back just like all of you as he did put me through several years of emotional pain, so figured at some point, he'd get hit by that darn bus!  I thought he had the year of our divorce when he got fired from his high paying job after 25 years.  My DD26 even said, "Now he'll know what YOU went through, Mom as he was MARRIED to his job."  (Our 25th anniversary came and went during mediation.)  Anyway, fast forward 5 years...his life hasn't changed a bit, other than the fact that he's STILL  unemployed, but is happy living off his wife!  They went to Hawaii on their honeymoom (which was the trip I was planning for our 25th) and now, my DD's told me last night that he and new wife are leaving for a 3 week trip to Italy next week!  Plus, he still lives in our deam home we built in 1998.  I guess I feel a bit meloncholy when I hear things like this as he's still living the life I thought WE'D be living in our 50's once our kids were raised.  sigh 

Make no mistake...I've moved on and remarried, but my life has changed drastically.  Dh and I could NEVER  afford a trip like that and we drive used cars.  We love camping, but I admit a love of travel and it does make me a bit sad that I won't see some places in my lifetime that I had hoped to see and could have had the ex and I remained together.  I guess once the ex lost his job that his life would change as well...and not for the better, but it didn't. 

I consoled myself though by remembering the Disney Cruise we took our girls on back in 1999.  The ex and I went out to one of the bars on the ship one night and he hardly talked (he's quiet by nature).  I remember wishing we'd had other adults around us, so I'd have someone to talk to.  I don't have that problem with current dh.  :smileyhappy: 

I guess at my age and the length of my marriage, I can't help but remember and think this isn't how my life was supposed to look at this stage.  My girls were STILL supposed to be able to come home to the "family" home where mom and dad still lived together (instead of their father and his new wife).  sigh 

DD25 said to me recently how much my life has changed since the divorce.  I've married a man with 3 sons who basically all have mental health issues and substance abuse problems (so constant drama).  My past life was much more peaceful except for the emotional pain I endured when my ex decided to "check out" of our marriage. 

Oh, well...thanks all for listening and ya all have a great weekend!  :smileyhappy:  As me for me, dh and I are going camping so I can finally get a big dose of fresh air!  (I work in an office 8 hours every day.) 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 09-28-2012 - 12:48pm

Hey girl you are too funny..

Well first off I am still waiting for the Karma from my first H who left me and our son when my son was about 2 years old.. The man has been living in Fla. for years with his second wife and according to our son has a house, boat, cars and goes on vacations.. yet I really dont know the extent of his life. Its been about 30 years since I saw that man.. but atleast my son gets to see him here and there.. so I am happy about that.. I have even asked my first ex for some money for our son and he never even acknowledged this ..He and his entire family ignores us to no end and they have a boatload of money...

On to Husband #2 who I left back in 2006 for some forms of abuse.. and I stupidly made friend with him after so many years. (dont ask).. Anyway; All I know is that he was with his gold digging gfriend and they apparantly abuse each other . That is what I have been told through the grapevine and he just moved in with her down South into a very pricy condo and they travel and he buys her very expensive items.. Only thing is that  he is in a huge amount of debt and has major health issues.. but atleast he has medical insurance..

As for me I have been living with family which I hate and living off of a small pension check and some savings.. I have no job and havent been on vacation since 2008 and my car is like 2004 and needed repairs.. I live on a budget no one can live on and I have no medical insurance and I cant afford it.. I could go on but you get my drift.

I truly get how you feel because I keep thinking the same th ing.. How in the world did I get here?? I hate where I live, hate the fact I am on poverty level and hate that I cant find work or even a date for that matter  and on and on.. I feel that yes like you at my age of 58 I was supposed to be set and have a n ice life and although at times I am greatful I get very mad when I think about how my life sh ould be. I still hang onto the hope though that it can and will get better if I live long enough (lol)...............

If its any consolation what I have learned is that you and I dont really know what goes one behind closed doors with the ex;es.. they could be unhappy and putting on fronts and acting like all is well. I always say I would love to be a fly on the wall..and see what really goes on but that cant happen.

All I can say is that be greatful for what you have and I am sure you are. I can be the ex;es arent doing as good as we think and that my dear is Karma..

take care

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Fri, 09-28-2012 - 1:56pm

 Ahhh, Free...thanks for understanding.  I knew if anyone would, it would be you.  I keep thinking...why do I even CARE?  It's not that I care so much as the...this isn't the way it was supposed to be.  I know you know what I mean.  I can't talk like this to anyone IRL because people would just think I haven't "moved on" which, obviously I have.  But, it's just the fact HE'S living the life we SHOULD have had that grinds me...and HE doesn't even have to WORK!  I sit in an office 8 hours a day for little pay while he gardens and goes on vacations abroad!  I got thinking that if we didn't have children together that I'd never have to hear about him again, but my DDs just bring it up, so not much I can do.

I am so sorry for your situation and especially for your son whose father is NO father obviously.  How old is your son and does he live close to you?  Do you have a close relationship with him? 

I'd like to say my DDs have lost respect for their father now that he's a "kept" man, (THAT would be MY karma for him), but they haven't .  He still manages to bail them out (with HER money).  He still is paying for DD21's college which is a good thing (AGAIN...with HER money), but for THAT I'm glad.  The only thing my DD28 said about her father is that she wishes he AT LEAST would do some volunteer work with all his free time.  Instead he gardens, cleans, does the lawnwork, and hauls his SS13 around.  My oldest is just like her father and is very close to him and I think is ok with it all. When he got fired, she was all like, "Well, Dad worked so hard, he just got burnt out."  WHATEVER.  MY father has worked hard his whole life, too as a truck driver and is STILL working part-time at age 77! 

I know living with family sucks, but I'm glad you have family to put a roof over your head.  THAT'S a positive.  I recently had to change my way of thinking because I was becoming too negative due to problems between me and dh and his sons causing havoc in our lives.  I decided to remind myself daily of the good things in my life...like I did during my divorce.  I wish I could send you a picture of a row of trees I get to look at every day on my way home.  God is absolutely THE best artist!  It is now Fall here in the midwest and this row of trees are just THE most colorful and awesome!  It reminds me that there is still beauty in this world even when so many things in life just aren't great. 

Have you ever thought about signing up with a temp service?  I did that when I decided to quit substitute teaching years ago.  I would do it again if I lost my job for some reason.  We also have an agency in our city that helps people over 55 find jobs.  Do you have anything LIKE that?  Although my job pays little and I get sick of being inside when it's such nice weather out (like we're having now), I'm glad to have it.  Even what little I make helps out. 

Just this week, my co-worker told me her niece is getting a divorce as HER dh cheated on her.  She kicked him out 2 months ago and he is already living with his new girlfriend.  This girl is 31 and has a 2 year old DD.  :smileysad:  Personally, I get sick of hearing about men who, for whatever reason, think it's ok to take up with someone else instead of trying to work it out with their wife FIRST.  I'd like to hear from men WHY they think that's ok.  What happened to honoring your vows??  I know I'm old, but it's getting ridiculous to the point I'm wondering why the "til death do us part" is even IN the marriage vows anymore.   

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: musiclover12
Fri, 09-28-2012 - 7:18pm

I know how you feel too despite the fact that I have a pleasant enough relationship w/ my ex.  I have worked my whole life in a professional job, college grad & advanced degree, but I have no money!  Part of it is that when I got div. from 1st DH the kids were 7 & 1 and being that I was the custodial parent, I coudn't take your typical lawyer job of more than 40 hrs a week, so I have been stuck in this low paying job cause I had flexible hours if I had to take time off to take a kid to the doctor or there was a 1/2 day of school.  I remember even thinking when I first got divorced that maybe I could take a 2nd job on the weekend as a waitress or something (considering that I had no experience in that) but my ex wouldn't agree to take the kids all the time--cause it might cramp his social life.  And of course even though he saw the kids a lot, before he met his current DW he really didn't have a place where they could stay overnight, so he'd come over during the day for a few hours--I could go out but it would be like going to the mall or the movies--hardly improving my social life, so of course he met someone first.  A woman who has a good job & already owne a nice house, which they have made even nicer from the money I paid him to buy out his interest in our house.  And then they also travel a lot--I did go on some nice vacations w/ 2nd DH & even after that sometimes w/ my friend, but I definitely don't have the money they do to go on vacations.  They go on a bunch of cruises and a couple of years ago took a cruise in Europe, so at a party, I had to listen to them talking about Italy and Monaco and the food and my ex will innocently but not thinking, say things like "you should really go to Italy."  Yeah, wouldn't I like that--why don't you pay for me?  Oh and he worked for the post office and just took early retirement because they are laying off so many employees so they are giving people incentive to retire early.  He'll still have to get a part time (at least) job or he won't be able to afford to help out w/ son's college (and I am not letting him out of that) but now he gets to relax and I'm sure the new job will be like bartending or something fun--while I am working in a high stress full time job which I probably will never be able to afford to retire from (oh I do get part of the post office pension, but it will probably be like $400 a month).  So I'm joining the pity party.  I don't want anything bad to happen to him, I'd just like more good things to happen to me to make it equal out.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Fri, 09-28-2012 - 9:17pm

Startingover,

Woulda. Shoulda. Coulda. Supposed-to-be.

There is no gaurantee we get the rainbow. It can be interrupted by divorce, death, incarceration, taxes, and anything else that life can throw at us. 

My advice? Work through your anger for what was "supposed to be" and stop looking over the EX's fence. That includes asking your now adult children to keep their observations to themselves. If you don't hear about it or feel "compared" to your EX, it will hurt less. And your "kids" should be able to keep their own counsel. If they can't, learn to say something important to them: "I want you to have a relationship with your father but I do not want to hear about his life." Repeat as needed.

Chances are his "wealth" is borrowed money and if your kids run to him for everything they want, then one day the well will run dry and they'll be up crap creek. They'll have to learn the hard way.

Get on with your life. Love your husband. 

It's not loving what you wanted; it's loving what you got.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
In reply to: freeatlast2008
Fri, 09-28-2012 - 10:05pm

Oh; Wisdom you ruined our fun.......

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 09-29-2012 - 3:53am
Yeah but without his high paying job and 5 years unemployed, if you were still married to him you probably would not be able to go on all those nice trips anyhow. Sounds like he's got it made living off his current wife though, financially anyhow, but who knows how happy he really is with her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Sat, 09-29-2012 - 10:37am

I second that! 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
In reply to: freeatlast2008
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 1:04pm

Hi;

I think I have tried everything to find a job and nothing has come up.. I cant do the store route yet because I have some pain issues and they told me that I would have to stand a few hours a day.. that will be my last resort. Not that I want a sitting down all day job but I dont think I could manage the hours they want me to stand.. Not an excuse but for real.  Oh; and I cant afford to go back to school either and I already have enough degrees...(lol)

As far as living with my family Its okay as they are mental cases and I need to get out of here asap.. I really thought I would be out by now but so many variables have occurred since my setback such as loss of self employed income and high rents and no jobs and etc.etc.. Not excuses again but pure shear reality right now. I could maybe afford a studio or small bedroom but they are such dumps that it makes me sick...

I keep thinking of moving to the next state as it appears a bit cheaper but I have moved so much in last few years staying abuse free that I just dont have it in me anymore to move but I know we have to do what we have to do..

take care..

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 1:34pm

Ughhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! Being divorced just keeps better and better.. Right now with my self employed gig gone and I am looking for apts. that are inexpensive I am finding all I can afford barely are basement apts.. with no stove.. It really gets my goat and now I am thinking? Wow I get to live in a basement with no way to cook and one woman said I could use her upstairs stove.. Wow. Just what I want to do at 58 years old.. All the while I kept thinking I get to live in a basement while my 2nd exH lives in a penthouse apt. on the beach with swimming pool and all of the amenites on an over 80,000 a year income.....

Oh; and I just found some old friends on facebook that my 1stExHusband knew and this one guy asked me if I still held a grudge from 30 years ago against my son;s dad. I was like no but that guy left me with a baby and ran off never to pay child support and nothing.. he just ran off and moved and we didnt hear from him in forever....and he is in Fla. and doing well..

yeah; where is the Karma

Our rant continues ...

take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Wed, 10-03-2012 - 4:00pm

Oh...I hear you, Wisdom.  I guess when you're over 50, so much of your life is over and you often can't help but look back.

I'm definitely going to say something to my DDs in regards to their father.  I told DD28 once I didn't care to hear about her father and he certainly didn't need to know anything about MY life, her response was, "You and Dad CHOSE to have children together, so of course we're gonna talk."  Obviously, she didn't get it.  UGH 

At any rate, the fact the ex is in Italy did sting just a tad at first, but then I got thinking...dh and I may not have the money they do (or I should say SHE does), but I have things in my 2nd marriage I didn't have in my first - love and time.  The ex NEVER showed me the love dh does and he was always at work (not always, but I believed him...whatever).  Now...I have a dh who is home almost every night when I get home from work and does things with me on weekends and I LOVE it.  Some people may not appreciate those things, but when you've been without for so long, you appreciate them every day.  :smileyhappy: 

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