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Registered: 12-31-1969
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Fri, 09-28-2012 - 12:34pm

Hello everyone!

I pop in every year or two here. I'll never forget what a solace this board was to me at one time.

Eight years ago, I was in an abusive relationship. We had been together for four years and of course like many others, it was wonderful in the beginning. He was charming, handsome, etc- all the typical aspects. I was young and naive and it took me a while to even figure out I was in an abusive relationship.

I'm one of the lucky ones. I managed to get out- but not without difficulty. It cost me a trip to the hospital and him a trip to jail. Before that he had never punched me, but there was a lot leading up to it. Shoving, kicking, choking, etc. and still I stayed. It was the night I left that it all really came crashing down.

For a long time after that, I took myself off the market. I casually dated here and there but I refused to let any one get close to me. I'm currently in my early 30's and do not have kids. Eight months ago I met a wonderful man and have fallen in love. This time I'm trying to use my head but he is a good person and all of my friends and family love him. (As you can guess, everyone had a problem with my ex).

My BF knows about my past abusive relationship. I have spared him some of the details but he understands what happened. This was a difficult thing for me to reveal to him but it does explain why I sometimes act the way I do. I became much stronger and I will never be a doormat again. My strength is something that BF admires about me and sometimes.............can't understand why I stayed so long with someone who treated me bad.

I do my best to explain that I was a different person back then and not the woman he sees now. It is true that "love is blind" and I would have done ANYTHING that was asked of me- to the detriment of my own health and well being. I was so, so in love and I often felt that if I just loved him more, did what he want, what he said, that one day he would realize what he had and never take me for granted.

Like I said, I was wrong.

I'm able to talk pretty openly about my ex but BF does say it makes him sick sometimes. Abusive men are a certain breed and this is not something he can relate to. There is something wrong with a man that would put his hands on a woman.

I would like to note that early on on my current relationship..........the nightmares temporarily came back. After I had left my ex, I had such terrible nightmares to the point where I was afraid to go to sleep. They eventually subsided and as the years passes, it was rare that I would have one. Once I felt myself falling in love, they came back.

I'm sure part of it was related to be being afraid to love again. Afraid of getting hurt emotionally/physically. No man will lay his hands on me again because I'm a third degree black belt and teach women's self defense; But I would find myself waking up at night with the fear of my ex coming back.

The nightmares have gone away again. But still I'll hear a song, come across a movie, etc., and I will be reminded of my ex. I sometimes wonder if that will ever change. My time with him left much deeper emotional scars than I had realized.

I love my BF and I'm happy that we are talking about a future together. I'm also glad that I can come here to talk and express my feelings with others that have been there. My story was never any different than anyone else- but finding others with the same story made me feel that I was not alone.

I hope all is well with everyone! Have a great weekend!


Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
In reply to:
Fri, 09-28-2012 - 10:29pm


Thanks for stopping by.

So glad things are going so well for you.

I think unless they haved lived it they cannot understand it is not as easy as it looks.

We were on the inside, and they are on the outside looking in.

My ds and I moved and now live in a different city from my "Abusive" ex.

So glad!

Recently, he tried to contact me but it's not happening...

It does cause you some pause and like you sometimes the past isn't always that easy to forget, hence night-mares.


Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
In reply to:
Sat, 09-29-2012 - 9:05am

Hey nads, so good to hear from you and that things are going well.  I'm so happy you have met and are in a good relationship with someone who lifts you up rather than tears you down.  I also took a long, long time to re-enter the "dating" world.  I've had one serious relationship and was even engaged but once that engagement ring was on my finger (we're talking about 9 years after leaving the abuser) he started showing his true colors and they were dealbreakers.  Since then, no more serious dating because I realized I simply am not, at this point in time, interested in anything other than casual dating.  I've always had concerns about our members who leave abusive long-term r/s and within just a few short months are re-involved with someone else.  Going by MY past experience, you just don't heal in a short while, and as you stated so well, even years later, things can bubble to the surface and trigger you all over again.  I haven't had a nightmare in years, but when I did have them it was all about the abuser getting his hands on my dd and not being able to get her back.  And I haven't had anymore nightmares since.  Our mind processes things when it is able to.  I think your mind was giving one last "shout out" to you about the past before saying, "Okay, time to move on, this new guy is a good one. Let's keep him."  At least I HOPE that is what yours was saying...8-D  He sounds like a great guy and you sound absolutely wonderful.  Thank you for posting such a positive update.  I wish you both the very best, a peaceful and prosperous life.

Mama Harmony