iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2012
Fri, 09-28-2012 - 1:22pm

I've really taken in all the posts from CG regarding her xap as a player, now involved in another office romance.  I get that pain.  I understand that pain.  But now, I'm seeing that pain from a whole other perspective. Attention K-Mart shoppers, I've had a breakthrough.   

First, I'll say that I'm a very educated woman....not an Einstein, but I know a few things or two.  But what blew me away yesterday in T was just how BLIND I was in my a, and how DELUSIONAL I was and how STUPID I was.  My a lasted 8 months (NC 29 days), and I was told by him that I was his "first".  Another words, I was his first a.  I took it hook, line, and sinker.  "Wow, lucky me", I said.  I was so flattered that he chose to break his marriage vows with me. (Delusional...I get it).  It was my first a as well, and I too, chose him with whom to break my marriage vows.  (STUPID...I get it).

Here's a few things xap told me, and to think...for 8 months...I bought it:

1.  When I asked if he was married, he said, "sort of".  

2.  He had his own cell phone and own cell #.  His w and kids were on another plan.  

3. He did his own laundry.

4.  He told me time and time again that his wife was insecure because he knows a lot of people and works with women in his field.  He also told me she was jealous of him looking at other women...(Blind...I get it).

5.  He told me he told his w that she should get her tubes tied rather than him getting a vasectomy so he wouldn't have "messed around" and gotten someone pregnant. 

You're probably wondering how I could have been so naive.  That's probably what my T said yesterday (in my first day of T) when he said, "I see you're crying and telling me you're upset at the ending of the a, and the feeling of rejection you received. Could it be possible that your xap may have moved on to another affair? Do you think that it was probable that you were not, in fact, his first a?"

GEEZ, Louise!  I was rendered silent.  You could have knocked me over with a feather.  

For the love of the world, how could I not have seen that?   I stopped, smiled, and said, "Wow.  I never thought of it that way".  I was now liberated of sorts.  I was able to turn my new revelation into action and really focus on no longer seeing him as the "precious one that got away"  but rather as the sad, pathetic PLAYER that he really was.  He gave me all the clues. 

I love the quote, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." 

I'm redirecting my sadness into progress; I'm commited to working on me and my relationship with DH.

It's so crazy how a complete stranger (my T) can say something so simple and OBVIOUS, and yet it makes all the difference in the world to me.  I was stuck.  Nope, no longer.  I have a new set of goggles, and they're not as foggy anymore. Attention K-Mart shoppers.  Blue light special on aisle 4.  Goggles 1/2 price.





Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Sat, 09-29-2012 - 9:53am

A toast to you, to celebrate the 'AWAKENING'.

Keep the thought going.  It's the truth.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2011
Fri, 09-28-2012 - 9:28pm

GREAT post! Sounds like you have a T who really knows his stuff.

Redirecting your sadness into progress is a sure sign of reclaiming your life and self.

I wish you must success and continued progress on your journey.

And PLEASE post more and let us know how your are doing.

Your post was very invaluable!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Fri, 09-28-2012 - 5:12pm

You Rock by dear!  Maybe that T is a good one!  SO proud of you for getting to T. 

Love you girl!  And thank you for all your encouragement, on and off this board.

God bless,


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2012
Fri, 09-28-2012 - 5:05pm
Sweet Clarity-
Thanks for the support:smileyhappy:

My NC date is August 31, 2012. Yea.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Fri, 09-28-2012 - 1:44pm

Wow, starsandbeach...I got goosebumps...always do any time I read of someone's breakthrough because I know a major corner has been turned and healing and recovery are not far behind.

It will never make sense to me how such intelligent, caring, loving women can become so blinded...well, that is until I remember Chemistry 101.

I'm glad you have such a good therapist...apparently seasoned in affairs.  And I'm glad to see you committed to working on yourself and your marriage.

Let's give a toast...TO BREAKTHROUGHS! <clink clink>



Let me know your NC you can be awarded your 3-month-NC Tweener Wings if you'd like :smileyhappy: